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Devoted September 2019

Having Parent at House/social Anxiety (rant)

WinesandWhiskey, on September 2, 2019 at 5:35 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 3

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I'm not sure whether I'm looking for advice, or just wanting to vent some stress, apologies if its long-winded.

I am pretty sociable, but I am naturally very introverted. More importantly to me, I often need to "charge" my social battery alone at home at times, especially when I'm overwhelmed or stress. I am ok with hosting parties if I have the mental preparation, and I am better depending on who it is. I am basically the polar opposite of my FH's complete family; they are very Type A and want to share everything and are pretty centric around spending time together. Which is wonderful, they are warm and I couldn't ask for a better in-law family, but it has caused some hiccups because they do not understand my social anxieties. I did not adjust well to family members (and old friends of my FH's too) showing up unannounced at times, and my FH and I did butt heads about that in general. I have been able to compromise on some of that, but we have generally agreed that my alone space/time at the house is my biggest comfort and need to maintain balance.

FFIL lives in Deep Creek (~3.5hrs away), and several times a year will come down to visit everyone, especially around the holidays. Our house was built by my FH's grandparents and is technically in FFIL's name, but we are renting it to own it fully soon. And with that fact, we always kept the guest room available for when he comes down. I do get a little claustrophobic but as long as we know specifically what dates he will be in town, I can be ok and not feel as overwhelmed.

So its been in the back of my head for a little while, because I knew that this would most likely happen right before the wedding. And I was really trying to prepare. But since we hit the 2 week countdown, I have become increasingly stressed out and just mentally exhausted by everything that needs to get done. And desperately needed my house (my "safe space") to decompress. I also have kept to a pretty consistent home work out schedule, which I have to do privately (I don't know, I feel so so weird working out with anyone watching). I knew that it was guaranteed that his father would come down and stay with us, but I wouldn't know how long. I was a little afraid to initiate conversation because in the past we have never ever tried to question any length of stay, because its family. And I knew it might turn into an awkward conversation.

Today, FH called me today while at work to chat and catch up on phone calls he's had with his family. His sister had recently moved, so I was told that FFIL was going to go see the new house, and come down to our house next Monday, to stay through our wedding that Friday. I hadn't really expected that long of a stay, I was ok with Wednesday or Thursday, but being there the entire week before our wedding kind of sent my anxiety over the edge. I said that I was afraid that that'd be too early, and pointed out that I was really getting stressed out and needed solo time at the house to decompress with my anxieties. I also emphasized multiple times that I know his FFIL is very self-sufficient and doesn't really need any hosting or entertaining, but it would still make me feel overwhelmed with having a guest stay at the house that long. As expected, he got upset and hurt, saying that its not like we're actually hosting anyone, and he couldn't understand why it would be a problem. He also said at one point, that was he to call his father back and tell him he's not welcome to stay at the house, which made me feel like the biggest asshole.

I know there are brides that do have family that stay at their house before the wedding to help, and I really wish I could be that open, but I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious with the thought. FH called back and asked what day would be more comfortable for me, and I said Wednesday or Thursday. I could only apologize about how I felt, but I could tell he was deeply disappointed. And I really feel so bad because his family is sweet and I want to be able to accomodate FFIL, but I am already having panic attacks at work and count down the minutes before I can come back home to my bubble.

I know not everyone can relate to this, but was wondering some other takes and perspectives. I know I will always struggle with my social anxiety and need for certain boundaries, and I'm always looking to compromise, but this time I just don't know if I can spread my mental energy that thin.

TL;DR: My FFIL wants to stay at our house more days than my social anxiety had planned for, and I just want to vent.

