Jennifer
VIP October 2021

Having Panic Attacks

Jennifer, on May 5, 2020 at 8:17 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 16
Saved
Reply
Sooooo, as you know my wedding is- Supposed to be- in September. September 19th to be exact.


We are supposed to be getting married at Turning Stone Resort and Casino, and at this point they are still shut down. Given they are in Upstate N.Y., I am more concerned than I would’ve been if they were located someplace else, as N.Y. has been hit so hard..
We are 136 days away from the date and I do NOT know what to do!!! There are things I NEED to paint & assemble. As well as setup and take pictures so that the florist and setup vendor know how the tables are to look and items that go on them. I also need to get pictures and a written list of items that are NOT takeable- as we are doing a “Harry Potter” theme and I’ve been leant items- I want to make sure they go back to their owners. Plus I need to get groomsmen & my dad fit for tuxes and they are in MD, NY, FL & VA!, my son into a suit, and the girls need( also scattered across country!) to have their dresses fit, I need to get mine done too!! Then vendors need to have final headcount, and the money sent to them for another/final payment......I also am finding out today if I have to have hip surgery & then rehab, for a badly torn labrum.... So I kinda need to set the surgery( if needed) so I am off the 6-8 week crutches/bed rest in time to be able to walk down the aisle & dance at the wedding!
I just need to know if I should wait, and how much longer, before I pick invites- and send them?!?!?
Our wedding is a “Destination Wedding” for the majority of our guests. FH & I live in V.A., have some family in M.A. & N.Y. as well as in FL, MD & VA... And I have my 1/2 sister coming from Germany and a friend from Ireland!!! Travel to NY has been restricted by airlines and states have you self quarantining for 14 days should you go to NY/NJ/CT!
I know that we are still a little ways away, but I need to send out invitations, buy items for hotel bags, bathroom baskets and candy buffet should we keep our date. And I am at a standstill watching the days tick by.... And that is making me, literally, ill with worry that I won’t have it done and the wedding WILL go off in September! But I also don’t want to order all the items assuming I have 200ppl and that we are doing September and not.
Our wedding is supposed be outdoors and reception inside the ballroom. We were looking at 200-250 people. This is my first wedding, his second. And I don’t want to give up they dream wedding because I KNOW I will be super resentful every time I think of it & see any pictures. And I don’t want to start us as a married couple out like that.... and YES, I have tried to be okay with it and even in therapy I am not.
His mother has reset the Africa trip he gave her( his kids, stepdad, he and I) for Christmas 2yrs ago to Next May 2-14- from this May 2 -14. I say this bc FH has suggested we postpone till May or June of NEXT YEAR- I am NOT OK with this as 1) We postponed bc of his “darling” 23yo daughter already. Due to her drama that he took me to Europe before her..... can we say entitled much?.... and the European trip we had to do to shut her up. 2) My dad has serious, aggressive cancer and might not be around for a postponement.3) Our 10yr anniversary of being together, 1 yr wedding anniversary & him turning 55 all happen in 2021! And I thought that was really cool. 4) I want to get married already!! 5) I want to get married so his “darling” daughter can stop trying to break us up- and get the hell out of our house!! 6) I think we need to have this wedding to make everyone feel happy and more normal! After COVID-19.

16 Comments

Latest activity by Saye, on May 6, 2020 at 10:20 AM
  • Katie
    Dedicated May 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag

    Hey girl! I truly think it would be best for you to have a backup plan at this time. I am also from Upstate NY, But my wedding was in June so we had to postpone. The Gov of NY stated yesterday that he is not extending the stay in place order and he will allow parts of the state to open based on the case loads. I think with a September wedding you should be okay, but be ready for a backup plan. One of the other things to take into consideration is that all casinos in NY are closed until further notice. Since they are non-essential they will likely open in phase 4 according to the Gov (this could be at the end of June or July). Contact your vending team and find a backup date for next year; I wouldn't push for the end of the year because of the possibility of a second wave in the fall.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for the info! And the advice.
    I’m soooooo soo sorry you’ve had to postpone your wedding, but maybe this will give you time to get those things you’ve been worried about- or wanting- to be done/happen?!
    That’s what I am thinking about postponing mine anyway... given most of the items I need to DIY are in NY at my moms, lol...
    • Reply
  • Nefetera
    VIP March 2015
    Nefetera ·
    • Flag
    I agree totally with pp. Also thinking more of the amount of ppl. I'm from NYC however have family upstate NY & those out of state areas of NY will open up however diff times and phrases. In my opinion I wouldn't send anything out till June and play each day one day at a time. I will also consider a backup date
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Dedicated May 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Yes; it gives so much more time to make everything perfect! It also gives time for you to enjoy all of the wedding planning instead of being sad and worried. After our weddings we will all be able to look back and talk about the story of this… I mean how many people have to cancel a wedding because of a virus!

    • Reply
  • Lena
    Devoted May 2021
    Lena ·
    • Flag

    I would wait and see. Anything can happen in the next few months and the states are slowly opening back up.

