Guest List - ahhhhh!

I think that’s very reasonable unless they live far away or some other extenuating circumstances. We didn’t invite anyone we hadn’t seen or been in contact with in the last year.

That’s how we did decided on our guest list! It’s super reasonable and makes it sooo much easier.


We did have a few extra spots available so FH decided to invite his groomsmen’s parents that he has known since he was little!

View Quoted Comment Yes, I have a lot of family members that live out of state. We are in California - I have family members all the way in Texas, Mississippi, Arkansas, Florida, and some in states that are closer as well.
Most of those family members haven’t met my FH because of how far away they live.
But they are all my parents siblings’ and I just feel like my parents would be hurt (and my aunts and uncles too) not receiving invites.....I think of all of them, the relatives in Texas are the ones I am definitely sure I am inviting because even though they live far away and haven’t met my FH they still make efforts/send gifts/cards and call when they can! They even sent me a graduation gift last year!

If that doesn't cut it down enough, we started with the "each person gets X" people. For myself, my partner, and then each side. There was some horse trading and some later issues I'm dealing with, but it helped kick it off.

I think if you are in contact with the family members and YOU would be disappointed if they weren't there, then invite them. But, if you think you'd barely talk to them and would only invite them to spare their or your parents feelings, then they shouldn't be invited. I'm having a small wedding and not even inviting my dad's sister and her family who live near me because we aren't that close. It doesn't matter of they're blood related, your wedding isn't a family reunion. If they really cared about you they'd understand.

I agree that them not meeting your FH is reasonable, especially since you’ve been together for 5 years. My parents also suggested a B list when I went over my guest list with them. Something you could possibly consider?

We’re looking to stick to 50-75 at the reception, so we have a “must have” list and a “nice to have” list. I’m hoping most of our “must haves” will be able to make it, but would love to have the “nice” list as numbers allow!

I agree with not inviting anyone you haven't really been talking to or hanging with in the last year or two. Keep the list current.

Our list was broken down into 25 for each set of parents and 50 for us. The guidelines I imposed on those invites were:

1. If We (the couple) haven't spoken to them in more than five years, not invited

2. If one half of the couple has never met them (we've been together ten years), not invited

3. Under 18, not invited

4. If they are known to cause drama, not invited

It's helped tremendously!

I’m laughing because to me this was the most stressful part thus far .. I thought this was the easy part!!! 🤣🤣😫😫😫

Guest list Help:

Ok, you and your FH, his parents and yours( together or separately) all need to make the “A LIST”, “B LIST”, & “C LIST”.

“A LIST”= the people you cannot imagine your day without. These commonly include: Parents, Grandparents, Siblings, Aunts & Uncles...

”B LIST”= the people you want there to share the day, but won’t be heartbroken if they aren’t there. These include: Best Friend, Co-workers( close), Cousins/Second Cousins, Neighbors....

”C LIST”= the people that you’d like there if there’s space, and money, to include them. These include: Co-workers/boss, Friends that don’t fall into “A & B”, People you feel obligated to invite....

Once you all have made the lists it’s time to sit down together and look over them.

The names that are on all/several of your lists, like You & Your Parents have Grandma Jane, go into the “A LIST”. Then it is time to look at who has people that you feel matter.

Have a “MASTER LIST” and add the names that are duplicated first, then add the “B LIST” names and so on, until you reach the guest limit/no more names.

Also, you need to figure out if it’s an adults only, 16+ type or are children welcome? Then you need to factor in Plus Ones. And of kids are welcome than you need to add all of the kids who are eating solid food...

Good luck! Hope this helps!

The part of together or separately after parents is that a lot of times it makes sense to have each parent do a list vs them do a combined list.

As with my FH, since we are both older adults( 40 me, 52 him) his mom doesn’t really get that huge a say, but we will take into account some of the people she wants.

FH is a high end lawyer so there will be former clients and other attorneys as well as judges and political people there( sigh! 200+)- But most of those fall into the “C LIST”( at least where I am hoping they do lol!)

I know how you feel. Originally my FH and I wanted to keep our wedding under 100. We ended up with a number of 150 and are expecting at least 125 to show. We did use a rule, however, of if we have not spoken to them or hung out with them within the 6 months to a year that we would not invite them. I would 100% say that if they have not met your FH, you should not invite them. You have been together for 5 years, so if they haven't met him by now, I personally wouldn't invite him to the wedding.

I too have a big family, the way I cut my list down was based on how well I know them. My family that live out of state, Washington and Texas, I am not close with. I have met them and was close to them as a kid but have not seen or spent time with them in many years. I was able to cut about 15-20 people off by doing that. There was only one family I kept on our guest list because it caused such a huge issue between me and my mom. Hope this helps!

View Quoted Comment Yes that’s very similar to my situation. My family back in Mississippi - I haven’t seen them since my sisters wedding and then my uncles wedding about 13 years ago. I used to get birthday cards/gifts/phone calls from them every year, but now it’s pretty much just a message on FB! I just worry that my dad will be upset if I don’t invite him. I would be sad to not invite them, but inviting them would mean other people/friends I am closer to would have to be cut.

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I would maybe really sort out how you would feel not inviting them vs not inviting other people/friends. Decide which one makes you feel the most upset, if that makes sense. If I decided not inviting the other people/friends made me more sad then I would sit down with my dad and tell him how I felt and then ask him how he would feel if you didn't invite them.

View Quoted Comment My FH parents are paying for the catering and we already told them and the caterer that we planned to keep the guest list around or under 100. At the time, I thought it would be easy!
We are trying to keep that rule in place that if they haven’t met one of us, don’t include them BUT there are certain family members that we are excepting to that rule (like FH godparents, he hasn’t seen them in a number of years, but wants to extend an invite; we both have an aunt and uncle that haven’t met the other one of us, but we want to invite them).
I think I am also having flashbacks to my sisters wedding where she was practically disowned for a number of years because of things that went on with her wedding 😞

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I completely understand, and that does get challenging. Have you both tried sitting down and writing out your "must-have" family members? From there, maybe try filling in the rest of your guests? Do you know the chances of those who you really want to invite actually coming to the wedding? I'm only asking b/c my FH and I sent our invites to everyone we wanted to invite knowing some of them would be unable to come b/c they lived too far away or we knew they couldn't make the trip, but we wanted to invite them anyway.

Having a general policy of guests knowing both of you (or at least met both!) is great! - then you can work out some of the exceptions who might have different circumstances.

Our initial thought process was this:

- we realize NOT everyone can come, if we invite 150, about 110 (75%) will RSVP yes

- we "gave" my family 50, my husband's family 50, and my husband + me 50

- My dad struggled a lot with this feeling "fair", considering his family has 8 people and my mom's is over 60! Ultimately this was a good tool to let the parents give some opinion (and feel included) with us having the final say

- we went for a kid-free wedding and limited our plus ones to those who are either married or in a serious relationship where we know both people

- if you're worried about too many people, break down your list into 1st and 2nd rounds! Only invite 100 for round 1, then based on the Yes/No, you can send out additional invites if needed just be sure to do this with enough notice for guests

You sound like you're on the right track happy planning!

I had a good friend tell me that someone told her when she was landing her wedding...”who do you want to see when you walk down the aisle?” This helped me quite a bit but I am still struggling myself. Good luck!