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Just Said Yes December 2021

Guest List Etiquette and Help!

Summer, on April 1, 2021 at 3:18 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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I am in the beginning stages of planning our wedding. And I am at a crossroads with a few things regarding the guest list.
First and foremost, I come from a very small family. After drafting my list, it ended up being about 23 people I am inviting for me. However, my fiancé and his family are the opposite. We have written down the “most important” guests like immediate relatives and the ones who are always there. And so our total is now at about 55 give or take. Not bad! Especially because I am on a pretty tight budget and can’t afford most venues with 80-150 guests (we are paying for this ourselves). He comes from a very large Hispanic family, and I love it! However, he warns me that his Abuela and Tio’s/Tia’s are going to want the entire extended family to come (making the guest list extend to nearly 130 people). I get the family vibe, but it includes people he has not involved with, or has met once when he was a baby. And I am not sure if I am comfortable having so many unknown people at our wedding. He mentions they would pay for the extra people, but I’m uncomfortable that we don’t know these people and they’ve never reached out until now? He said he can just turn them down but is that fair of me to not want that?

Second, and even more awkward, is regarding one of my childhood best friends. We’ve known each other for years and she met her current boyfriend the same time I met my fiancé. I want to ask her to be my bridesmaid (not my maid of honor as that goes to another person) but I can’t have her boyfriend there. Long story short, he is a very mentally abusive person who has completely changed the happy and upbeat friend I always had. She calls me and comes to my house to feel a sense of relief and happiness. But she refuses to leave this guy, he says all of the “right things” when she reaches her breaking point and she ends up staying. I have gotten in numerous discussions about my dislike for how he treats her with both him and her, but it hasn’t held much ground in her life. And it’s not my life! But now that I am planning my wedding and I want her to be a part of it, I am unsure how to tell her that I do not want him there. For multiple reasons, he has an unwelcoming and very pessimistic aura about him. If my friend doesn’t give him constant attention, he folds his arms and has a “sh** face” until he gets what he wants. And I know that I will not be able to fully enjoy my wedding when one of my best friends has to take care of her boyfriend. I have read discussions on the proper guest list etiquette, but I feel pretty strongly about him not being invited. And I just want some input. Both positive and negative are okay, however there is a bunch more to this story than I am mentioning and if anyone thinks I am a terrible friend please know that I have been supportive through everything, and I don’t treat her boyfriend like trash. But when it comes to spending thousands and having what is argued as one of the “best days of my life” I can’t picture him being a part of it.

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9 Comments

Latest activity by SLY, on April 1, 2021 at 6:35 PM

June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 1, 2021 at 3:23 PM
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It’s always a bad idea inviting people you don’t know to your wedding.
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Expert September 2021
MK · on April 1, 2021 at 3:25 PM
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I think you are a thousand percent in your rights to not want friend's toxic boyfriend there. I wouldn't invite him either. And from the sounds of it, your friend may appreciate the opportunity to come without him, since you say she often comes to your house and feels a sense of relief. I have a cousin with a similar relationship, and he is absolutely not coming to my wedding. If that means that she will decline because she won't come without him, I'm okay with that, too.
As for the large family invite, I say stick with what you and your FH's budget allows. If you can't afford to have that large of a guests list, I don't think you should have that large of a guests list. It would be really weird to have them pay their own way in order to come to the wedding. I would tell the unwelcome extended family that you're having a more intimate wedding, and leave it at that! I would immediately shut down the option of them paying themselves. Of course, after you and FH decide the guests count you can accommodate together!
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Master January 2022
SLY · on April 1, 2021 at 3:29 PM
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As far as the guest list goes, you both need to decide who gets invited and not think about what his Abuela and Tio's/Tia's want. They aren't getting married, and a wedding isn't a family reunion, so if you both don't feel like inviting people you've literally never met or are close to, don't invite them. Don't ever invite people out of obligation. Just because they're family, doesn't mean they get an automatic invite. The other thing is people offering to help pay if you invite these other people that they want present. That can cause a problem because I've read too many forums (and have experienced it) when those that have contributed money try to use that as leverage to make their own decisions about your wedding. Don't open that can of worms, it's not worth it.
To address your friend's bf and that situation. If he really has that bad of a presence and you both aren't close to him, then feel free to not invite him. Just be prepared for his reaction to be VERY negative, and possibly your friend's reaction as well to not be pleasant.
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Expert April 2022
Fred · on April 1, 2021 at 3:37 PM
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It's not his granma's/uncle's/aunt's wedding.NO PAY, NO SAY.
However: Does he want to invite the entire extended family?
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Summer · on April 1, 2021 at 3:46 PM
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He tells me it isn’t a really big deal. It’s not detrimental that they come. But he thinks it shouldn’t matter that much if they come and they pay for the extra people.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Summer · on April 1, 2021 at 3:48 PM
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He tells me his family is not like the type of people to use it as leverage. But the same situation happened to his mother. They had a smaller ceremony but then a huge reception (that she didn’t necessarily want) but it happened anyways.
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Expert April 2022
Fred · on April 1, 2021 at 4:09 PM
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Sounds like he doesn't feeI strongly and he wouldn't miss them. I would put my foot down.This is why we are not inviting anyone from my step-parents families: these are people we've never met or we dislike.
I know you don't want to hurt their feelings but don't forget yours. Good luck.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on April 1, 2021 at 4:46 PM
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First of all, he needs to respect your wishes of a small wedding if you both originally agreed to that. Parents/grandparents/aunts and uncles are not getting married so they don't get a say. *Stop all planning until you agree on something together and stick to it.*
Covid is still very much a thing and venues have capacity limits for a reason. Many of those do not go over 100 people. Even more have much smaller maximuimits. It's also rude for guests to ignore the couple's wishes and to have a larger reception. Your fiance should not be offering to pay for extra guests you both did not agree to.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on April 1, 2021 at 6:35 PM
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Even so, I’d still not accept any money they offer. If you don’t want a huge guest list, then you don’t have to have one. It’s nice to cater to others and what they feel, but don’t forget that this day is about you and your FH and if you don’t want a ton of people there, then that’s your decision to make.
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