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Devoted December 2019

Guest list dilemma

Heather, on July 4, 2019 at 2:09 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11

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So I recently found out from my future mother in law of several people on my fiancé’s side of the family that he chose not to invite, my thought was no big deal since he’s not close to any of them at all, however his sister is getting married in October, us December, and she has invited those family members, I don’t want to upset anyone at her wedding but if the subject comes up I don’t know what to say? We aren’t going to change our minds since we are already at our venues capacity with the list we have but I just want a way to explain to them if they mention it. I’ve never met these family members and that’s why I didn’t even know my fiancé didn’t add them. Just wanted to see if anyone had any advice on this subject. Oh and just to add a little bit of clarification ahead of time, we were engaged, had our date and venue before her, and didn’t know her plans until after we sent the save the dates.

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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on July 4, 2019 at 2:17 AM
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If it really comes up outright, tell the truth. The venue is at max capacity and we are having a very intimate wedding. Some people may just ask you both how the planning is going.. you can simply say it's fine or moving along then change the subject, excuse yourself, etc. People will always find a way to feel offended by these situations but that's on them in this case, not you. Neither of you are obligated to invite anyone you don't feel is necessary just because his sister did.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on July 4, 2019 at 3:15 AM
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I agree with PP. There's not much you can do if your chosen venue can't accommodate anyway
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on July 4, 2019 at 8:39 AM
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I think if the question comes up you should defer to him. It IS his family, even if he doesn't claim them.

With that said, if he's nowhere in sight "I'm sorry. This seems to be something that you and he should talk about later." If there's insistence they be invited "I'm sorry, we are at capacity. The list has been finalized. There is nothing that can be done." And walk away.

But, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Chances are the people not invited to yours but FSIL will keep some distance. Or FH will...
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VIP March 2019
Yoice · on July 4, 2019 at 8:51 AM
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I think venue is at capacity is a great excuse and happens to be the truth! You can also add you wanted a more small intimate wedding.
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Devoted December 2019
Heather · on July 4, 2019 at 11:09 AM
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Thanks all of you, I feel a lot better about the situation now I just felt guilty even though I had no reason to be
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Devoted December 2019
Heather · on July 4, 2019 at 11:10 AM
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Thank you so much, I’m usually not so great with figuring out the right things to say and you gave me so very clear and easy things to say if the situation comes up
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on July 4, 2019 at 11:14 AM
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Welcome. Full of those type of thing Bc I am the bouncer at things lol!
Although I’ve “hired” a friend to be a bouncer at mine- you get stoopid you get gone! Don’t care who ya are!
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 4, 2019 at 10:31 PM
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I have 8 brothers and sisters. How many and which relatives we each invited varied greatly, since the total # of guests ranged from 80 to 350. And some of us have lots of friends, others few friends but hang out with cousins. And some of us married people with no family, while my husband has 13 brothers and sisters and a huge extended family (175 guests )
The fact that some of us I vited more extended family than others did not seem to cause any comment. And people know, who is really close to which relatives, but barely knows others. Hope they act like adults, make no apologies, and invite the people you want and can afford, given all the variables you and FI must take into consideration.
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Dedicated June 2021
User2574599655703 · on July 6, 2019 at 2:52 PM
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Blame the venue.
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Devoted December 2019
Heather · on July 6, 2019 at 10:46 PM
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I’ve gotten a lot of great and helpful responses, I wish I could just blame the venue but it actually does accommodate a lot of people, we just created the list and sent the save the dates without even thinking of these people (not close at all) so we are at our max 175 with everyone we chose but we won’t have our rsvps back until after her wedding, it may not be small and intimate but it is filled with all of the people closest to us and you are all right, there is no need to feel guilty or try to fit them in just because his sister is.
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VIP September 2019
· on July 6, 2019 at 11:09 PM
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I had a situation with this issue. My ffil died in January. My FH is not close to that side of the family and he did not plan to invite any of his fathers relatives to our wedding in September. At the memorial service several of his Fathers cousins made it blatantly obvious they were pissed. His fathers one cousin even said "crazy you have to go to a funeral to learn about an engagement. So when is the wedding"? Awkward. If course FH was no where around any of these encounters. I just kind of smiled and minimized as much information and conversations as possible. Then slowly felt like an a hole. He said I don't care about them. They're not invited. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️. I think your response we want close family and friends or limited capacity would be best.
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Guest list dilemma

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