Guest list and fmil issues

I would have you FH deal with her. It's his family causing the issues, so he's the one who needs to handle it. Our venue only accommodates 100 so we gave my parents 25 guests, his mom 25 guests, and we have 50. It any of the parental lists don't use all 25 assigned seats then we use them, but they become our guests not the other side's parents. This is not flexible and we are not compromising on it. My mother has been the demanding one (wanting to invite people because she wants to show off!) and I told her that was not what we wanted. We set very strict invitation guidelines and we're sticking to them!

Good Luck!!

Guest list Help:

Ok, you and your FH, his parents and yours( together or separately) all need to make the “A LIST”, “B LIST”, & “C LIST”.

“A LIST”= the people you cannot imagine your day without. These commonly include: Parents, Grandparents, Siblings, Aunts & Uncles...

”B LIST”= the people you want there to share the day, but won’t be heartbroken if they aren’t there. These include: Best Friend, Co-workers( close), Cousins/Second Cousins, Neighbors....

”C LIST”= the people that you’d like there if there’s space, and money, to include them. These include: Co-workers/boss, Friends that don’t fall into “A & B”, People you feel obligated to invite....

Once you all have made the lists it’s time to sit down together and look over them.

The names that are on all/several of your lists, like You & Your Parents have Grandma Jane, go into the “A LIST”. Then it is time to look at who has people that you feel matter.

Have a “MASTER LIST” and add the names that are duplicated first, then add the “B LIST” names and so on, until you reach the guest limit/no more names.

Also, you need to figure out if it’s an adults only, 16+ type or are children welcome? Then you need to factor in Plus Ones. And of kids are welcome than you need to add all of the kids who are eating solid food...

Good luck! Hope this helps!

The part of together or separately after parents is that a lot of times it makes sense to have each parent do a list vs them do a combined list.

As with my FH, since we are both older adults( 40 me, 52 him) his mom doesn’t really get that huge a say, but we will take into account some of the people she wants.

FH is a high end lawyer so there will be former clients and other attorneys as well as judges and political people there( sigh! 200+)- But most of those fall into the “C LIST”( at least where I am hoping they do lol!)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would say, if you are able to, pay for the wedding yourselves; even if that means moving your date back so you can have time to save and pay for it. That way, no one can tell you what to do or force you to invite people you don't know, or don't want to invite. Planning your wedding is supposed to be one of the best times of your life. There is stress that comes with it, but you shouldn't have to deal with this type of stress. I wish you the best of luck!

My parents are primarily paying for my wedding so I allowed them to invite whoever they want. Our guest list is at 250, the majority being my parents friends.

You can't have an intimate wedding with your parents money because they will want to invite who they want to and they should because they are paying.

Your options are to have your parents pay and have their guests come along with yours, or have an intimate wedding that you pay for and can control the guest list.

Try and sit back, relax, and don't let your FMIL ruin this fun planning experience for you!

A lot of times in this situation the over-controlling family member feels that they have the final say so because they are holding the check book. This is simply not true, BUT I know you also don't want to have a rocky start with your FMIL so here's what I would consider:

1. If you're 100% set on a small affair, your FH definitely NEEDS to be a part of these conversations and stand up to her firmly that for the wedding they can choose 30 people to be invited in no uncertain terms. If it will make her feel better, invite her top 30, and if she only gets 25 that say yes, invite her next top 5. You and your FH stand together on this!

2. Great - she has a lot of family and a lot of friends! Since she's willing/able to pay for a larger party and clearly wants to show off her amazing son and FDL, why not let her throw an over the top bridal/couples shower? This will not only give her a chance to feel important but will also keep her busy and might give you guys some breathing room to plan the actual wedding

3. Really consider if it's the guest list/size of the ceremony that's the issue. Why not let her invite all of her friends (and let your parent's invite all of their guests) and have the blowout wedding of the decade? I have a feeling it's deeper than that and she's trying to control other aspects, she ultimately just wants to be heard....when she comes to you with an idea say "wow that's beautiful, I'll definitely consider that" and then pick whatever you want/feels best. If she comes in with a negative comment, ask her what she would do instead, and then repeat "wow that's beautiful, I'll definitely consider that"

My MIL only has two sons, so for her I was the daughter-getting-married she never had...which resulted in her sending what felt like thousands of suggestions, pictures, etc. She was honestly just excited for the experience. Try and keep positive and know at the end of the day, you and your HUSBAND will have an amazing wedding day.