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Savvy October 2019

Guest List Dilemma

Katherine, on July 17, 2019 at 7:05 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18

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Hey ladies! So I’m looking for an unbiased, outsiders perspective on something. My bridal shower was this past weekend (OMG IT WAS AMAZING BTW 🤗) and my mom posted some pictures from it on Facebook afterwards. She was having a proud mom moment. My one cousin saw the photos, so she texts our aunt to ask why she wasn’t invited and tells her that I am on her guest list for her wedding next year. The truth is, this cousin wasn’t on my final guest list. When scaling down our list, I had to make some tough choices.

Now some back story. This cousin was adopted into our family when I was in middle school. We used to be close when we were in middle school and then started to grow apart in high school. Once I moved away after high school, the gist of our relationship was saying “hi, how have you been?” at our family Christmas Eve party. Other than that, it’s just the occasional “like” on Facebook posts.

I feel bad because it sounds like she is feeling hurt, but I feel like I need to stay firm on my decision even if that means she removes me from her guest list. My question is, how do I handle this conversation with her? Do you think it will end up ending the little bit of relationship that we have left? Am I being too harsh? I am sooo not a confrontational person, but I do like to stick to my guns. Help!

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Agarb, on March 2, 2020 at 4:48 PM

VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 17, 2019 at 7:09 PM
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So your aunt didn't know and/or lied to the cousin about being on the guest list?
If nobody asked you directly I wouldn't bring it up.
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Savvy October 2019
Katherine · on July 17, 2019 at 7:20 PM
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My aunt told my cousin that the venue for the bridal shower could only hold so many people, which was a lie, and that’s why she didn’t get an invite. So I think my cousin is holding out hope for an invite now... I am just now hearing about this after the fact and did not ask my aunt to lie about this. I wish she would have either just told the truth that she wasn’t on the guest list (bridal shower or wedding) or told my cousin to talk to me instead of lying about it. So now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. My cousin hasn’t said anything to me about it since she texted my aunt this morning, but I think she will say something
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Master May 2021
Cristy · on July 17, 2019 at 7:23 PM
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Just tell her the truth. You can only afford to host so many people, and unfortunately, you had to make some tough cuts. Then maybe you suggest a get together to catch up after the wedding.
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Savvy October 2019
Katherine · on July 17, 2019 at 7:24 PM
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That’s a good idea Cristy! Thanks!
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 17, 2019 at 7:28 PM
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When she asks do what Cristy said.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on July 17, 2019 at 7:31 PM
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As someone who was adopted as an older child, I just really hope you didn't invite her non-adopted siblings or other cousins. Was she the only cousin not invited? If so, I can definitely understand her hurt.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 17, 2019 at 7:36 PM
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Do you have other cousins who were invited? If so, that would be extremely rude and hurtful. If not, I wouldn’t approach her about the subject until she comes to you. At that point, I would just say “I’m sorry, due to budget and venue constraints, we had to keep the guest list to close friends and family only. We would love to celebrate with you over dinner or drinks after the wedding.”
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VIP June 2019
Formerbride · on July 17, 2019 at 7:36 PM
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I was thinking this. If she is the only cousin not invited, I think you should invite her. Otherwise, the truth always works best in my opinion. Good luck!
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Savvy October 2019
Katherine · on July 17, 2019 at 7:43 PM
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She was not the only cousin not invited, so it wasn’t because of that. I have a handful of cousins who I did not invite, as I have a large family. I appreciate your perspective though!
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Devoted May 2021
Melissa · on July 17, 2019 at 9:27 PM
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It’s a tough situation to be in but stay firm with your decision. My FHs family is huge and we did not invite any of his family.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on July 17, 2019 at 10:14 PM
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I agree, this is a toughie. As PPs said, explain to your cousin that you had to make difficult decisions to keep costs down. And offer to meet up with her sometime before or after the wedding!
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Champion November 2016
LB · on July 18, 2019 at 9:36 AM
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Right? I'm adopted as well, and it rubbed me wrong when OP brought it up. I don't see why it would relate to the story unless it has to do with why OP didn't invite her
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Savvy October 2019
Katherine · on July 18, 2019 at 11:56 AM
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I brought it up to reiterate that our relationship was only close for about two years after we first met before we started to grow apart, as opposed to having years of a close relationship. Her being adopted into the family is not the reason why I chose to not invite her. When we began to grow apart in high school, I would regularly reach out to her with no response. I chose to not invite her because after we grew apart, she didn’t just grow a part from me. She grew a part from our entire family. The only time she talks to us now is if she needs money. Like I said, I have other cousins from the same side of the family who I did not invite because I have such a large family with many cousins and limited space at our venue. Thank you for your input though. I will be more considerate with my choice of words next time.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on July 18, 2019 at 12:03 PM
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Thank you for the clarification That makes sense.
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Super October 2019
Cassi · on July 18, 2019 at 4:37 PM
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Honestly I see the posts saying don't say anything until she brings it up... I disagree.. I would end it here honestly. You don't want the poor girl holding out for an invitation.. I would reach out and say something along these lines "Hey (insert name), your mom had mentioned you were upset you didn't get an invite to the shower. I'm sorry we just had to make some tough choices with the wedding and realistically what we could afford. We ended up going with immediate/close family and friends only, so I apologize if this hurt your feelings. I would love to get together before or after the wedding though to catch up." Maybe change the wording based on how she would reciprocate the news but i would try and be upfront with her from the get go so shes not holding out for an invite. That is just my personal opinion though. Sorry you are dealing with this though! hugs!
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Savvy April 2020
Rachel · on July 19, 2019 at 12:04 AM
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If you have limited space then there is your reason. I would just be honest with her about it. I had to cut almost half of my list because of the venue we chose. I'm fine with it now but I have had some hurt feelings. Once I explained the situation everyone was ok. I would just say be open and honest about it. She will either understand or not. Stick to your guns! I am sorry you are having to deal with this though. Good luck!
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Savvy April 2020
Rachel · on February 24, 2020 at 1:47 PM
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Stick to your guns!!!
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Savvy November 2020
Agarb · on March 2, 2020 at 4:48 PM
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This is tough.... I can't help but immediately feel for her. I can't imagine the feelings of being an outsider she may already have in the family dynamic. I would invite her, if she reached out to her mom that she was feeling left out I think you should include her.
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