Guest List - Let's Avoid Hurt Feelings

You just kinda deal... we went from 70 down to 35.. I'm still trying to cut t and FH is telling me no. However i know it'll go back up in case my dad decides to invite his siblings, and some work colleagues. That alone can add just over 20... Grrrr...

Other people's feelings are their responsibility, not yours. If you treat both families fairly, host the wedding you can afford, and properly host the guests you do invite, you have done the right thing.

Where you run into difficulties is when you do not treat everyone the same e.g. why only some kids? You can do it, but you need to be prepared with a rationale for your decision. It is fine to invite only kids in the wedding party etc. But you will cause strife if you invite some kids because they are traveling, when your choice of venue dictates that everyone will have to travel.

Address the invitations by name, indicate the number of seats reserved on the rsvp card, and prepare a response for those who change the number.

You are not responsible for their hurt feelings. I honestly think that many people hosting weddings think their intended guests are far more enthusiastic about being a guest than they might actually be....

Invite who you want and can afford to host well. The end.

I am with Celia Milton: Invite who you can afford, do not worry about people's feelings (they will feel things no matter what) and please, in all that is good and holy: put the guest list away for 18 months!!!! Your wedding is two years away!!!

People assuming they are entitled to be there is the worse, but having a semi DW will help you for sure!

I invited people to not hurt feelings. In my family if I didn't invite my second cousins- they'd never talk to us anymore. There are 2 reasons people in our families get together and it's weddings and funerals. If you didn't include some of the family and I did because otherwise I'd hurt people I care about but don't get to see very often-I'd never hear the end of it.

You say invite who you want- but family politics does dictate who many of us feel we "have to invite." Many of us do have obligations and everyone has to be invited or the family doesn't talk. That's an issue. And I'd much rather see people together to celebrate than to mourn.

Invite in circles, and don't invite just anyone.

Invite in circles (parents, grandparents, cousins are examples of circles) and remember that other people's hurt feelings are their own responsibility, not yours.

We're doing parents, siblings, and grandparents only for our family invites. If an aunt or uncle decided to be hurt or act childish and not speak to me anymore because I didn't invite them like I didn't invite ALL THE OTHER AUNTS AND UNCLES, I would not feel responsible.

Also, a good way to avoid hurt feelings is to simply not talk wedding with people who aren't invited. I don't talk about our wedding in front of my aunts and uncles unless I'm directly asked a question, and then I try to keep it brief and to the point....then change the subject.

My approach really is to make sure I have who I want there and then see if there is anybody else who has to be there. Our guest list has quite a bit of room left on it though, honestly. As set, our wedding is slightly smaller than I'd like.

@Fairest - hey date twin!

Ultimately, your budget and venue will determine your guest list. With more than two years to go, I think trying to flesh out a guest list is slightly premature. Right now, plan on VIPs and close friends. As the years go by, you'll have a better idea of who you can afford to add to that list.

As far as hurt feelings as concerned, Celia is right; many people are no where near as invested in attending a wedding as the couple believe they are. Sure, if you invite one brother and not the other, you're going to have drama, but not inviting co-workers or second cousins isn't going to devastate anyone.

@Cassidy I get what you are saying. Both of us come from families that are close. Our mothers and fathers talk to all the aunts, uncles and cousins on a regular. They would feel slighted if they weren’t invited. We knew this going in and found a venue that would be able to host everyone. We did draw the line at some family relations but pretty much everyone is invited.

I don't care about hurt feelings. If I haven't seen or talked to you in over a year, you're not invited.

@MelissaHH, well that's your opinion, and I don't think it's fair for you to assume a family is being manipulative simply because they are used to getting married with everyone in the family there. If I didn't invite my grandmother's sister, I think she'd be very upset. Just because I'm not super "close" to everyone- doesn't mean I want to purposely go out and hurt those in my family.

It is not manipulative for a family member to be hurt that they weren't invited to someone's wedding. It's just not always as simple as -" we don't talk, so you're not invited."

I have many relatives making the trip for me who would not otherwise be able to attend. We make trips to see them, but I can't invite her one(adult child) and not the other ones without hurting her. That's not manipulative- it's just the way things are for many of us because we love everyone in our family and want them there but sometimes it gets out of control managing others expectations. I think it's incredibly self-centered to call someone's family manipulative when you don't have the family politics.

Good for you that you don't- but it's not that simple for a lot of us.

Hey you're getting married on my birthday

As for avoiding hurt feelings, just avoid wedding talk around those not invited.

I honestly think the whole if you pay you have a say thing is overused. If the only reason aunt Shirley gets invited is because your parents ponyed up some cash who is really being manipulative? My guest list stays the same regardless of who is paying. I would feel extremely shitty putting a price tag on people my parents consider family.