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Guest list drama with parents. Any advice?

Ashley, on June 7, 2021 at 12:13 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13

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I’m planning my wedding and my fiancé and I have pretty much finalized our guest list. However, my parents and his are not pleased at the fact that we didn’t add the parents of some of our friends to the guest list. These parents are people that we have also grown up with due to long friendships, but we ourselves wouldn’t put them as a higher priority due to the fact that there are dozens of friends and family that come before them. Of course we would have love to add them to the list if we could but we literally have no room to add them due to extra costs.

My fiancé and I are the first people in both of our families to actually plan a wedding since both of our families are only used to going to the courthouse. We’re also paying for this wedding for ourselves with no help, which neither of us are complaining about since we know that both of our families don’t have rich backgrounds and we understand.
However, it is a little bit stressful and annoying that we’re being criticized over this situation because they’re not factoring in the cost of adding extra people to the guest list. It feels like every time we try to tell them about the costs, they tell us that we’re spending too much anyway and advise for us to have a courthouse ceremony like the rest of our family. Neither of us have anything about courthouse ceremonies, but we both want a wedding since we’re in the position to afford and plan for one.
Any solutions?

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Amanda, on June 8, 2021 at 10:16 AM

Ashley · on June 7, 2021 at 12:20 PM
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Typo*
Neither of us have anything against courthouse ceremonies, but we both want a wedding since we’re in the position to afford and plan for one.
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Super October 2022
AJ · on June 7, 2021 at 12:22 PM
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Stick to your guns, since they’re not contributing financially in any way they don’t get a say. It’s your money do what you want. Let them be upset. I’m sorry they can’t be supportive, there’s not much you can do besides be firm in your decisioning.
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on June 7, 2021 at 12:23 PM
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If you are paying for the wedding yourselves, then neither of your families have any say in anything you do. Remind them that this is your wedding and your finances and you will plan it how you two see fit.
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Devoted August 2022
Nicole · on June 7, 2021 at 12:44 PM
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Be honest with them that you cannot afford to add any more guests, then either leave it at that, or suggest that they pay for any additional guests they want to invite (only do this if you WANT the extra guests). Perhaps once they are responsible for the bill they will understand.
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle Online · on June 7, 2021 at 12:59 PM
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Set boundaries as a team. Be firm that you do not have the funds to host the extra people. Only those paying get final say. Plus it seems odd anyway to insist on extra people when they prefer a courthouse wedding that traditionally has no guests. Let them know that they are always welcome to host those friends at an event (outdoor picnic?) at another time that is not your wedding.
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on June 7, 2021 at 1:12 PM
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Since you're paying for your wedding yourself, you and FH are the only people who control the guest list. Your parents do not get a say if they are not contributing financially. Stick to your guns and set some boundaries with them. They should not be criticizing you!
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Lisa · on June 7, 2021 at 1:36 PM
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Don’t mention your wedding to them. If they bring it up and mention guest list or anything negative, simply hold up a hand and say,” I’m not discussing this with you”. Or “nit up for debate”. Or put your fingers in your ears and say “lalalala ... I can’t hear you”.
Shut them down. From what you typed, only being this firm or ridiculous will stop them. They obviously don’t care what you say so shut it down.
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on June 7, 2021 at 1:47 PM
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Don't discuss it with them, do NOT let them offer to pay for extra guests. That will only open the floodgates. Simply say "We are are our maximum capacity and our guest list is complete. How are the Mets doing these days?"
Do not bring money into it. Trust me, I went through this with a cousin who insisted her son and DIL come, she would pay, blah blah blah and I was like, please stop badgering me about this.
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Master July 2021
Rebelle Fleur · on June 7, 2021 at 2:27 PM
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Be firm in your decision and stay consistent with your reasoning. If you allow them to win this battle there will be much more to come. They are entitled to their opinions but what you guys decide is law. This will help establish healthy boundaries in your relationship early on.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on June 7, 2021 at 3:13 PM
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Be firm with your boundaries. It sounds like you have a clear vision of what you want for your wedding, and unless others are financially contributing to your event, they get no say.

You should invite people to your wedding based on your wants and priorities. I personally don't think people get an invite to your wedding just because they knew you since you were kids.
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Expert September 2021
Ka-Rina · on June 7, 2021 at 8:13 PM
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If you wouldn’t mind those guests, if there is capacity at the venue, I don’t think it’s a bad idea for you to suggest your parents pay for guests they want invited... they might change their mind though once they realize how much cash they will have to pay for a few extra heads...
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on June 8, 2021 at 12:41 AM
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If they aren't paying for the wedding, they don't get a say in the guest list. Don't have them pay for the extra guests, because that will suggest that they "own" part of this experience. Money comes with many, many strings in most cases. Hold your boundaries. Good luck!
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Devoted May 2022
Amanda · on June 8, 2021 at 10:16 AM
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We had the same situation with my in laws - I told them that we could invite them but someone would have to be cut from the guest list. They ended up cutting four people from their side of the family, which was fine with me and we invited their four friends. It seemed like a decent compromise. I wouldn’t go the “yes but only if you pay for it route.” It’s difficult to calculate costs for catering, bartender, extra table settings....etc. that additional guests would incur and will just lead to a more complicated situation.
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Guest list drama with parents. Any advice?

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