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Just Said Yes February 2026

Has anyone gotten paper married first? How did you feel about it?

Melissa, on December 17, 2023 at 8:10 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7

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My partner proposed June 2023, it was very sweet and I've been very excited to plan our wedding. We have very similar goals and wants for our big day, and have been planning something small for Feb 2026, once we get him through graduate school. This will give us plenty of time to save and have the wedding we want, and plenty of time for our families to get to know each other - this is important to me because we got engaged about 7 months into our relationship, and most of my extended family hasn't even met him yet. We are both in our late 30s, and we both "just knew," as they say.
My partner has been talking a lot about getting "paper married" - where we take a few witnesses down to the courthouse and fill out the paperwork, then do dinner. I know some couples who have done this and they said it's not a big deal. It makes sense from a financial standpoint - we'd save money getting me on his health insurance, and we're already planning a wedding anyway so why not just do it?
But I'm hesitating, and I'm struggling to verbalize why. The idea of just having a courthouse wedding makes me sad. It's a fine option for people who want it, but simply put, it isn't what I want and isn't what I've been looking forward to. And while we would still have a wedding, some part of me is worried that we would get complacent in the two years between and give up the wedding we want because, well, we're already married, what's the point? My parents would want to be there if we did this, and so would his, and then our siblings on both sides would be disappointed if they were left out, and then at that point why not just have the whole family there? And then friends? And at that point just do a whole wedding like we planned to in the first place? But we can't afford to have a full wedding right now, which is why we're waiting. We would both feel sad if we had to do this without our closest friends and family.And while the wedding we are planning isn't huge, it's still a whole 'thing' and is still very important to me. I want a dress and a ceremony and the reception, the whole nine yards, just scaled down to about 50 people. Not a huge to-do, but still a real wedding. I just saw my best friend through her whole wedding shebang, and I'm excited to do it too, but to do it my way. And some part of me feels like, for me personally, getting paper married now, so far ahead of the event, cheapens it and is kind of a let down. This is just my personal opinion for my own wedding and says nothing about people who choose to have this kind of wedding for themselves - to each their own. I'm just trying to rationalise why the idea of going down to the courthouse with my partner this very week makes me feel sad.My partner has been really pushing the idea lately. I feel like it's because he just turned 38 and wants to have kids, and is ready to get our life started. We are on the same page there but this paper married thing has me tied up. I know we don't have to be married to have a whole life together, but going back to a financial standpoint, it makes sense for us to be married (for health insurance especially) first.
Has anyone else experienced this? How did you compromise? Is this a feeling I can navigate around and come to terms with, or will this stay with me?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by CM, on December 18, 2023 at 4:58 PM

Champion November 2054
Jacks · on December 17, 2023 at 5:10 PM
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Paper married is still married. I can see why you're having trouble with the idea of it.
Honestly if you get married now, having a ceremony in a couple of years is fine, but I'd probably think of it more like a vow renewal than another wedding. That might help separate the events in your mind. You're right though, as you get into your lives it might seem less important to have a big event in two years.
You really can't have it both ways, so maybe have a chat with your partner and decide what's most important to both of you.
In my experience of the boards, some couples do end up having a vow renewal type party later, and others don't. Probably if I had to guess, most don't.
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Super January 2024
Andrea · on December 18, 2023 at 12:11 PM
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I agree, paper married is still married. If you go that option, your party in a few years would be a vow renewal or anniversary party, not a wedding. As you said, it’s a fine option for some, but it doesn’t sound like it’s what you want. Can you compromise and do a wedding maybe late next year, giving you some time to save but not dragging it out so long?
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Master October 2023
Cece · on December 18, 2023 at 12:29 PM
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I think a big portion of your decision is going to be based on whether you agree with your fiancé, and want to start a family immediately. If you want to have a child right away, that will certainly affect your wedding experience (as you will now have to plan to care for a newborn or toddler at your wedding). It would also make more sense to get married now, as health insurance is going to be a huge priority when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for the medical needs of your child. However, if you intend to wait to have a child until after your wedding celebration, then I would say to just wait and get legally married at that time, as it seems clear, based upon your post, that is what you definitely prefer and what seems to feel more “right” for you. Perhaps you could compromise, and move the wedding date up to the end of 2024 or beginning-mid 2025.
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CM · on December 18, 2023 at 1:27 PM
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There is no such thing as "paper married." Either you're married or you're not, with all the right, responsibilities and privileges that go with it. People have fought for the right to be married and it's the marriage that counts, not the party.
A wedding, whether intimate, large or small, by definition takes place on the occasion of your marriage, usually followed by a reception just after. When they happen on the same day the whole event is commonly called "a wedding." A delayed celebration of marriage usually happens within the year. Two years later, I'd call any larger celebration an anniversary party, which could be as big of a deal as your budget allows with most elements of a wedding. Some would call it a vow renewal, but to me these are usually many years down the line, if ever, as vows, no matter what form they took, are not supposed to expire.
I can see why your FI is pushing the idea of getting married if the plan is to have a child or children soon. In your late 30s, if you intend to have them yourself, the reality is time is of the essence. In your place, that would be my priority, as would having the marriage first for many reasons, both legal and emotional. You may feel differently.
As for no longer wanting the big party once you're married and have a child, that did happen to a couple we know. Once I had my own children, they were my focus and saving for their future became most important. Even if that happens, you'll be seeing it through different eyes so to speak. I don't think you'd necessarily be as regretful about it as thinking about it now makes you feel. You can alway celebrate with a big anniversary party at any point. Alternatively you can do a scaled back, more casual reception now.
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Dedicated June 2023
SandyZV · on December 18, 2023 at 3:26 PM
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You should not keep this information from people. It is like you are ashamed to be married for some reason.
A wedding is an unnecessary party, the marriage is the important part. It makes no sense why you wouldn't feel married, or less than married because you didn't have a party. If you think being referred to as husband and wife sucks, then you got married for the wrong reasons.
The whole "I don't feel special because I got married and no one fawned over me" is so, ugh, I don't even know the words.
In closing, it is highly insulting to refer to marriage as "paper married". Do you know how many people over the decades were denied the right to get "paper married"? It seems to me that people who "just get paper married" may have more respect and regard for that part than you who didn't feel special because you didn't have a party.
It is no wonder why divorce rates are so high.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on December 18, 2023 at 4:02 PM
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I would highly advise against being inauthentic about what people are coming to support. People will find out, and there will be hurt feelings about it. I wouldn't start your married life being deceptive!
When a couple is married, and then plan a "wedding", there will be questions. Up until Covid, this wasn't a thing that was done. That's why it's probably best to look at it as a vow renewal or a celebration of a recent wedding. Realistically, it's not going to be the same as a wedding to some people.
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CM · on December 18, 2023 at 4:58 PM
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I'm sorry but this is is terrible advice. The minute you invite people it's no longer only about you. Guests deserve to know what they are being invited to and yes, to plan and prioritize accordingly. You have every right to a private wedding but other people have rights too. I have happily attended delayed celebrations, given comparable gifts etc. but would be offended to be invited to a fake wedding that turned out to be a secret reenactment.
I'm sorry to hear that your family felt you no longer deserved a celebration. Considering the tight budget maybe they were looking at it from a financial perspective, or their opinion was simply that the ship had sailed but that can't and doesn't justify telling others to lie. Not to mention weddings are a matter of public record in many places these days.
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