I’m in need of some guidance. My mother went behind my back to invite an estranged relative to my wedding (this May 2021) who has bad blood with some of my immediate family members who will be in attendance. This estranged relative is apparently hoping to make her re-entry to our family again at my wedding, which I think is way inappropriate and not really the right time or place to do that. Overall, I don’t really want this relative there as I have very few positive feelings towards her, but I don’t want to upset my mom. How can I go about rescinding this guest’s invite to my wedding without hurting my moms feelings? Anyone have experience in explaining situations to your mother’s without just saying “my day, my way”?
Mom should not have done it. The other relatives' bad blood is not the issue. In a crowd, no individual guest should be so put off by another ones' presence that they cannot behave themselves, avoid that person, and enjoy themselves. "Well if she comes, I won't come" is for spoiled children, not adults. But you do not care for her and have no reason to invite her to your party. Call the person, and politely say, you did not issue an invitation to her. Mom may invite people to her own parties, but not to yours. In this case Mom assured you you were invited, when she knew quite well you were not on our guest list. ... Ordinarily, this would be enough to make this person never accept an invitation of yours again. In this case, that does not seem a problem. After you have left this person clearly informed that she did not have a genuine invitation, tell your Mom no more invitations behind your back. That you are sorry you likely humiliated her when you took back the invitation, but she brought it on herself. This is not her wedding, it is yours.
Wow, talk about overstepping! I completely agree with you, this is not the place for an estranged family member to make their grand reentry into the family. Typically I would say your mother needs to contact this person and resend the invitation. However, the fact that your mom already went behind your back and invited this guest knowing it was against your wishes would make me hesitant to trust her to handle the situation. If I were you, I would reach out to the family member yourself, to ensure it actually gets done. You could always use the pandemic as an excuse if you do not feel comfortable stating the real reason she is being uninvited. You could just tell her you are very sorry but your mother invited her without consulting with you, and unfortunately you had already had to cut people due to restrictions, and there simply is not room. If you are live streaming your ceremony, you could invite her to watch it virtually in lieu of an in-person invite.
Your mom WAY overstepped her boundaries. Can you depend on your mom to retract this invite? Either way I would contact this person & let them know that it wasn’t your mother’s place to extend the invitation. Let her know that she’s not invited plus your wedding is no place to make up with the rest of the family.
Your mom should not have done that, yikes. I think you should give your mom a chance to uninvite them, and make it clear to her that she may not invite people to your wedding. Then you should also uninvite the family member and apologize for the confusion (she was never invited by you, so it's not you uninviting anyone really, just clarifying the guest list)
I know you don't want to be "my day, my way" but in this case it is that--its your day, you don't want it to be a family therapy session. It's not the appropriate time/place for this family member to be coming back onto the scene. If your mom wants to bring this family member back into the fold, she can fo it at her own party.
Wow I agree with the others. Your mom really overstepped some boundaries with this one. You need to call the guest personally and explain that they are not invited and why and then speak to your mom and tell her you did it. Make sure she knows it’s not ok to do it with anyone else.
Your mom definitely overstepped, and your wedding shouldn't be a family reunion with estranged family members. That's ridiculous that she would think that would ever be appropriate.
I would tell my mom that she can reach out and explain why the invite has to be redacted, since she took it upon herself to extend an invite to an event that wasn't hers. IMO!
If you wanted to be polite about it, you COULD call this family member and tell them that you don't want your wedding to be an experimental reunion and you're not going to risk it being ruined over bad blood and family drama - but I personally wouldn't, I would have mom do it!
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I Agree with this . It was extremely rude of your mom to do that behind your back. You have to put your foot down with her and if that means she gets upset then she will just have to be upset. If you don't put her in her place now she will just keep walking all over you. It's your wedding day not hers. Its not a reunion it's a wedding and shouldn't be treated like a reunion.
Not being mean at all but your mom made the mistake and I think that she needs to be the one to fix it. I would just tell her that you don't feel comfortable with that person being invited and that you don't want to deal with stress or drama related to them being present on your wedding day and there are more appropriate ways for that person to reach out to family members if they choose to do so.
Did your mom steal and invite to send, or was this word of mouth? If it was just your mom telling her - don’t send an invite. And your mom has to deal with this person asking for details. Your mom made the mess, she can clean it up. If your mom stole an invitation and send it, first, find out how many more she did this with and who they were sent to. That will be harder to deal with and there will be hurt feelings, and will require you, your FH and your mom to be a united front. And...if you have a gossipy friend, have them start to spread the word that your mom has zero to do with the wedding so if she tells anyone they are invited, she’s just making stuff up.
No one wants to hurts their parent's feelings but it happens often. In your situation, you have to choose: Either you might hurt mom's fellings ( maybe you're overreacting and she wouldn't mind that much) or you hurt your own feelings/you will worry about this person being there. Do you want to add extra stress,headaches to please mom or set a firm boundary to make sure you'll be 100% happy? If she trully loves you (I assume she does), she should understand your feelings about this relative and should get over it pretty quickly. PLUS you Don't want to invite this person. It would be another story if you were unsure.Explaining how you feel is the best way to deal with your mom, the "my day, my way" thing should only be used as a last resort if she doesn't want to understand/ try to nag, to guilt-trip you, especially if she's not contributing financially.
I would let mom know either she tells the family member or you do that they are not invited. Your wedding is not a mending affair, it is a celebration. If the chances are high that tensions would be high or confrontation would occur, this is not the appropriate venue for this to happen. Mom can arrange her own affair to conclude personal, private family matters that won't embarass you or make other guests feel uncomfortable.
Unless mom is paying for the wedding (which I assume is not the case), she has absolutely zero say in the guest list (and even if she is paying, she should be mindful of your wishes, as you are the guest of honor.) And that's exactly what she needs to be told.
It's not "my day, my way." It's "it is incredibly impolite and disrespectful for you to invite someone without my knowledge." It actually doesn't matter that this person is "bad blood" - it was rude for her to invite someone without your knowledge, period. ESPECIALLY in these times, when it is uncertain how many guests you may be permitted to have at your wedding (we may see an improvement in restrictions by May, but there is no guarantee.)
Also, you are absolutely right that your wedding is not the time for this person's grand re-entrance into the family. Just as people shouldn't propose at someone else's wedding or announce a pregnancy or any other life-changing news (at least not without the blessings of the couple beforehand.) Mom needs to be told that this re-introduction should be done her own time, not yours, and needs to be given a deadline to confirm that she has retracted the invite. If you suspect she hasn't by then, it will unfortunately be time to contact this person yourself and tell them you are sorry that your mother overstepped, but they are simply not invited.
You are being way to considerate to your mom, who went behind your back and invited someone to your wedding you did not include on your guest list. Rescind the invitation and let mom know she was 100% completely out of line. She doesn't get to be hurt in this situation.
You are correct, a wedding is not the place for an estranged family member to reinsert themselves into the family, and no one (including your mom) has the right to co-opt your event to attempt to do so.
Yes to all of this. If she invited one person then you need to find out how many more she could have invited. And also, in this situation your Mom should be worried about your feelings not vice versa. Her monkeys, her circus.