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Just Said Yes October 2024

Guest List Issues

Gmb, on December 28, 2023 at 4:18 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7
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Hi there! Hoping for some advice!


My fiancé and I got engaged recently and we are getting married next year! I am so excited, however, we are having some issues with the guest list.
My parents are paying for the wedding and I have a large family of whom I am required to invite. However our guest list “limit” is 150. My FH initially gave a number that was well within the 150 limit and to get there we unfortunately needed to cut many of his friends.
My FH dad recently had a talk with him and said essentially all the cutting and limits to the guest list isn’t reflective of a happy occasion such as a wedding. And his dad has about 20 friends he’d like to invite. Not to mention my FH’s brother has friends he wants to invite as well.
My mom has been really insistent about being budget conscious (which is totally fine! I am very grateful that they are paying for the wedding!!) however she got very upset when I told her that FH’s brother had friends he wanted to invite ( this was previous to this new situation) as it’s not the brothers wedding but mine and FH. I told her that it wasn’t really fair that my list was so large due to required invites and thus my FH family was limited as to their list. She then said the list cannot exceed 150.
My FH family is happy to pay for all the guests that exceed the 150 limit and have offered multiple times to help pay for the wedding as well as pay for all the friends they invite, whether it’s beyond the limit or not. I’ve told my mom about these offers and she’s refused them saying they’ll figure out a way. My dad is a traditional guy but I don’t think she’s brought their offers to him, but I can’t be sure either way. My dad has also been very open to inviting more people but im not sure if my mom is putting pressure on me just because she always does in general or there are secret marital conversations going on that she’s trying to communicate to me.
I’ve yet to bring this new situation to my parents and I am looking for some different perspectives! Thank you very much!!

7 Comments

Latest activity by Gmb, on January 4, 2024 at 5:01 PM
  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Your parents are paying for the wedding, so what they say really has the most weight.

    Honestly though, why would your FI's brother get to invite people to your wedding? That does seem really odd. I'd be a hell no to that anyway. What does your FI think about it? Why are you cutting your FI's friends but inviting his brother's?

    Is the 150 a venue head count limit or a limit based on the budget that your parents have set?

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  • G
    Just Said Yes October 2024
    Gmb ·
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    Hi there! Thanks for the replySmiley smile


    So for some context, my FI is first generation and from a southeast Asian family, so that being said this may just be a cultural difference that we are running into regarding the extra invitees.
    The cuts we made to my FI friends were due to the fact that he was inviting people based upon wanting to go to someone’s potential wedding in the future and not because he was still close or necessarily wanted them there lol
    With regards to my FI brothers friends, a lot of them my FI knows really well and we had already included most of them into the guest list, with the exception of a couple.
    Additionally, and this where I think the cultural difference shows, is their perspective is that their friends will bring sizable cash gifts of which will be given to my parents directly so my parents would be reimbursed essentially.
    The 150 is the number I gave to my parents that was a working number, and not our venue’s capacity.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    OK I see. That makes more sense now. Still, your parents call the shots, since they're paying for the wedding.

    I'd still say no to FBIL's friends, and support your parents boundaries.

    In addition, when saying "no" to requests like this you don't have to give a reason or an excuse. If you do, then people will try and "solve the problem", like offering to pay extra $. That makes it harder to say no.

    In future, just say "sadly no we can't accomodate your request, but looking forward to celebrating with you at the wedding!" Your FI absolutely has to be on the same page with this.

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  • Andrea
    Rockstar January 2024
    Andrea ·
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    I do think it’s unfair to both insist on a hard guest limit and require you to invite a large number from your side. Your fiancé is entitled to have people from his side too. But since your parents are paying for it, you have to accept their strings. You have to decide what you’re okay with.
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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    Why is your mother against your FI parents helping to pay for the wedding? I think it's very reasonable for them to pay for those they want to invite. I would agree with other PPs saying that she is paying so she gets to call the shots if not for that. I don't think she gets to call the shots if others also contribute.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    If parents are paying, they get final approval of any decisions, even if they were only covering $5 of the entire budget. That is what happens when other people pay: strings are attached in some way. If you don’t like their conditions, give the money back and pay for everything yourselves and adjust the plans to fit what you can afford. A wedding can be done on a shoestring budget, and they are every day, but you have to prioritize and cut out everything else. Also learn how to set boundaries with consequences and say no without fear if anyone retaliating. However, it is highly inappropriate and not acceptable for your parents to deny someone else offering money if they choose. Your parents already got married and perhaps come from a generation where the couple is not encouraged to choose what they want, and that is their choice to make if they allow that. But that does not allow them to decide for you what they feel is appropriate at your wedding.
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  • G
    Just Said Yes October 2024
    Gmb ·
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    Thank you for all of your thoughts! The situation has been resolved and I so appreciate all of the various perspectives!!
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