Has anybody had people who you didn't invite to the wedding shun you because of it?

I cant say in my first marriage i did... but i didnt pay attention.. Your reasoning is 100% valid, and this is on them. Could you imagine if there was a fight at your wedding?

My ex had a friend like that, i dreaded him showing up to any bar gathering. He'd say someone across the bar would look at him wierd..then start a fight, them my ex and all his buddies would have to get involved...to much drama for me.

@ImtheOne4HIm that was my fear. I was dreading him showing up at the wedding, since he showed up at my son's birthday party unannounced a month after the incident. Luckily, BIL wasn't there. I asked DH why he invited him, and he said he didn't. One of their other friend's did. It's tough, I've known him since we were kids, but I just don't like who he has become as a person. I understand that PTSD is horrible, and I empathize. However, I don't like having to be on edge whenever we are at a social gathering that involves drinking. He doesn't even care if there are children present. He'll swear in front of them, and swing at anybody who may rub him the wrong way. He has hit DH on two occasions during his drunken rages. Because of his condition, DH didn't take offense to it. But now, he and I agreed to cut our losses with them, but we just feel bad because our daughters love to play together.

Life is too long to hold grudges like that.

Fark 'em.

I agree that you did everything right here, and that unfortunately, it's your friend that is the one with the problem. I give a lot of leeway to people with mental disorders, but there comes a time when either you need to get help for your issues or you don't, and there are consequences to not getting help that you need. Continue to be cordial and friendly when/if you see them in public.

Yep, some adults can act like complete children. My uncle/aunt never RSVPd to my sister's wedding, which was over twice as large as mine. I refused to waste an invitation on them, so of course, they got all butt-hurt, tried to fish for an invitation, and got my grandmother involved in campaigning for them. I still didn't invite them. They'll probably never see or talk to me again. I certainly don't care.

@annakay511 it's because of his disorder that we haven't cut him off since the previous incidents when he hit DH. I have a cousin with the same issues so we have a sense of what we're dealing with. We will continue to be cordial to him if or when he speaks to us. I think it's more about him missing out on the partying and drinking with our mutual friends that pissed him off. Maybe he will get over it over time.

@ Beach Babe I had the same problem with a cousin (I posted a discussion about him the day after the wedding). He's the one who FB messaged me thanking me for not inviting him. Funny thing was, the next day, DH encountered him at a gas station. The cousin went up to DH and said, "I don't like you. You didn't invite me to your wedding." And of course DH would put it on me and said, "Hey man, I'm not the one who did the invitations." Well, I saw him on July 4th at a bbq, and he didn't say a word to me. Really, dude? I could care less if you talk to me. It's not like we ever talked before the wedding anyway.

Growing up, I had a set of close knit friends/family from church my age that I was close to. There were 6 of us in total. I was especially close to L. From babyhood until we were 19 when she moved to Australia with her boyfriend we were close. She came back home to get married when we were 24 and she invited everyone in the group, my 2 aunts, my cousins, the parents of all our friends, everyone except me. She avoided me for the entire wedding planning process. I didn't do anything to her or have any conflicts with her. She said it was due to budget (which I get) but being singled out like that after the many many years I put into that friendship stung really bad. I never confronted her about it. But it hurt my feelings. And, even as 30 something olds, when she pushes me to do play dates or coffee, I avoid her. Yes, it's petty of me. But her inviting everyone else and singling me out with out a valid reason really put our friendship into perspective. I can *kind of slightly* understand how your friend feels. He really should get why as his actions were the reason for what happened. But I get where he's coming from.

Having mental health issues doesn't make it okay to hurt people. Unprovoked drunken, violent rages are especially not okay. You were absolutely within your rights to uninvite him.

(Soapbox time: people with mental illnesses are in fact far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, and the idea that mental illness makes you more violent leads to further stigma and violence against them. Okay I'm done.)

@Amanda P. I'm sorry that happened to you. We didn't single him out, but if he felt that way, it wasn't our intention. We actually didn't invite all of our friends because of budget and limited seats, so it wasn't anything like that. This guy has has an aggressive nature to begin with. PTSD and alcohol just magnifies it. He also has had run ins with the law. He is aware of his actions, and what happens when he drinks. So we assumed he understood. DH is worried now that he might beat him up at the next mutual gathering if he drinks.

Not exactly that situation but a couple I invited to the wedding declined because I did not use the husband as my photographer. Oh well their loss.

After reading your first post, I was going to say that I was sorry that your family put that kind of ultimatum in your lap. However, after reading your other posts, I applaud them for doing it. They probably saved you from a disaster that would have left you in tears and would have ruined the memory of your wedding day.

Plenty of people (far too many, actually) suffer from PTSD. They don't hit or punch other people because of it. Honestly, I would have cut this friend off after I realized that he gets drunk and takes swings at anybody who rubs him the wrong way. If not then, surely by the time he hit your husband (not once, but twice). Actually, I'm concerned about his girlfriend. If he's a drinker -- and a violent drinker -- he may end up taking his aggression out on her as his world gets smaller and smaller (and it will as people begin to back away from him because he is a dangerous individual). He needs treatment -- both for the PTSD and the alcohol abuse.

The Centerpiece Flowers said it perfectly. I work in the field of domestic violence, and have had experience with veterans experiencing PTSD and TBI (traumatic brain injury). Having PTSD or TBI or both is not always a precursor to DV, but when violent behavior is already present while intoxicated, and even more so when that impacts their support circle and system of friends, can turn into a high risk situation. If the relationship is ever repaired to a point where communication is possible, I would certainly recommend advising them to seek help at the VA or a local DV organization.

I think you made the right choice for your family, and for yourselves. It is never easy to lose a friend, but can at times be necessary.

@Centerpiece and @Amy <3 I didn't want to get into his personal life, but now that you've mentioned it, he is abusive to her. In fact, prior to this present GF, he was with another childhood friend of ours and had a child with her. She left him because of the abuse and kept their daughter away from him because of his behavior. I know he abused his GF now before, I just don't know if he still does or not. My cousin told me about it once when she saw bruises on her. She even told her to leave, but she made the choice to stay and even relocated for him. I hope he's getting help and keeping himself under control. As an outsider, we can only encourage them to seek help, but we can't make them do anything. I have a cousin who has PTSD and a drinking problem as well. He's just like this guy, and almost lost his family because of it. Now, he's gotten help, and saved his marriage and family. I just hope this guy can do the same. I feel bad that the GF couldn't celebrate with us, but we knew he wouldn't just let her go alone. We did what we felt was best for everyone. I still don't understand why a wedding is such a big deal to people on whether or not they're invited.