Halp? Who gets Thank You Cards?

You definitely don't have to send a thank you card to everyone who attended. The reception itself is supposed to be a thank you for those who attended the ceremony. In fact, Miss Manners some time ago suggested not sending thank you cards to those who merely attended, on the theory that it could be taken as a request for a gift.

We sent thank you cards to those who gave gifts, and to those who helped out in any way with the wedding. We were happy to have those who showed up without a gift. (Our view was that we'd rather people show up without a gift than stay home out of embarrassment because they didn't have a gift.) But we didn't send them thank you cards.

I only had 2 couples show up empty handed, so I just wrote them a thank you for showing up

For those who didn't give a gift I wrote "Thank you for sharing our special day with us, it meant a lot to us to have you with us.

I wouldn't be upset if someone showed up empty handed. I understand that money can be tight. But sending a card to someone who did not bring a gift could highlight that fact in their mind or be perceived as fishing for a gift. I had asked if I should send thank you cards to those who came to our engagement party but did not bring a gift and a lot of people said the same thing-you provided them good food and drinks they should be thanking you for a great party. I appreciate anyone who comes to celebrate our marriage and the reception is a good thank you when they are properly hosted, so if they did not bring a gift for whatever reason, there's no need to be thanked again. Plus sometimes there's no shows so without cards and gifts honestly how would you know who was really there to send cards to? Unless you have a very small wedding you couldn't possibly know who all did and did not show up. Again I want to highlight the fact that it would not bother me if someone did not bring a gift and I would be very happy that they came to celebrate.

I just found a copy of the Miss Manners answer to this:

Dear Miss Manners,

Please resolve an etiquette question between me and my fiancé. My fiancé and I are getting married soon. I have purchased some pretty thank you cards so that I can quickly send off thank you notes as soon as the gifts arrive.

Recently it occurred to me that perhaps it is necessary to write thank you notes for all our guests attending the wedding even if it he/she has not given us a gift. If not for his/her presence alone, would it be required to write a thank you note if the guest has traveled to attend our wedding?

I feel as though the presence of all of our guests is a gift, and therefore everyone in attendance should receive a thank you card whether they give us a gift or not. My fiancé believes this way of thinking is excessive. Is he right?

Gentle Reader,

In the midst of a thank you letter famine, Miss Manners is loathe to label any such attempt as excessive. But yes, your fiancé is right.

Hosts do not write to thank guests for their attendance, even though they may respond to their parting thanks with thanks. It is guests who must write letters of thanks to those who entertain them, although this is not necessary for ceremonial occasions.

Of late, Miss Manners has had a number of inquiries from brides who have suggested doing this as a way of prompting guests whom they deem remiss to send presents. While not accusing you of any such motives, she warns you that the suspicion will arise.

I will be sending every household a thank you card. Our wedding is a couple hours away for most of our guests and a lot of them will have to spend money on a hotel. I appreciate all my friends and family doing that for us, so everyone will be getting a card.

KitandKaboodle- Well, kinda like other people have said, I can see sending a thank you to people that didn't give a gift as an unintentional gift reminder. And I think about it this way, if I invited people to a dinner party, I wouldn't send them thank you cards after for attending. I think the reception and any favors are a thank you for all who attend, the thank you cards for those who give gifts as well.

The answer from Miss Manners is perfect. A thank you note for attendance can come off as fishing for gifts and is not proper etiquette.

Hmmmmm. Now I'm a bit torn. I certainly don't want anyone to think we are "fishing" for an envelope upon receiving a thank you card. I am going to preface this next statement by saying that in no way was any detail or dollar amount spent on my wedding done with the expectation that guests would "pay us back" for hosting this special day. All the financial choices I made were ones that I could afford, and without regret or expectation of bucket loads of $. That said, to show up to a wedding without even a congratulatory card to me is extremely rude and in poor taste. @VC you and I are in the same boat (still having trouble getting past it) however my DH is adamant that no additonal thank you card is needed for those who came completely empty-handed (we did make our way around to each table and thank each person personally). Gah.

Well, I am confused by the expectation of showing up to a wedding with gift in hand, I thought that one of the purposes of registries was so that you can send your gift and deliver it outside of the wedding ceremony. I read somewhere that you have up to 1 year to give a wedding gift, and I certainly don't expect or want to have a bunch of toasters and wine glasses and picture frames to lug home from my ceremony. So I wouldn't look funny at people who showed up at your ceremony empty handed because they may be shipping you your gift if you have a registry, and assuming the 1 year etiquette rule is correct, they have a long time to do this. If this is all true, then this might affect whether you want to wait up to 1 year to determine if they get a thank you note or just send them all out at once to all of your attendees.

I will probably just send a standard one to all of my attendees (hand signed but not hand written) because most are traveling a long way to attend, and then those who send gifts will receive a hand written note.