Guests who won’t rsvp

"My FINAL RSVP date is X, if you can't 100% commit to attending and have plans in motion to attend, regretfully I will have to count you as not attending."


It's definitely getting crunch time for those passports. That's what I would be super worried about. I've never travelled internationally, can you book those flights without having a current passport?

View Quoted Comment I mean I guess you can book your trip without passports, but depending on the time of year your passport can take 10-12 to process, it’s just so frustrating 🤪 I hate being the bad guy, but if you were that set on going to this wedding, wouldn’t you have booked by now?!

Passports will not be done in 10 weeks so that would be concerning to me. Like the PP said I would text everyone you haven’t heard from and just say “ we have not received your RSVP and must give our final count by x. If we don’t hear from you by then we will count you as a no for our special day”

View Quoted Comment That’s where I’m struggling, a lot of guests then will RSVP that they are going, but still haven’t got a passport or booked trips. How do I handle that?

View Quoted Comment Then I would ask them if they have their passport and confirmed flights. If they say no then unfortunately you can’t count them. How many people are still unconfirmed?

You say exactly that. Unless you've booked a flight, I wont be able to include you as a guest.

It is possible to get a passport in one week. It is very expensive and a hassle but it can be done.

I’m sorry people are being so difficult. You would think by this time people would know if they are or are not going and would be making arrangements.

Count them as not coming per Cousin when I followed up re: her grown sons.

The RSVPs had Postage on them and they didn’t bother to respond to my texts.

I am not having a destination wedding and some of my family will not RSVP just out of spite so I told them if I did not get a RSVP by the deadline I would assume they will not be attending and therefore a place will not be reserved for them. Sometimes you have to be ferm even with the people you care most about. A lot goes into a wedding and people need to realize it's not just a show up last minute event. I hope all goes well for you!

This is hard because your event is still so far away— in most cases invites haven’t even gone out yet or are only just being mailed at 10 weeks, and it’s still plenty of time to book a trip. If they’ve said they’re coming, I’d try to trust them. If you can’t, I’d follow up with them to reiterate that you need to turn your final numbers in soon for final payment so you need to make sure everyone is fully committed. That said, I’d push back on the coordinator. They shouldn’t need to have numbers this early — it’s really outrageously early for that, so I’d try to figure out why, and see where they have any flexibility. For example, when my numbers were due (14 days before the event), that simply set the minimum — that was my guarantee and I’d pay for that number regardless if less showed up. But, I could add on guests up to 2 days before the event. So, I had a couple people who were question marks, so I left them off the list at 14 day count, and adjusted when I had a final answer. I’d be more concerned at 10 weeks out with getting wiggle room from your coordinator than getting answers from guests.

At any rate, if 2.5 months before your wedding I’ve told you I’m coming and I haven’t booked tickets yet — I’m coming. I told you I was. If tickets go up, that’s my problem and my premium to pay, but I’ve already committed and honor my commitments, and ...that’s pretty common trip planning, especially to an accessible destination. I just looked up the DW I went to last year. October 5th wedding. RSVP date Aug 25. I RSVPed yes as soon as I got the invite, way in advance. There was no way I wasn’t going. Looking at my email receipts, I bought my plane tickets on September 4th. The weekend previous I had spoken with several people, all who rsvped yes, and all who attended, and none of whom had bought plane tickets yet, as we were all discussing options and seeing if we could coordinate arrival time. But, we all meant it when we RSVPed yes! ....though we all had passports...,THAT part, I’d be concerned about!! Concern level would vary if they hadn’t started the application yet (I’d have a serious talk with them) versus if they had sent it in and were simply waiting for it to come back (seems safe and shows solid intention!)

You really need to push back on your venue - 10 weeks out for a final headcount is ridiculous.

I would just call or text them and say "Hey! We haven't received an RSVP from you. If we don't hear back from you by X (date), we will count you as a "no" in our final counts for vendors. Thanks!"

It does not matter if people had 8 months notice, or 3 years. The usual thing for a huge number of employers is to let people know they do or do not have time off, 4 weeks or less from any date. And other people's invitations come 6-8 weeks out. It does not matter which friend's wedding you have planned to go to, if you get another invitation from a close family member, to a new date or one you were not aware of, at usual invitation time, you will reverse yourself, and decline the friend, most often. This is why there is a usual, accepted time before which invitations do not go out, 6-8 weeks. And a usual time venue's need a count, 3 weeks or less. So people know if they have work time off for every working person, that no elective surgery they are waiting for will happen, and so all potentially conflicting invitations are on the table at once. So once guests RSVP, they do not change their response. If you contracted with a place that wants answers ay 8-9 weeks out, and wanted people to respond already, before 10 weeks out, it was not a good plan. People cannot tell you what they themselves do not know. See if the venue will work with you on this. Tell them they will lose half or a third of their guests, if guest count is this early. It is a very hard position for you to be in, when you have put so much work into planning. But except for a few locations, flight plans can usually be made up to 3 weeks in advance, and I have received passports 3 weeks after turning in the paperwork and photo, before. Which means people still have a hope of going ( sometimes at lower cost, last minute bookings) when they hear whatever they are waiting for. Except for venue deadline.

View Quoted Comment

Seriously? You're saying that most people won't know if they're attending a wedding out of the country 10 weeks out? Most people need more than 10 weeks to save and plan for a trip like that.

OP, like PP have said, just call or text everyone that you haven't heard from and tell them that your vendors need a final headcount ASAP.

View Quoted Comment I have had money all saved up, for tickets, food and lodgings, gifts bought, new cothes purchase for days or a week for an event, and still had to wait til 4-5 weeks out for some official word. Sometimes from work. Once we got an adoption court date, which would have meant waiting 6 more months for a new date. Or skip a wedding, and other of my family too. And jury duty, which in NH is a month obligation, but 4-5 weeks out you may get an actual service date that allows you to go.
You can seriously intend to go, but not have word from work or some other deciding thing, yes .

View Quoted Comment If you're expecting something like that then tell the couple. Don't just not respond. If you know a family member is getting married and you'll be invited, chances are you'll know the date of the wedding before the invitations are sent. It's 2019. It's really just about communicating with the couple. If you seriously are unsure whether you can attend, that's one thing, and obviously unexpected things come up. But most of the time people are just being lazy by not RSVPing by the given date.

View Quoted Comment I absolutely agree that people should talk to their hosts, and tell them what they are waiting for, and when they will finally know. Our families and guests were spread out, and we had a wedding within reasonable drive of all, 2-4 hours, no one local. And every person who truly did not know did explain. Some knew in last couple days ( babies born), but most knew right at 3.5 weeks: people needed to keep businesses open, and hospital medical staff, firemen, policewoman, a judge. My point is that venue's should not require info before people can possibly know. Not that people should blow off hosts for no reason. Most venues set a more reasonable timeline, as do hosts. 9-12 weeks out, to RSVP, is too early for many to commit.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your advice! I have reached out to some close friends and family and just politely let them know if they were unable to book their trip or apply for passports by October 5th (our wedding is December 6th in Cancun) that unfortunately I would have to mark them unattending, but I would keep them posted if we have a reception back home. They have responded that they have “plenty of time” to get a passport but I let them know it was up to my coordinator, not me.

What do you do when they’ve said they’re coming, but won’t give you their meal choice after you’ve asked for it?