    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    Minimally, I agree with pps who encouraged you to think seriously about at least a Plan B, if not Plans C, D, and whatever. Also, if having your dad, who is battling "an aggressive cancer," attend is a high priority, personally, I'd change your "Plan A" from a 200+ guest party to an intimate ceremony involving you, your fiance, dad, and officiant. Regardless of how "opened up" things are in September, I cannot imagine a scenario where someone undergoing treatment for an aggressive cancer should attend a large public gathering. We have family in Upstate NY, including a physician at a major teaching hospital, even in "rural" locations this is a deadly powderkeg that's not going away until there is a vaccine or herd-immunity, which is 70+% of the population, and even then it won't necessarily be "gone," just, hopefully, more manageable. If you're having panic attacks now, how much worse might they be in the coming months of planning and uncertainty?

    There is at least one other similar post to yours going on this morning asking for opinions on a similar issue. Even if the casino reopens (which I would guess is a really big "IF," not exactly high on the list of "essential services"), realistically, how many of your guests will travel to attend the wedding? From what I remember of your previous posts, your social group includes many highly educated professionals with substantial career responsibilities and a fair number of frail family members. Do you think they will be willing to travel out of state or internationally for a wedding? I get that for you it's a critically important event, but what percentage of your guest list would gamble on their health to attend a party? How will you feel if a substantial number of guests decline?

    Finally, again based on what I remember from your previous posts, I'm not sure getting married is going to change anything with your future step-daughter unless your future husband is going to change the relationship dynamic, but that's a completely different concern.

    Good luck to you! I totally get how stressful this is for you and others, but maybe a way to lessen that stress is to rethink your plans. If being married soon is the most important consideration for you and FH, you can do that as soon as you can get a marriage license. If having your planned big traditional wedding without all the stress and uncertainty is your #1 goal, then I'd seriously consider postponing.

    • Reply
  • Kayleigh
    Savvy September 2021
    Kayleigh ·
    • Flag

    My wedding is in Upstate NY in October, so I understand your frustrations and concerns! It sounds like NY will start reopening in a few weeks, so hang tight! We are getting married on October 3rd in Cooperstown (I live very close to the casino, it's beautiful there and I can see why you chose it!) We haven't postponed, and I certainly hope you won't have to!

    I'm so sorry you have to deal with the entitlement on top of the stress of the wedding. I'm sure that's a handful. We've decided not to plan a honeymoon until next year, probably spring, just in case! Africa sounds like a wonderful trip and I'm glad for you guys that you were able to postpone.

    I'm also dealing with the fact that our wedding will be a 'destination' for some of the family, and most of my family will only have to travel a few hours. I've been holding on to my invitations, but I plan to FINALLY mail them at the end of the month. Honestly, if all else fails and I HAVE to mail a 'change the date' then I'm sure everyone will be expecting them anyway. It's terrible, but what else can you do, ya know? As far as surgery, that's a tough decision, and only you will know whats right for that! If you need it to walk and dance at your wedding, then go for it! Don't put your health at risk.

    Good luck with everything! Just keep planning no matter the case! Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for those positive vibes!


    The doctor has told me that surgery is needed to prevent a hip replacement in 10-15 years. The bone that narrows under the ball is only concave on one side and that is why I keep tearing the labrum.... So, until and unless I fix that I will have pain. I am trying to set surgery for next week.
    Most people should be okay to travel. And as someone pointed out I AM concerned about my dad and if he is doing chemo. I hope he’s okay- as I do all of my family and friends, FH & myself!
    Turning Stone was where FH & I had our first, blind, date & so thought to make it full circle! Thanks... Cooperstown is sooo pretty too! Best of luck!
    • Reply
  • S
    Saye ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree with you completely! There definitely needs to be a completely different plan. I don't know how someone would even think about hosting that big of a gathering when the pandemic is nowhere near being over. In 1918, the first wave killed 3-5 million people. The second wave killed near 50 million. People need to start taking this seriously before they jeopardize the lives of everyone they love and their own. The coronavirus is absolutely no joke. The symptoms just seem to keep climbing and the percentage death rate keeps rising. A perfect dream lavish huge wedding is definitely NOT essential.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    . And saying I am having the wedding of my dreams DOESN’T( not died) to make me entitle
    • Reply
  • S
    Saye ·
    • Flag

    Oh okay. To an outsider picking up on the things you've said in your original post, it came off as really tone deaf. I wasn't trying to fight with you but stating what seemed off in your post. I countlessly wished you the best for your wedding if you weren't selfish, if you had other intentions, plans, etc. Now that you've explained it a bit further, the situation is easier to understand when it's less vague.

    I really do feel bad for brides during this time and pray for their weddings to be nice. I totally understand their situation. Like I said, I have to postpone mine too potentially, but it's not as soon as 2020. The first thing that came to my mind were the guests and their well being. Knowing that a vaccine wouldn't be out in September like all the doctors/scientists are saying.... and you saying "I'm not changing it" it looked like you were just gonna risk it all for a wedding.

