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Just Said Yes August 2019

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Amy, on May 27, 2019 at 4:29 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13

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Hello everyone! My wedding is coming up in August and things have been going well. Thanks to my dad our wedding is being completely paid for. Since my dad is paying he decided to invite some of his longtime friends which the majority I happen to know but have not seen in a while. At first I did want him to invite them but I then realized after all he's paying and it's a huge gift anyone can ever give. Lately my fianceé has been against the idea of him inviting his friends and thinks she should speak with him to see if he can understand her. I'm against her doing that because I myself have tried to tell him not to invite his friends and that did not go so well. His explanation was that after I get married many of my "friends" at the wedding won't stick around long and he wants to have his friends there who will stick around after I'm gone and who he appreciates. The other thing is my father is also purchasing a home for us so I'm not trying to be a jerk about the whole situation. After all it's more than I can ask for. Please let me know what you guys think about this situation and how would you go about it. Do you think because he's paying he has the right to invite his friends or not? Let me know! Thank you!

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Emily, on May 27, 2019 at 9:36 PM

Dedicated September 2020
Emma · on May 27, 2019 at 4:33 AM
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Wow, that is a huge gift! A wedding and a house? I agree with you for not wanting to argue with him, but maybe instead of asking not to invite the friends completely, instead ask if he can limit the number of people he's planning on inviting. So everyone is happy.
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VIP June 2019
Formerbride · on May 27, 2019 at 6:20 AM
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I guess if you don't want a paid in full wedding and house, you could certainly tell him not to invite them. My parents gave us a lump sum that pays for maybe a quarter of our wedding (still grateful!) and they have 12 friends attending our wedding out of 73 guests total. I'm sure it can be frustrating to have people at your wedding that aren't heavily involved in your life, but I think it happens to most of us. How many friends is he inviting? How many people are invited to the wedding overall?
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Devoted July 2021
Emily · on May 27, 2019 at 7:20 AM
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If he’s paying he should be allowed to invite who he wants. Sounds like you’ve already tried to have the conversation against it so your fiancée should leave it at that. I’m in the same boat with my parents inviting about 30 friends. I look at it as a celebration for them too - one of their children they worked hard to raise is getting married. They should be allowed to show this off through this event and enjoy themselves with their friends too.
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Master October 2017
karen · on May 27, 2019 at 7:33 AM
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Is your fiance upset because she does not want to explain to her parents that your dad will have friends there and they cannot? How many guests does each set of parents get? I think she is really ungrateful.
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Super October 2019
Kelly · on May 27, 2019 at 8:04 AM
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Is there a guest limit either at the venue or created by your dad & are his friends preventing your FW from inviting her friends or family?

I think it it is very generous that your father is paying for a wedding and buying your house - however if the guest lists are preventing people that she wants there - I can also understand her point.

However if he is paying & if he is not willing to change the guest list - than you have 2x options, pay for it urself or suck it up & give him the guest flexibility.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on May 27, 2019 at 11:53 AM
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Can you ask him to limit the number of friends he invites?
If you're having a 200 person guest list, he shouldn't be inviting 100 friends. Maybe a 10% situation.
Unless these guys are total jerks, having them at your wedding shouldn't be a huge issue.
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Expert August 2020
Heather · on May 27, 2019 at 12:52 PM
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I would let him invite some friends. If they aren’t going to cause drama there shouldn’t be a problem. My rule is if my in laws want to invite someone they know that isn’t already on our guest list they pay for them. Since your dad is paying for the wedding I think it’s only fair. If you want to limit his number of guests, I think that is fair too
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on May 27, 2019 at 12:58 PM
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As others have said, your father is incredibly generous for not only paying for the whole wedding, but also buying you a house. Our parents are contributing about 1/3 each, and they have a small group that they are inviting. As others have said, if like 50% of the wedding is his guest list, that may be something to talk about. Otherwise, I would pay for the wedding myself or suck it up and let him invite his guests.
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Dedicated January 2023
Schyler · on May 27, 2019 at 2:20 PM
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First off it sounds like your FH is being selfish.( I mean not only is he paying for the wedding but he is buying you a house and she is worried about a few friends) If thats the case I would tell her you 2 need to pay for your own wedding and the you can have completed control. If that not the case let your dad invite his few friends.
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VIP September 2019
CDickman · on May 27, 2019 at 3:20 PM
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I agree he should be allowed to invite people he is paying. It is the least you can do.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on May 27, 2019 at 3:58 PM
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Unfortunately, your dad is paying very generously so telling him to not invite his friends is like a punch in the gut to him. The "no pay, no say" rule means that since he's paying, he gets a say
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Dedicated October 2021
Robert · on May 27, 2019 at 4:14 PM
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Did you and your fiancee decide together to let him pay? If she was part of the decision then it seems rude for her to then decide she doesn't want to give him any control over the wedding he's paying for. If she didn't have much of a say in the decision, then it's understandable that she might not be comfortable with him trying to change the guest list.
Personally I think it's unfair of your father to think that offering to pay for YOUR special day mean's HE'S entitled to arranging his own party-within-a-party, but if bringing guests was part of the arrangement then of course you should hold up your end of the agreement and let him do so!
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Super October 2017
Emily · on May 27, 2019 at 9:36 PM
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If you decide to accept money as a gift, you accept strings attached. My father was the only person who gave us any money toward our wedding and was no where near paying in full. I invited lots of his family whom I otherwise would not have because of that, I made sure we got apicture of that side of the family when we didn't do other extended family pictures and if he had any other requests, they would have happened.
No only is he paying for your wedding but buying you a HOUSE?1?! As someone in their mid-30s and miserable in an apartment that I swear I'm just going to die in at this point, there is virtually nothing I wouldn't put up with if someone offered to buy me a home. I'm not sure if your fiance is young or lacking in life experience but that gives you a leg up that many people could never dream of.
Unless she wants to say no to these gifts (personal choice, honestly, wouldn't be worth it to me), then I would want her to apologize to my dad. Or at least we would take him out to dinner and discuss an apology together. Now at the very least I think you and your fiance need to get on the same page so that she understands the true depth and graciousness of these gifts as well as the strings attached. Discuss together what that means to both of you and move forward from there. If my husband had balked at any of the concessions made for my father I would have had some very real discussions because he was the only one out of any of our family who was willing to help. I appreciated that my husband understood that and was as grateful as I was.
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