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Devoted September 2022

Having a partner with mental illness, specifically bipolar depression, is hard.

Carissa, on April 9, 2021 at 2:25 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7

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Idk what I'm seeking by posting here. Maybe a place to vent, maybe some support from someone either experiencing it themselves or through their spouse.

My FH has (clinically diagnosed) bipolar depression. He's obviously aware they diagnosed him with such, but he does not seem to or want to believe them. Which is fine with me, I don't try to force/sway him one way or the other. It is not my wellness, not my decision.
But its hard being with him. I love him without a doubt, and a mental illness won't change that. But like he just proposed last week, was in a good mood for about 4 days, then entered a depressive episode, which is where we currently sit. And when he is in a depressive state, its very "typical" symptoms- wanting to stay in bed, general attitude that everything sucks, not wanting to do even things he enjoys let alone less enjoyable things like work, not wanting to talk about anything, making depressive comments...
I do not suffer from any mental illnesses myself. I had temporary PTSD due to a traumatic injury but that has passed. Psych was a big chunk of my college education and i have worked with individuals of various ages with various mental illnesses in the past, so i have some idea of how to handle it professionally, but tbh dealing with it personally is much different and much harder. So i don't know how to love him and support him through these times without potentially being over bearing or dismissive or something to make it work. But again, since he doesn't really seem to want to acknowledge having bipolar depression, it is not something he is going to open up about if I ask him "what do you want/need from me right now," "how can I help," type questions. If I ask something like "how can I help" his response will be something like "k**l me," which we have had MANY conversations that that is not something he truly wants or even thinks about. Its more like it's just what feels right to SAY it that instance, if that makes sense.
Can anyone relate, offer insight on what its like experiencing bipolar depression personally, or how you've supported a partner or family member with it? I absolutely do not hold it against him, but of course it still wears on me, my mood, and my own mental state.

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on January 17, 2022 at 5:52 PM

June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 9, 2021 at 2:30 PM
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I take it he’s against getting medication? Is it just the term “bipolar” that bothers him? I mean he obviously must know that something is wrong when he has days of not wanting to get out of bed. Do you think he’s more willing to accept the term “depression “instead of the “bipolar “label?
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Devoted September 2022
Carissa · on April 9, 2021 at 2:38 PM
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He is against like prescription medications. In the past, Marijuana has genuinely seemed to be a solution that worked for him, but it doesn't seem that is the case anymore. And I think its more that he isn't willing to accept that there's anything "wrong" with him. I want to be clear that I dont think mentall illness is anything "wrong" with a person, but I think its kind of like an insecurity of his that if he accepts he has a mental illness, then people will see him as somethings "wrong."
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on April 9, 2021 at 2:46 PM
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That sounds really difficult. I agree that you can't force him to get treatment, nor do you want to act like his mom or his medical advisor. But his behavior and resistance to getting help absolutely affect you, and it's fair to explain to your future spouse how this affects you and to ask that he get help, just like you could and should do with any chronic illness (e.g., diabetes or kidney failure). You are allowed to want the best for your spouse.
But of course, I know you know you can't control his decisions, and only you can decide if his refusal to get help is something you can live with for the rest of your life.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on April 9, 2021 at 2:47 PM
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As a mental health provider, I have had numerous people have a difficult time accepting medication for their illness. What I always try to explain is that taking a mood stabilizer for bipolar is the same as a diabetic taking insulin. The brain is not producing/processing certain neurochemicals correctly, leading to the changes in mood. It's the same as a diabetic who takes insulin because their pancreas isn't producing enough insulin. It isn't something that always works, but people tend to be more understanding of the biological explanation since it becomes less stigmatized.
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Savvy April 2022
Sheila · on April 9, 2021 at 6:07 PM
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I have bipolar 2 and it was really hard for me to accept at first. But I did get there! I also had my quality of life increase nearly exponentially once I got on the right medication. It's exactly like what was already said. It's like a person with diabetes taking insulin. One thing that was really helpful for me too was support groups. Cause I know when I was first diagnosed I just felt really alone. Depression and bipolar support alliance (dbsa) is a good place to start. They have zoom meetings. They also hold meetings for friends and family.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on April 9, 2021 at 6:27 PM
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I highly recommend you look into the organization NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness; NAMI.org) -- they provide FREE resources for people with mental illness and more importantly for you, to the friends and family of people with mental illness. There are tons of resources on the website, but the most beneficial thing in my opinion are the classes and programs they offer (again, free of charge). They have a program called Family-to-Family, which is specifically for family members -- it will help you better understand your fiancé's diagnosis, treatment options, available resources, and strategies that will help you AND help you help him. Knowledge is power and a supportive community is a godsend -- NAMI programs offer both! Good luck to you!
Also, in the last sentence of your post you mention how trying to help him is related to your own struggles. I forget the exact statistic (from my own Family-to-Family course), but "caregiver depression" is VERY common. There can be a lot of stress related to loving and caring for someone dealing with mental illness -- do not ignore your own needs -- seek help. Good luck!
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on January 17, 2022 at 5:52 PM
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I'm a physician, and I use the diabetes analogy all the time when discussing mental illness! This is a very good description.
I would add that as the spouse, try to make sure you aren't "owning" or living the cycles with your loved one. You're not responsible for how they feel. I'm really hoping some good treatments will be available soon for people that live with bipolar.
For sure have a support team for yourself, it helps.
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