Guest List etiquette help!! My mom wants to invite a lot of people!

Is your mom paying for the wedding?

I say give her a blank piece of paper with a number written at the top and say "make your guest list fit here". If she's paying for the whole thing, then that's different, but when it comes down to it, it's YOUR day.

The other side of that is can you guys afford it (or is she paying)? If it comes down to her inviting so many people that you can't invite all of your friends, etc, then there is definitely a problem. Take her out to lunch and delicately explain to her your wishes.

If we have not see/spoken to you in a year, you are not invited.

No pay, no say and just like Lady, if I haven't seen you in a year, no invite either

My fiance and I are paying for everything

The reason why my mom wants to add more people is that we just went to a relative's bridal shower and she saw old friends and asked me to include them.

Mind you, I read over what I thought would be a final guest list 2 weeks ago so I have an estimated head count when I reached out to vendors. UGH just annoyed she's not being considerate with the stress that comes with planning!!

"Rules"

1. You must invite people you care about and who care about you

2. You do not have to invite people just because they were around way back when. They aren't around now. Your wedding is now not then. Unless you have a huuge budget and want to invite everyone you've ever known.

3. Invite the people you would actually miss talking to and having fun with at your wedding if you didn't invite them not the ones who would barely know if even that who the bride or groom is if you weren't wear a wedding dress and standing next to him.

If she is not paying for them then do not invite them. It is YOUR wedding, not your mothers. If she wants to see old friends she can have them over for dinner. That is not what your wedding is for. None of them should be invited. If she wants to pay for them then you can have the discussion about the plus ones.

Forgot one more,

4. This is not your mother's wedding. She can catch up with her friends at a brunch date whenever she wants.

I agree with the "no pay, no say." i've, unfortunately, had to throw that out there a few times with some suggestions my mom has thrown in the guest list. um, who are they? "oh, you know them! you're 2nd cousin twice removed from so and so, blah blah blah..." no. mom, no.

it would be one thing if you were getting help financially. obviously, it's up to you as far as you're willing to negotiate. but just remember, each guests costs so much $$$. the smaller the guest list, the more savings in your pocket. that's what we've had to remember.

Thanks for the help ladies!!! @ Pan I'm sending your rules to my other engaged friends, they're great!

My sister did say that our dad would be willing to give money towards their guests, but

1 - FH and I don't want money from my parents. They're both retired and NOT Rockefellar

2 - We don't want people who don't really know us there

3 - We're trying to keep the guest list at 100 max

again thanks for your help and letting me vent!!!

My mother wants me to invite all of the neighbors in her subdivision. I laughed audibly at that request. I only really like two of her neighbors, but it's doubtful that they'll get invited.

If I do not have an active relationship with the people, or if we have not spoken in over a year, they are not getting invited. I know lots of people and so does FH, but that does not mean either one of us wants to celebrate our special day with them. I believe that people on your guest list should be people you care about and know will be happy for you and with you. Feel free to be picky about your guest list.

Having the same problem but w. my inlaws. I feel so guilty about not letting that invite their friends & family I have removed all of my personal friends except my bridal party and one other

Between both of them they have about 100 people and we only have a venue that holds 150 people. Which leaves for my FH myself and my parents to have about 15 people each-which includes ourselves, our kids, and the bridal party/groomsmen.

Ive talked w/ my FH and he thinks its out of control too but wont say anything to his parents (they arent contributing at all financially or lending a hand in anyway).

Ive tried to have my FH do the "you have xx number of invites" and he said that he doesn't feel comfortable standing up to his parents.

I have a spreadsheet w/ all guest information on it I was thinking of just giving them each x amount of lines and telling them that's their limit - but then i feel like a b*tch.

Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I had the same sort of issue except my parents are paying for our whole wedding (but we had a very small budget). It got to the point where I was taking my good friends off the list to add distant relatives and friend's of my mom whose children had invited her to their weddings. It was crazy. At that point I broke and said no big ceremony, just immediate family (parents, siblings and grandparents) and a casual celebration at a later date for which we will invite anyone my mom can dream of because we won't have to worry about the cost of catering and etc.

Since you are paying, it is totally within reason for you to explain to your mom that you can't afford to have that many people. I reminded my mother that it was a very special day for me and my FH and that I didn't want to share it with strangers and not the people I really care about. I think that made her realize.

We are paying for our wedding so the people who are invited is because WE want them there.

We let both sets of parents invite a small number of their friends. It was a compromise that worked for us. They were just excited and wanted to show off to their friends, after all they have attended these same friends children's wedding as well. Since the number was small they didn't take up that much of the guest list and my parents more and covered their costs of attending. They weren't people I would have invited but I knew these people and they usually make great wedding guests - very sociable, like to dance, and bring a great gift.

If that works for you I would approach her and say she can invite say 4-6 (or whatever number you feel comfortable) friends but that's it.

FutureMrsP - YOU need to take control if FH can't. You need to be able to spend the day with the people you want to be with. They need to be told how many people they can invite outside of your circle.

Personally I have to decide how far to go too. When I was younger you'd invite immediate family, Gparents, aunts / uncles and any cousins that exist. Well, this time around my cousins have kids. How far down do I take it? We like kids and it's a big yard party so there is room. I just think if it gets too big I won't be able to see and enjoy with them all.

All in all remember ladies, it is your wedding. There are rules of etiquette for sure but it is your day. You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do. Do what you and the FH want to do to make it special for you.

CathyBe - FH and I have already said that the last line of relatives is going to be cousins (who are over 21 - childless reception except for our son & flower girls/ring bearers - who are going to a sitters after dinner/cake).

Maybe I will use the touch of OCD I have to my advantage - I may just forward them the spreadsheet - lock all the lines except for the 50 people they are allowed to invite (guests, family, plus ones - etc) and tell them when it's full, it's full.

I am just not on the best of terms with my future in-laws due to me and my FH breaking up about 7 years ago (messy is an understatement...) and I dont want to ruffle any feathers again

I would def. like my friends to go instead of theirs. Ugh! More stress

I would either split it to another reception if she really is adamant about inviting all those people but you would not need to invite their children. Unrest and that it makes your parents feel petty if they cannot. I split to two receptions since I was thinking of a cocktail one and a traditional one. Most older Asian folks friends of my parents do not appreciate such cocktail receptions. They honestly think cocktail receptions must be cheap noooooo, they cost waaay more! Ugh!

We are paying for our wedding and its a small event 80 people so we narrowed it down to close family, close friends and some co workers. We decied only to invite a select few of coworkers from each side the ones that typically invite us to their events. Wendy C said it best. "the hand that writes the bills writes the guest list."

Considering we want a small intimate wedding, we didn't invite friends we havent spoken to this year. We invited the ones who we knew would COME and wouldn't flake on us, the people who usually come to our other events.

We are having a cultural ethnic engagement (wedding ) ceremony first. My parents are paying so we have no control on that guest list...GULP I am AFRAID!

Try, "Mom, I know you're eager to catch up with Betsy. Unfortunately, these last minut additions just won't fit in the venue, and frankly, it's stressing me out."