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3 Comments

Latest activity by Renee, on September 3, 2019 at 2:42 PM

Devoted May 2020
Bride2020 · on September 2, 2019 at 11:41 PM
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Therapy, for sure, if not already in it! My anxiety was really bad about a year ago, learning about yourself and anxiety, as well as having a professional validate you, is really helpful. As well as communication with your FHs family. I can’t imagine it’s normal to not ask someone how long they’ll be staying when they arrive to your home, even if they’re family & it’s rent to buy. I know it might be the anxiety at work, but it really is a casual and necessary question. It sounds like it’s stuff easily worked out with some upfront communication, for example, asking family about who is planning on staying before the wedding in advance, proactively, before they bring it up to you, and letting them know “Awesome! Our door is open starting that Wednesday, we’re so excited to see you!”. But if people feel comfortable showing up whenever because it’s a family home, separate from the wedding, and you’ve communicated and compromised and it’s just not working, talking about maybe not buying that home something to consider. Obviously this is as a last resort, it really sounds like with communication all is well in your spot. But just as a similar situation, my parents have offered my fiance and I buy their home in a few years for faaaaaaar less than it’s worth, but the deal is they want to buy an RV and travel around, and for a week every month or two park it in front and stay with us. Years from now is far away, so it’s hard to say what we’ll do, but I’d imagine we may decline. It most likely will not be worth it to us to give up our privacy, even for a good deal & to be with family, there’s something nice about some separation and not feeling you owe someone time in your home. At the same time, we plan on renting an inlaw suite at FHs parents house for some time. This year upcoming had been a lot of talks about how long term that should be because of privacy, but we had no hesitation deciding to stay there, it’s a totally different situation (as is yours). If you’re FH is downplaying the importance of privacy, maybe find a third party to push home that you aren’t abnormal for wanting to know when guests will be in your space and needing to regulate it if it’s too much, even if they’re people you love!
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Judith · on September 3, 2019 at 1:20 AM
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The fact that it has always been his house, still is until you complete the sale, pretty much means you need to work on accepting a week long visit and not on preventing it. And your anxiety is not any more important than the distress your FH will feel if you push his father away or for less time. It is not right for you to do that to him, as a prelude to marriage. . . . So concentrate on this GS you can do. Setting aside 2 hour periods you stay in your room or one other place, with headphones and a calming activity. Or walking or a bike ride ( or even exercise bike) to exercise and destress. Whatever works for you. What are you going to do around holidays and vacations multiple times a year? You cannot just tell everyone to go away, and let your anxiety rule your life. Not if you want to be married to this guy. Work on things that are self soothing , not fighting off others or avoidance. Even short term, you may need focused counseling to get through this. Is there something your FH and his father like to do together? I know when my in laws stay, I make a point of getting FIL and hubby game tickets, or check out trade shows or exhibitions, or suggest they have a pub dinner evening and a couple hours of shooting pool. So I can count on 4-6 hours at least 2 times in a week, planned in advance, solitude in the house. Sometimes I use the time to escape , hiking, walking, out in a kayak, with only my dogs, which would not feel possible if hubby and FIL there. Stop thinking of avoidance. Focus on ways to structure your time or space. Let FFIL be self sufficient.
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Super October 2020
Renee · on September 3, 2019 at 2:42 PM
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I'm the same way about exercising. I can't stand to have someone watch me. Not even my fiance lol I don't know if you take meds for your anxiety but maybe talk to your doctor if you don't? Sometimes it helps me calm down when in overly anxious.
I can kind of relate to where you're coning from. My FIL's are actually living with us for a few months until they find somewhere else to live. Nothing has been helping my anxiety at this point. My only condition for them staying with us was that they couldn't bring their dogs. They would have to find a temporary home until they got their own place. Honestly, I hate dogs (I know that there's a chance I'll get negative comments for that statement but oh well. That's just how I feel) the house we're renting doesn't allow dogs. Well guess who brought theor great Dane and 2 other dogs with them? So not only do I have 3 extra ppl in my house, I have 3 dogs, 1 of them VERY large, taking up room, barking at everything, and now we have fleas.
Then they didn't mention that they would be babysitting my fiance's nephew several days a week where he'd also be staying the night. I don't mind him but that's an extra person I didn't know about. They also invited my fiance's neice and nephew to stay with us....for a month. A whole freaking month. And they didn't say ANYTHING. I'm talking we walk in the door from vacation, and there they are. No heads up, no warning, nothing. Any other time the kids have spent time up this way, I'm always all for letting them spend time at our house. I like the kids. But having them their constantly, being extra loud, without discussing it, the same week they moved in, I was having anxiety attacks anytime I was home.
They also invite friends over to hang out without saying anything either. I wouldn't mind so much but waking up to extra people or coming home to people I didn't know would be there, it messes with my anxiety really bad. I don't want to seem Like I'm hateful but I just feel like it would be respectful to at least ask.
So anyways, sorry for my long rant on your post lol I just wanted to let you know I do understand where you're coming from. The best I can offer is talk to your doctor, explain to your fiance what your anxiety is like, and wish you luck. It's hard to explain it to people who don't have it. I'd wait till you could sit down face to face and tell him you want to try to explain your anxiety the best you can and you need him to listen to you, try to understand, and support you. I hope everything works out
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