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Just Said Yes October 2022

Guest asked for +1… politely declined… guest asked to then pay for +1!?

Carly, on May 2, 2022 at 7:09 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 8

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So… due to having a big family (dad is one of 9), my side of the guest list was always going to be greater than my fiancés… I have a close relationship with many of my cousins but not all of them, but it was a case of we either invited ALL the cousins or NONE AT ALL (to avoid drama)… so at an additional crazy cost, we invited cousins & SOs. (About 18 cousins, totalling 96 guests in total)

I have received an awkward message from an aunt asking if one of my cousins (her son) has a +1 as he ‘is kind of living with his partner’. A partner who we had been told he was on/off with, who wasn’t pleasant & who last time I seen them, he wasn’t with.
I apologised & said no, mainly due to the crazy level of guests but also, we are already $$$ over budget, but she can come literally as soon as the meal is over from 6pm for the evening.
I’ve now received a follow up response asking if the aunt can pay for her sons (my cousin) +1. We’ve had our guest list pretty much planned in for over a year & we’ve realised just how big of a wedding it is going to be, as well as costing more than expected. This is the second member of the family who has asked to pay for a +1 like it’s buying tickets to a gig & I said no to the first family member who asked last year.
Am I being unreasonable? Mainly due to the fact that I’ve never met his partner, I barely even talk to this cousin anyways (unless at a family event once every few year) & they’ve been on/off again so much that none of the family even know who she is. We really are stretched & have I’m already stressed out with 96 guests never mind any more! Plus i feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward position by being asked a second time in 3 days….

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Lucy, on May 3, 2022 at 3:51 AM

VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on May 2, 2022 at 7:26 PM
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You're not unreasonable. You control the guest list and it's rude if them to offer this. If anyone else asks, don't give a reason like space or budget or else they will try to "solve the problem" like this. Just say no and make sure your event staff don't let in any crashers.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on May 2, 2022 at 8:05 PM
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Put your foot down and maintain boundaries. Keep saying no and hang up the phone or walk away. It’s not a guest’s place to invite other people whom the hosts have not invited. Don’t offer information beyond that because people will try to problem solve: paying for the extra guests and similar. Hire security if you need to to prevent crashers. Some venues require that you do.

If everyone wants to get together, they can start a tradition of a family reunion picnic at another time at a local park that everyone contributes to and it isn’t on your dime.

Is it common practice in your family/social circle to have tiered guests? Where one group attends the ceremony and dinner and another group attends the dance portion only? In some social circles that is seen as a faux pas.
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Super May 2022
Erin · on May 2, 2022 at 8:12 PM
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Nope. Not being unreasonable. I’ve had this happen to me once already and I told them no. People think they’re being kind by offering to pay, but it’s rude anyhow - a sense of entitlement that they should be able to determine your guest list even though it’s your wedding.
Even if you were to accept payment for extra guests, think about how messy that could be. How would one determine what the per guest cost really is? The dinner and drinks is obvious, but then do you factor in cake a calculate per slice? A piece of the flower cost? DJ cost? No way LOL. You’re not wrong to just simply tell them “no”. And something I’ve read from a lot of ladies on here that I now agree with: Explanation needed? Nope. Just “No.” or “Sorry, no.” is enough.
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Super July 2022
Shannon · on May 2, 2022 at 8:57 PM
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A simple reply like, “Our guest list is at full capacity.”
would be appropriate.
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Devoted April 2023
Lucy · on May 3, 2022 at 12:41 AM
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Explain your aunt that it's not only about money but also the max capacity allowed by the venue. At the end of the day, aunt doesn't get to decide who getw a +1 and not even her son. You inviting the cousins you're not close with, in order to avoid drama, is more than enough.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on May 3, 2022 at 1:08 AM
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You're not getting married until October, and what if they are still together then? Sounds like the cousin is in a relationship, and then should be invited with their partner, to all of it. If they stay together and you've not invited them, there will be awkward family events in the future.
"Tiering" people, ie admitting some people later is OK in some cultures, so that would depend on where you're from
Having said all of that, when you say "no", stop giving excuses such as money. The people you're saying no to will try and find a solution so they get their way. If you just say "sorry we can't accommodate that", then there's no room for negotiation.
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Just Said Yes October 2022
Carly · on May 3, 2022 at 2:30 AM
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I’m sorting of wishing I had asked on here BEFORE I sent the first reply saying no… as on reflection, giving reasons why no, has came back to bite me in the bum lol. So now I’m at the point where if I follow up/reply that we’re at capacity… I’m probably going to get yet another response to ‘solve’ that issue too. Kicking myself for not just replying with ‘no sorry’ & pretty much just that the first time round lol doh!
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Devoted April 2023
Lucy · on May 3, 2022 at 3:51 AM
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Sure: chances are they are going to suggest solutions but you're NOT obligated to 'solve' anything.
Firmly remind whose wedding it is. Respectfully, sure... but sfirmly.
And you could even tell what you posted "Mainly due to the fact that I’ve never met his partner, I barely even talk to this cousin anyways (unless at a family event once every few year)": this is a valid reason.
We were also asked by some family whether they could bring X,Y or Z, we said "no, we are at capacity" we added that "we don't want people that neither of us know, other than spouses and SERIOUS partners of our guests" since it doesn't sound like it's a serious relationship and sounds like auntie is lying in order to get her way.
If they decline over this, it will tell how much they care about you and it will be their loss, not yours since the wedding will happen, with or without them in attendance 😀.
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