    If I have made you feel badly, my apologies.

    Also, this account is an account I made on the spot to reply. I do have another account on this site. This site is really amazing for planning and asking questions and learning about the wedding process.

    Best of luck to you.

    tenor.gif





    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you.



    It has been hard af to have the stress of his daughter, school, my dads ill health, my moms ill health, wedding planning 500 miles away, COVID-19, my health issues, FH having his own health issues & work stress, etc....

    Planning a wedding, when I am looking at all that and more stress, a surgery that might have me not able to walk for some time coming up next week or the week after, has been the ONE bright spot and anchor for me.

    Of course I want to have everyone there and be safe!

    The port loss of my mother, and my dad because of their health and his daughter postponing the wedding from last year to this has me worrying that IF those two VIPs aren’t around for a postponement, bc of COVID, I will be angry and resentful towards him & majorly towards her. I know this of myself. And no amount of trying to wish it away will work- yes therapy has been helpful, just don’t see it fixing this big of an issue.

    I am okay with he and I doing a civil ceremony and then when it is safe do the Big Dream Wedding...... But, FH is a one or the other- sadly.

    I’m glad the further explanations helped.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    Potential not port loss
    • Reply
  • S
    Saye ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Ah. I have been praying and hoping this coronavirus goes away as soon as possible. I hope your parent's health get better. I am also planning a destination wedding and have life issues as well so I can feel for you. It does really suck and yes, wedding planning does make it feel better for sure. Keep planning it and keep your head up! We will get through this with patience and trust.


    I also have anxiety and trust me when I say, I know the feeling of being overwhelmed and feeling trapped. All I do is try to take it day by day. Just focus on one thing that needs to be done in the wedding each day. There's so much to do. So, I immerse myself in those activities. As for your FH being stressed, maybe you guys can do something relaxing together. Remind each other that things won't always remain terrible. It gets better.


    Also think of a time when you did something really fun like traveled, vacation, or something.

    Then, think of a time before that when you were at a really low point.

    That exercise shows that even when you were feeling super terribly and didn't think it could get better, you met your FH. You did happy things. You felt happiness again. And before that, you didn't know you'd experience that happiness.

    So trust.


    With this situation, just know that, a time will come when you can smile again and look back to this situation and time and be like... wow, how different that was from how I feel right now.

    Day by Day! Do something that makes you happy each day. Even if it's wedding things! And other activities with your FH.

    tenor.gif




    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Very good advice!



    Sadly the things I CAN do are all on NY with my mom lol! I was taking items up to paint/assemble them with her and my son this spring/summer... We had been planning on getting married here in VA, but due to how stooooopid expensive it was and my sons Aspergers/agoraphobia We decided to set the venue at a place VERY special to us- where we had our first, blind, date in Upstate NY. So, I began to move items up each trip I made to see them... a little like 1/2 is up there. Of course now it’s the stuff I COULD/SHOULD be working on- setting up tablescapes and getting pictures for the decorating lady so she knows how I/we want it to look and what goes on each table, painting signs and banners- “Harry Potter” & “Fantastic Beasts” theme....I can’t order the some of hotel bag items or any of the “HoneyDukes Candy” buffet until I know when we are doing the wedding bc it’s food... I CAN order the non-food for hotel bags and bathroom baskets. But that’s about it. Sadly. Lol

    I just can’t deal with anymore limbo & lack of control. I have been not doing my schoolwork and not eating well as a result of trying to have Some control( not healthy I know!). The SIMS4 has been a HUGE blessing to help with the lack of control- but one can only play just so much! Lol...

    Currently have a badly torn hip labrum and bone issue, awaiting surgical set up, so have watched sooooo much tv lol! And once Thien do surgery I’ll be down 2 weeks & rehab for “Normal people” is 8-12 weeks, I don’t heal well soooo they said more likely “14-20” weeks. Sigh.

    Best of planning to you.
    • Reply
  • S
    Saye ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Pricey venues are such a bummer. But that sounds so cute, to have a wedding where you had your first date!

    And that sounds like a plan. Harry Potter theme is really unique in my experience. You should check out some Harry Potter themed weddings on Youtube if you haven't already. I've seen one on there and it looked like fun. The only good thing I've found about this stay at home thing is it's just easier for me to focus on the wedding when everyone is at home. I don't know why but it makes me productive than when everyone's moving in this fast life. It felt like everything was spinning and a race against time, the vendors, etc. But now, it's slowed down a lot and I can breathe a little.

    I know what you mean with the not eating healthy! I've been messing up too and gaining some pounds and it's been bothering me. Like I gotta start exercising and eating right again routinely. Ah, I've heard of SIMS4 but haven't played it lol. But I'm glad it's helping you out.

    I hope your procedure goes well and hopefully recovery is faster than they say!

    Thank you for your wishes, I hope planning goes how you want it too

    tenor.gif



    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics