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Kerissa
Savvy August 2022

Guest List Dilemma

Kerissa, on July 13, 2021 at 9:49 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10
Hi ladies
Half in need of practical advice and half venting due to disappointment and stress.
We booked our venue in 2019 in Costa Rica for a 2021 wedding. Two houses, one larger one smaller. Small one for family large one for friends and bridal party. Covid came and people started losing work, etc. we all know the complications of the last year… We got twitchy because we were on the hook for the full cost of the rooms - over 20, for 5 nights each. We canceled the larger house and kept the smaller one because we didn’t want to lose all the money we already put down. The owner was really incredible and understanding. Fast forward to now… this change means we aren’t stressing about over committing financially thankfully, but we are required to significantly reduce our guest list now that we are in the smaller house. We need to be at 45 people or less. Family is outweighing friends at this head count, bridal party is feeling too big now, and we have to break the news to so many people we love that we can’t have them there. I’m definitely in a place of “how do I choose between these people on who should come or who shouldn’t? They are both just as close of friends…” it’s like… the worst way to feel. Not to mention trying to balance how many of the few friends still invited are mutual, mine or my FH’s. At this point I am really wondering if we should trim the guest list right down to family and childhood friends only. FH suggested it might be something to consider, but I have this nagging feeling that the wedding won’t be fun and energetic with so few people. I always wanted a small wedding, and we are fortune to be spending a mini vacation with our nearest and dearest. There is just a big part of me that wants my family to experience the joy all our friends will have about our union. Our family sees us and is excited for us, but they don’t get to see the love and support we have from others as often. AGH. Have you had a small wedding? How did it go? Am I just stuck in anxiety city for no reason? Any suggestions on what to do with the guest list… max out at 45 or trim it right down? I’m in a really bummed out headspace.

10 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on July 14, 2021 at 1:27 PM
  • Sharonda
    Super January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    Is the larger home no longer available? If not, are there any other available lodging options in that area to accommodate everyone? I had a small wedding (went from 250 to 20 — family only — that made it easier). I had the same concerns, but we had a great time with a smaller crowd. Don’t be anxious — people will understand if you have to cut your guest list down and you’ll have a wonderful time with those who are able to come — no matter the number.
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  • C
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    I agree with your husband. Drawing hard lines makes it more understandable for people who are not/uninvited. I’d stick with family and absolute closest friends (5 or so).
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  • Gabby
    Devoted October 2021
    Gabby ·
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    Can people still attend the wedding if they secure their own accommodations?
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  • Kerissa
    Savvy August 2022
    Kerissa ·
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    The wedding is at the house, so many will need to stay offsite anyway. Unfortunately, the head count is being dictated by how many can fit at the house/venue for the event. It’s a small beach town with mostly private home rentals and boutique hotels that cater to smaller weddings. We chose this venue originally because it was going to allow us to have a larger guest count 😞
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  • Kerissa
    Savvy August 2022
    Kerissa ·
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    I wish! The larger home requires buying out all rooms for a minimum of 3 nights instead of just the one. I’m glad to hear you had a great time with the smaller group, that’s what I’m hoping for for us 🙏
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  • Kerissa
    Savvy August 2022
    Kerissa ·
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    It is sounding like the most sensible thing to do despite it being a real bummer. Wedding planning is starting off on a difficult note, that’s for sure.
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  • R
    Dedicated October 2021
    Ruby ·
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    Best to create your list of family and close friends first. Check in with those who will absolutely attend but you may be surprised that not all family and friends will be available to attend given financial restraints due to Covid. From there you’ll have more of an idea if you have more spots to invite others. I have a guest limit at my wedding so I created an A (family and close friends) and B list (friends who I don’t see often, distant family, and co-workers). From my A list about 20 guest are not able to travel to my wedding so I invited 20 friends from my B list. Just a thought, this doesn’t work for everyone since you will have friends or family who will be upset that they weren’t invited.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    Is the larger house unavailable now? Even though you canceled it, I think its worth inquiring if the house is out of the question entirely.

