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Just Said Yes November 2022

Guest List Help!

Faith, on November 22, 2021 at 2:21 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 5

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My fiancé and I are in the guest list stage of planning and I am needing some advice. His family is very small (even with ext. family his is max 20 people) while my family is quite large (minimum 92, max 255 as there are a lot of second cousins and family friends that are very close to me as well). My fiancé and I have decided for a small wedding (max. Main family and some main extended) but I am wanting a huge reception. I am desperately wanting to invite everyone to our reception because I love love LOVE big family parties and feel that I may hurt people in some way because of how close everyone is. But there are many people I just don’t see or especially remember names of and honestly just want to have a good time without feeling put upon to remember so many names and faces 😓 I have 3 questions:
1: How small should I make the reception due to his small family? Would it be too overwhelming to his family to have that large of a reception? The reception will be separate from the wedding.
2: How do I explain to my mom that I just can’t invite all of her family friends without hurting her feelings? And 3: How has anyone else coped with feeling guilty for not inviting friends or family that you loved but could not invite? Thank you 🙏

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Latest activity by Jacks, on November 23, 2021 at 1:51 AM

Super August 2022
Samantha · on November 22, 2021 at 9:06 AM
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So this was definitely something we were struggling with when we started planning. Our situation wasn't quite as extreme as yours, mostly because I'm not really in touch with my dad's side of the family and I'm not sure I actually know any of my second cousins.
My FH's family is really just him, his parents, and his sister. He has some German and Austrian relatives, but they likely would not have made the trip and there still probably would have only been 15 people from his side of the family, max. Mine was more like 45 once I made the list, and that didn't include anyone's kids. Once we added family friends his list was around 25 and mine was getting close to 60. Then we added our friends and our list started inching towards 125-150 and we just really knew that was so much larger than he was wanting.
We played with the idea of an intimate ceremony, but it was getting extremely hard to draw the line on who to invite and who to not. When it comes to intimate ceremonies with large receptions, you really want to keep the ceremony to about 30 people or fewer and have very clear rules - wedding party and immediate family members, perhaps.
I ran this past my mom and she was having none of that. We either needed everyone at the entire wedding or we needed to have a smaller wedding overall. So we did just that and we're going to California and only inviting 40 people 😅
Okay, sorry, really rambled about me there. My bad.
1. Your ceremony really needs to just be immediate family (parents, siblings) and maybe your besties/people you would have in the wedding party if you're going to have a separate, smaller ceremony. Once you start adding cousins or other friends, it starts to get dicey trying to avoid hurting people's feelings.
2. Just be honest with your mom. "Mom, I'm so glad you want to share this day with your friends, and I'm thankful for the role they've played in my life so far, but ultimately this day is about us as a couple and we'd really like to prioritize our own friends in terms of our budget and the space at the venue"
3. I'm still working on this one, so I'll get back to you 😂😅
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on November 22, 2021 at 2:47 PM
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In order to "tier" your wedding you have to make sure you're not offending anyone. If you plan to have a private ceremony, it has to be truly private. You don't want guest A getting hurt that guest B was invited to everything and they weren't. Some people here have done just parents and siblings for the ceremony. I think if you want to go that way that would be a good place to draw it.
As far as the reception goes, if you don't know people's names I would say they shouldn't have an invitation. Don't "tier" the reception and ask people for an "afterparty", it's rude for the same reason. (I know you didn't suggest that, be someone might).
Who is paying for the wedding? Whomever is paying will likely get the final say on budget. Budget will determine a lot of this.
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Super May 2023
Pat · on November 22, 2021 at 9:25 PM
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Just curious .... What do you mean by "tier"-ing the reception? We have a large group of friends that we meet every year in Disney, and correspond with daily-ish via a private FB group. There is no way we can afford to invite them to our wedding, so while on our honeymoon in Disney we are hosting a celebration party at a Disney Springs restaurant. It will just be a wide selection of hot and cold appetizers, wine, beer and soda but live music via the restaurant's normal entertainment. Since the group isn't paying for anything, and are generally super happy for us, why would this be considered" rude"?
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on November 22, 2021 at 10:20 PM
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Agree with this. It comes across to those not invited to the ceremony that they aren’t good enough to attend the ceremony. You are not saving money by having a large reception because that is charged per person. The ceremony is not. Make a list of those people who you cannot imagine the day without. The others do not get an invitation. At the same time, some people are closer to their best friends than their parents and siblings and the BFFs don’t make the cut of “family only”.
Parents can host their friends at another time not related to the wedding and not on your dime. As far as relatives, you can host a family reunion picnic at another another time not related to wedding, again not your financial responsibility. Make it a yearly tradition.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on November 23, 2021 at 1:51 AM
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A tiered wedding is when you have some people to everything, some to ceremony and dinner, some just after dinner, and some only to ceremony etc. Any time you make some people more important than others on the day, you will risk hurt feelings. Since it's against etiquette to hurt the feelings of the guests, it's considered rude (at least in North America, it's a bit different in the UK).
Your party really wouldn't be considered a "reception" in the true sense of the word, since this seems like an entirely separate group and a separate party. In my own opinion, I think that's within etiquette. Your group sounds fun!
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