Guest List Struggle

The general rule of thumb is to make cuts consistently by category, or in circles, for example cousins or no cousins, children of extended family and friends or no children, etc. I'd make a VIP guest list first and pick a venue within budget second.

I have a HUGE family, so cuts were a must. We did what CM suggested - we invited in "circles".

For example:

Circle 1: wedding party & their spouses

Circle 2: parents, grandparents, siblings

Circle 3: closest friends

Circle 4: aunts & uncles

Circle 5: cousins

Circle 6: not as close friends

Circle 7: second cousins

Circle 8: friends of family/parents

The easiest/most "PC" method is to invite all members of a circle, or none.

However, I know there are certain exceptions in families; so this method doesn't always work for everyone. If that's the case for you and your SO, I would just make a list of all guests, starting with most important to attend to least important. And once you hit your max number on the list, stop. That will ensure the people you want there the most will be included. I know it's hard feeling as though you are excluding people, but it's the harsh reality of hosting events.

There is no one size fits all answer. What works for one group won’t work for another. For some people, it works to have circles of 1) parents and siblings, 2) grandparents and aunts/uncles/first cousins, 3) best friends, 4) parents’ friends and coworkers, and 5) extended family not already listed. Not everyone shares the same relationship tiers as other people but the “wedding experts” ignore them outright because “real life doesn’t exist” where families may be estranged, people have found families where their friends have become their families, they may be closer to extended relatives than those more immediate. Contrary to popular belief, it is not etiquette for or against that you have to invite everyone in a “circle” especially if you have no relationship. If you are close to Aunt A but you have never been comfortable around Uncle B or Aunt C, why should you be required to invite them before you can invite your best friends? Because “etiquette” says so? It really doesn’t say that because for all the backlash against it being “outdated” and “irrelevant”, etiquette is about avoiding unpleasant social situations and inviting a relative you don’t want to attend is in fact creating an unpleasant social situation.


Sit down with fiancé and make 4 lists: first is a list of your absolute must have people. It doesn’t matter how they are related to you, if at all, and best friends are often on this list. If they are your ride or die must have people, that trumps a relative you have no relationship with who is invited only to please the parents who aren’t even paying 10c towards anything. On a second piece of paper, make a list of your nice to have people who are separate from the first list. You still want to celebrate with them if there is room in your budget and space but you aren’t obligated to invite them by anyone. Third list is whomever your parents are pressuring you into inviting and not respecting your boundaries that you don’t feel comfortable sharing the day with them. Relatives you have no relationship with and parents’ coworkers/friends usually fall into this category. The last list is the people you absolutely do not want to attend. Anyone not on the first 2 lists gets an announcement in the mail after the wedding has passed.

For the relatives, are you opposed to working with other relatives to arrange an annual family reunion picnic at a local park that is not associated with your wedding? You don’t even have to be responsible for catering costs. That way, you still spend time with them and you are not having to sacrifice people you know and want in attendance at your wedding that you only get one of.

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That's why etiquette also says "all things being equal." There are always exceptions, no question.

I totally agree with Michelle. I specifically invited those that me and my FH are very close to because, at the end of the day you’re the one who has to feel comfortable and surrounded by people who absolutely love you. Would you spend around 100$ on those people you haven’t seen in yearssss or aren’t close to you anymore? If not, then cut them off and forget about etiquette. No book or rule says what you must do or mustn’t do at a wedding!

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Such sage advice.