    For some perspective on smaller weddings, especially during these Covid/early-post-Covid times, we had 47 guests at our wedding celebration, which was supposed to be in May 2020 but we weren't able to have a larger event until June 2021 due to Covid. We originally planned to invite just over 80 people and land at around 60-80 people, but we ended up extending our invitations to 90 people to land at 47 guests, so barely half of our guests RSVP'd yes. Our venue was just 20-25 minutes from our house and most guests lived within 1 hour from the venue, with maybe 2 couples more like 2-3 hours away, and exactly five guests who lived more than 3 hours away but less than 7 hours away, all of whom drove. Every guest who would have needed to fly to attend our wedding declined, as did most guests needing to drive 4 hours or more.
    Post Covid, people are more wary of travel, group gatherings, spending money, and taking flights. Parents are more nervous about who they leave their kids with. Its just not as easy to "get up and go" as it was two years ago. I had very few guests on my side show up (they were more geographically dispersed than my husband's friends). It was pretty lonely to have so many people I considered near and dear to me not there to celebrate with, BUT 47 people still ended up being a lot of people to see and greet in one night. Whether or not your 45 guests will feel like enough largely depends on what you want your wedding to be like and who those guests are.

    I was disappointed by how few of our guests danced (probably about half, which is probably typical for weddings, but 10 or fewer couples on the dance floor feels a lot different than 20-30 couples if you have a larger wedding). A number left early (our older parents who didn't want to drive in the dark). A lot of my closest friends weren't there, so it felt more like a local party with all our local friends than a celebration of me or a special event in my life because it was pretty much the same people we always hang out with and very few people went out of there way to see me, even though I've traveled to them and gone to their out-of-state weddings and parties. One of the things I did not anticipate about having a local wedding was that even though it was easy for most of our guests to get to and did not require guests to have the added expense of a hotel, was that we had a far less "captive" audience so there was no after party and only a handful of people spent time with us after the party officially ended to hang out. You won't have that problem if everyone is staying at the house with you in Costa Rica!

    Based on the typical accept/decline rate for weddings, then add in the fact that its a destination (which usually results in more declines) and with Covid (even more declines) you might very well end up with 45 guests even if you slowly extend the invite to your entire original guest list. Obviously you need to narrow down your list and only invite the people you have space for, but as declines come in you can work your way down your extended original list. With this in mind, I would be tempted to send invites and require RSVP's quite early (its typical to do this with destination weddings), or even send them in batches, so you can hopefully include as many as possible who are actually able to and want to come.

    I think you'll find that 45 guests can still feel like a very full, complete event as long as those guests are the right ones. You'll gain more satisfaction out of guests who enjoy and partake in the same activities you do (dancing, for example) and are willing to spend time with you outside of the formalities of your wedding. You'll really appreciate those who come who you consider close but rarely see or spend time with. I would argue that 20 people who are partying with you all night, hyping you up, taking photos, etc and who maybe don't live near you and you see infrequently, will feel more "whole" than having 3-4x that number of people if they're all just "there" and you see most of them regularly in your ordinary life anyway.

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  • Reena
    Expert February 2021
    Reena ·
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    We postponed our wedding from July 2020 to February 2021 due to COVID. We also cut our guest list to immediate family, bridal party/their spouses, and just three close friends/their spouses. We only had 37 guests. Looking back we are grateful for the cut. The wedding was still fun and we got to spend a ton of quality time with our nearest and dearest.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    When is your wedding: 2021 or 2022? I say just embrace the smaller group, your wedding will still be lovely and personal. Just over the weekend, I received my RSVP's for my wedding next month. Overall, we dropped from 170 invited to 100 because the Delta variant is now freaking out those who must air travel and/or have small children or aging parents (& they're all vaccinated). I just had to accept it, and actually had a great time reclaiming 15k in my budget. Don't give yourself unnecessary anxieties because it is still your celebration. As for your worries about what people think about you and your spouse, just don't invite judgmental people into your space.

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