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Just Said Yes May 2023

Guest list dilemma

Nay, on September 27, 2022 at 2:04 AM Posted in Planning 0 11
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My fiancé and I differ greatly on the size that we want for our wedding. He has a large extended family so wants a wedding of 150. I have anxiety standing in front of so many ppl so have always wanted a smaller wedding but would compromise in the middle. Also, it financially doesn’t make sense to me to invite and spend money on all of these ppl that I don’t even know. If he was footing the bill for them, sure. Even if any of his family was chipping in, sure. But this is a FULLY financed wedding at he and i’s expense. We’re in a metro area so pricing per person (food, drink, etc) is running 145 pp. An open bar is a must for him. He’s also adamant that if everyone can’t come then he would rather just go to the courthouse. There wasn’t even a compromise, which seems very unfair to me. Can anyone give advice or input? I need to know if my feelings are valid or if I’m going overboard.

11 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs.evans, on October 2, 2022 at 10:38 PM
  • Michael
    VIP October 2023
    Michael ·
    • Flag

    Your feelings are valid. Some sort of arrangement needs to be made where you are not spending more money that you feel reasonable for the wedding. Your FH also is not playing fairly by cutting off the discussion with a threat of a courthouse marriage. The marriage needs to start with planning that involves some unity of mind here, not manipulations.

    Some people have avoided inviting close cousins so that they don't make the other cousins feel left out. So sometimes you just invite the aunts and uncles. I know there are some cultural exceptions where you have to invite the whole family. It would seem the parents should contribute toward the event in that case.

    But still, you have to be comfortable in ceremony. If he does not consider that aspect, it is difficult to move forward.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
    • Flag
    Before I would proceed with this marriage I would think very carefully about your relationship with him. He sounds at least in this situation extremely manipulative and inconsiderate of your feelings. The fact he isn't even taking a second to consider your feelings is a huge red flag in my opinion. The fact he's trying to force you into something that makes you so uncomfortable makes it even worse. There is no reason he shouldn't be willing to compromise. If you love someone you wouldn't want to make them feel uncomfortable especially that their own wedding.
    • Reply
  • Bailey
    Rockstar October 2023
    Bailey ·
    • Flag

    Of course you're not being overdramatic, that's not fair for him to decide you get 1 extreme or another. 150 people is a lot and very expensive, you're not wrong there. A 75-100 person wedding would be a fantastic compromise, and it would be silly for him to not consider that.

    I would sit him down and explain this, and honestly if he refuses to compromise on such a...simple? thing, I would think deeply about things in the future he may not be willing to compromise on. House choice/cost? Children (y/n)? Guest list for a wedding is a small choice in the grand scheme of things, so how will he be able to handle much larger decisions?

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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    Both of your feelings are valid, since you are both getting married. You two will need to use the wedding planning process as a learning experience. If you can learn to truly work together as a team, compromise, listen to each other, and employ smart financial planning, you will be well set up for a good marriage and bright future. I wish you all the best!

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    I agree with this. Not all relationships are healthy. And not considering a compromise or any communication would have me running the opposite direction. How you hand communication and compromise during wedding planning is a clear indication of how those same things will be handled after you are married. Put planning on hold indefinitely because none of this is healthy or normal.
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  • Orianna
    Devoted December 2022
    Orianna ·
    • Flag

    Your feelings are definitely not invalid. I was in the same place - my fiancé comes from a huge family. Not only does he have a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins but his parents cousins are also very close to the family. We're splitting our wedding between 2 parties since we live on the west coast and I grew up east coast and even then, I still only wanted a small wedding - 75 people MAX.

    We ended up inviting 104 and will probably have between 85 and 90 people there. For me, I felt the same as you - I don't like being the center of attention and having all those people stare at me? Hard pass. When we mentioned this to his parents, my MIL's first reaction was "that is legit not possible." So I asked to to make her list and see how close to 35-40 people she could get.

    Not close. Her list was 57 and that was before my fiancé added his group of friends. BUT she severely cut the list. Most of his cousins are not invited. NONE of hers are (or his father's). She really made an effort to cut it off at a certain generation for each side of the family and only pick the family members that she knew my fiancé would truly care about. And in the end, I was okay with a slightly larger wedding, knowing it was only people we truly wanted there.

    I would sit down with him and talk about doing this. Large families understand that sometimes, not everyone can be invited. Weddings are expensive! And it's not unreasonable to ask to cut down the list - as I'm sure you'll be willing to trim your list as well. If he's not willing to even discuss it - then maybe it's time to reevaluate the whole situation. Marriage is about compromise - on both ends - and this is only going to be the first of many.

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  • Michael
    VIP October 2023
    Michael ·
    • Flag

    One thought that came to mind is to do invitations to aunts and uncles as sort of a plus one arrangement. Maybe just saying this is an invitation to two of this family or household. so, for example, the aunt may be your mom's sister and has more interest in going. If the uncle does not want to go, a cousin could go instead.

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  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    So I think you need to finalize the guest list before you figure out the type of wedding you have. There are a million ways to have 150 ppl for way less than 145pp. Your FI is obviously being unreasonable with his all or nothing demand - it makes no sense that he'd cut out EVERYONE instead of narrowing down to nearest/dearest.

    • Reply
  • Shannon
    Expert July 2022
    Shannon ·
    • Flag
    If your fiancé isn’t wiling to compromise, this is concerning. Is he going to help you plan the wedding? There is much to do and it’s a large undertaking. He should not be able to dictate especially if he expects you to do everything.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar August 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    Does he have a pattern of proposing ultimatums? Putting his family over you? If so, these power-dynamics and other problems before the wedding will extend into your marriage.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.evans
    Rockstar October 2022
    Mrs.evans ·
    • Flag
    There should be some compromise and meet in the middle line invite the must must have ppl besides the immediate family and since he does come from a large family each of you agree on having either 25 or 50 ppl each. So that he can have his open bar and both parties are happy. Bc trust me that's what we were trying to do but it was the plus ones that done us in. So our seat chart is done already. I hope that you both can calm quite and come an agreement. Happy planning
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