April
Savvy March 2020

Having niece in wedding despite sister drama..

April, on January 5, 2020 at 6:59 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
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My sister is married to my fiancé’s brother, which is how he and I met many years ago. They have never approved of he and I dating, and essentially said if we ever did, they would never forgive us. She has issues with feeling like I’m always stealing her thunder and overshadowing her, she’s worried that If he and I don’t work out it will complicate her family dynamics.. she has said it’s very awkward for her to see me hanging out with their mother and having a good relationship with her. She’s very insecure and I think my presence in her family in law is very upsetting. He and I did try to stay away from each other for a while, but eventually we just could not ignore our connection. Three years later we are now getting married and my sister and his brother are still not speaking to us, though they have come around a little and are cordial at family functions. I have no idea if they plan to attend the wedding. If they do it will simply be to save face. Both families think at this point they are being ridiculous and need to get over it. My sister came around to me about a month and a half ago at another family members wedding saying she missed me (she was drunk) but not a lot has happened since then.


My question centers around our wedding party. In part due to this whole drama, I do not have a wedding party. However, we will have our nieces and nephews in the wedding as flower girls and ring bearers. I want to ask my sister if she will allow my niece (3 years old) to be our flower girl. But I am scared to even ask and rock the boat. All of the other nieces and nephews will be participating. Any advice on how I should approach her? I’m scared it will stir up more drama as she’s been very cruel to me in the past when I’ve tried reaching out, but I do want my niece to be included 😬 thank you!

8 Comments

  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I do not think she will handle it well. Do you think if you ask the niece to be involved and have your sister as a bridesmaid may soften the blow?

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  • April
    Savvy March 2020
    April ·
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    We don’t have bridesmaids and groomsmen. Part of the reason why is because I would have wanted her as a bridesmaid and I knew she wouldn’t want to be one. However, I was hoping she would be cooperative enough to let her daughter be a flower girl. I’m just very nervous to approach her about it 😬
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Well...I say just speak to her and ask her and hopefully she will be cordial and let her. Worse case she says no and if she reacts badly then there is nothing you can do but it is also nothing you did and you should not feel bad.

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  • Cyndy
    Rockstar May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    Maybe you could find a way to meet her alone and talk to her about what’s been going on the last few years. With both of you married into the same family you all need to find a way to get along. That family didn’t ask for this drama. Maybe you can get her to see this and find a way to bury the hatchet then ask her if she would allow her daughter to be in your wedding. I think it’s important to mend your relationship with her first. Just my opinion. Good luck!!
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  • Martha
    Devoted September 2019
    Martha ·
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    Would it be ok to have a mediator? Maybe you can have lunch with her and your mom, rather than just having it be you two? I would somehow try to ask, since she may also be upset that other nieces and nephews will be participating, but her daughter wasn’t offered to be part of the wedding.
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  • April
    Savvy March 2020
    April ·
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    Hi Martha! My intent is to have all of my nieces and nephews in the wedding, not to exclude her daughter in any way. But yes, I agree and wish she would be open to mediation. My families’ attempts to bring us together haven’t worked well and I’ve continually reached out to her to let her know I love her and miss her but typically she responds very angrily. I completely agree that we really need to sit down and have a deeper conversation though. Maybe I can suggest that to her and see what she says 😬
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  • Katie
    Devoted March 2019
    Katie ·
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    I think it would almost be best to leave it open ended and put the ball in your sister's court to see what she will do with it. If she's big on email, that may be the best route to take with her to start a conversation that way she doesn't feel "ambushed" by a random call with a big discussion and can think through her response fully and can be less stress for you. Maybe something like this:

    "Hey Brittany, I know our relationship has struggled during Peter and my planning for the wedding, but we are so happy that the big day is just a few more months away. I wanted to let you know that instead of a wedding party, Peter and I are planning to have all our nieces and nephews participate in the ceremony, and would love to have your Sarah participate as a flower girl as well. Please let me know if Sarah will be participating by March 30th, and we hope to see you, Rob, and Sarah at the wedding!"

    A phone call may feel more personal and be a better option, but I would keep the message the same: that you want her/husband/niece there, but ultimately it is their decision (and you need a firm yes/no for her as a flower girl by a deadline). By doing this, you have done your due diligence to ensure that all nieces and nephews are invited to participate, which allows your sister and her husband to make the decision and not make you the bad guy for her being "excluded". Honestly, she may not handle it well and may not respond, which is OKAY! You can only do so much in this situation, and continuing to push when you are getting no response can do even more damage. So shoot off the email/have the phone call and leave it at that. Otherwise know you have left a door open for her if/when she chooses to come through it. And ENJOY planning and your wedding!!

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  • Taylor
    Rockstar October 2020
    Taylor ·
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    I would approach her and just say "I miss you and I'd really love for you to be at my wedding! We aren't doing a huge wedding party but are including nieces/nephews in the ceremony. If it's okay with you, I'd love if ___ could be a flower girl!" Ball is in her court. If she says yes, that's great!! If she says no, that's on her.

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