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Belle
VIP August 1997

He is just not into it.

Belle, on May 5, 2020 at 4:19 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
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I am a very romantic person, and I love anything romantic. I love to write love notes, arrange romantic dinner, surprising him with sexy fiery night, listening to music, dance, etc... I was always like this and I am very passionate and romantic to my dh since we dated, 24 years. Married for 23 years. DH, not so much of a romantic, like barely, and only after 20 years of marriage. He is a total nerd. He is trying, and I also lowered my expectation from him in that department. Beside that, he doesn’t have feelings toward music or art. He doesn’t dance.


We do talk about this for years, and I do understand that it’s just not in him. We went to marriage counseling, with amazing results for every other thing, just not for this.
I feel like I am getting frustrated because I need it. It’s feels like I am starving for romance, and not sex. Our sex is great, but the romance is not. He is a great guy, and I love him. Whenever I talk about this nicely, and allow myself to calm down, and feel better afterwards, he buys my expensive gifts. I do appreciate him giving me those gifts, but that’s not the romance I need, and I told him this.
We both read and understood the love language book. But it’s not helping.
Last year dh offered to go to a social dance class with me, but until today there is no update. And when he proposed to me again, I was hoping this time we could dance in our wedding. So, because there is nothing happening, I dressed up in a gown, turn on a romantic song, dim the light, and ask dh to come and I kind of teach him to dance. He kept laughing, he can’t feel the beat, and he has “two left foot”. I stopped and I felt hurt and disappointed.
I do not expect a regular social dance. I don’t even expect him to lead and turn me around. I just hoping we could at least do the couple dance pose and just swing left to right. No need to remember any step at all. Just slow side swings. On top of that we have no guest. I am totally fine if we just do it in our hotel room with our wedding attire after we came back from our ceremony.
Am I too much? Should I just distract myself and forget about it?

8 Comments

Latest activity by Belle, on May 6, 2020 at 3:01 PM
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I think you know him after 24 years. He is who he is, just as you are who you are. Maybe he would prefer you change by stopping asking him to be more "romantic". I certainly don't know. But I think if you love him enough to want to renew your vows, then you need to accept him where and how he is.

    You can absolutely indulge your passion for music, art, and dance without him. Taking dance classes without your partner is fine. Many dance clubs promote rotating partners; people are there to dance, not hookup. Embrace your hobbies and enjoy the things you enjoy, leaving your partner to do the same with his own hobbies.

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  • Belle
    VIP August 1997
    Belle ·
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    I do. That’s why I don’t love him any less because of that silly reason. He is a great person, and he is 99% perfect. This would never be a reason for a fight to me. It’s just ugh....


    He would say he is okay if I say I would go to a dance class, but I know he is is lying. Many years ago we went to a church party, and they had a social dance. We just sat when others were dancing. 2 men asked to dance with them, one after another. They are mutual friends of us, and we just danced and they gave me compliments in front of dh. They were very polite. On the way home I then noticed dh was burning from jealousy. I tried to talk to him and even apologized, and he ended up not talking to me for about a week.
    So, I won’t dance with any other man again, because I know it is going to hurt him. I am thinking to join a dance class for girls, anything just not with a man.
    I just thought it would be perfect if we slow dance at the end of a wedding. But yeah, nothing is perfect.
    I will follow your suggestion and dance with other females.
    🥂
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Ah, ok. Him being a jealous person definitely changes things. But the fact remains that you can't change another person, and you will only make yourself miserable if you keep trying for the NEXT 24 years. Good luck.

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  • Belle
    VIP August 1997
    Belle ·
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    Yup. I just have to accept and move on from that silly wish, and live continues.
    ❤️
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I mean, the jealousy part is a little concerning, especially if you're dancing right in front of him. Jealousy is usually a reflection of some deeper insecurities. I think this is 1 of those things that come as a compromise. If he just isn't the grand gesture romantic type, that probably won't change. However, if there are activities that you enjoy and want to pursue, he should be open to you doing them with or without him. I love my husband dearly, but if he started getting jealous of me going to my weekly trivia nights with a group of (mostly) guy friends, he'd have to just learn to accept it. It's hard to separate jealousy from mistrust, so on some level (regardless of how irrational), there is some mistrust lurking if there is that strong of a jealous reaction from you dancing at a church party. You said you've done couple's counseling, so maybe he was able to work through some of those insecurities at that time as it sounds like the church party was awhile ago. I would maybe have a conversation about that with him if dancing is really an activity you enjoy and want to do more often.
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  • Belle
    VIP August 1997
    Belle ·
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    He had traumas from the past which made him who he is now. He grew up being bullied by many kids because he was very poor, which motivated him to be where he is now, way higher than any of his friends and family. He was also rejected by his first crush, the way it hurt him deeply and made him very insecure. She ridiculed him about how ugly he looks and how his family is poor which is a deal breaker for her.


    I never cared about people’s appearance. To me he is totally okay, but he is just insecure. In the other hand, I, along with my siblings were known in my friend-circle, and we did some modeling and my mom made us join the teen beauty pageants back then. We do have a lot of mutual childhood friends, so he knows quite a few of his friends talked about me and my siblings, and this was an added issue for him.

    He is way better now than in the past, because I was divorcing him a couple years ago. Then he was willing to go to therapy. He is still having therapy. It does helped a lot. But I think basic characteristics never change. Well, we deeply love each other, so I am willing to work it out together with him.
    ❤️
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  • Katharine
    Expert July 2021
    Katharine ·
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    Have you ever asked him what he does for you that he thinks shows his love?

    You mentioned the love languages book, which is a great stepping stone to learning to recognize each other's languages. But it's not just about one or the other of you learning to express love in your partner's natural love language, it's also about both of you learning to recognize how the other naturally expresses love.

    By that, I mean that you mention asking him repeatedly to be more romantic towards you and that you know that isn't natural or easy for him, as evidenced by the fact that he still struggles with that after all this time. But do you know what little things he does do that HE thinks are showing his love for you? As an example, maybe he makes sure your car is maintained regularly , and he thinks that "act of service" is showing that loves you because he wants to keep you safe in your car and is one less thing for you to worry about handling. Or maybe he holds your hand a lot or is generally physically affectionate and thinks that "physical touch" is showing his love to you.

    So back to my original question. Maybe instead of asking HIM to change his behavior, which obviously hasn't been working, it's time for you to ask him what he thinks he is doing to show his love to you, and for you to try learning to recognize those gestures and express appreciation of them to him.


    Also, when he agrees to do something you want to do with him, like dance lessons - don't then sit back & wait for him to make it happen. You can take that on and sign up for classes (obviously making sure he is ok with the schedule before committing) so that you're not left disappointed when he doesn't make it happen for you.

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  • Belle
    VIP August 1997
    Belle ·
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    Thank you. That’s an idea. I will just sign up for a dance class and take him with me, hoping he is willing to go through it.
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