Guess i lost a bridesmaid?? What do you think?

I would try to mend things being you’ve been friends for 12 years, but maybe she can just attend your wedding as a guest? It seems that being in the wedding is a little too much for her

I mean if you know that she has mental health issues it’s kind of hard to want to push someone to do things that is not really in their state of mind. But with that being said I completely understand what you’re saying because you want some form of support from them even if it’s small

Hmmmm I mean mental health is important but at the same time I get how you feel that you need to do for her and she cannot show a little for you. I would say you two should talk this out because friendship is more important and should remain before and after a wedding. The wedding is one day but friendship is forever. I would say that maybe you can nicely explain how you feel when she come to your events and let her explain her side. I would just ask her would she feel more comfortable being a guest?? I think that the important thing is remaining friends even if that means her not being in the wedding party and while it'll hurt you should understand that too.

Honestly it sounds like she has shown you who she is throughout your whole friendship and yet you expected her to change just because you are getting married. So yeah, your expectations are at fault here. Only you can decide if the friendship that she is able to offer you is enough for you. It's ok to decide it's not, but be realistic and put away the idea of a fantasy friendship you have created in your mind.

I would definitely talk to her, but I also lost a nearly 13 year friendship during my wedding planning process so I understand what you are going through. Sometimes friendships end which is unfortunate, but if you can work it that's great. Unfortunately for me there was no working things out with the girl I used to be friends with. She lied to me and spread horrible rumors about my husband which in my mind was unforgivable.

I think this is very unfortunate. She either has terrible anxiety that she is receiving the proper care/treatment for or as you said does not care or put in the effort as you do. I get being anxious about large social gatherings but the luncheon and dress fitting was likely a small group of you that she should have been able to try to get to.

It's really hard to let such a long lasting friendship go but you need to do what is best for you. You deserve someone who puts in the efforts as you do. Weddings really bring out the true friends/those who are there for you.

I'm so sorry, this is really tough thing to handle when you're trying to plan everything else at the same time. You've got enough things to think about and a friend should be helping you and not adding to it, especially a bridesmaid. It is really hard to understand someone's resistance when you have been at everything she has asked you to and supported her at moments in her life. It makes me sad that a close friend would put all her wants and needs above trying to support you during this exciting time. Even though social events may be very difficult for her, she could have approached you and confided in you about what to maybe not expect from her being a bridesmaid, if that was possible, or even told you she thought being a bridesmaid would not be the healthiest thing for her. I think you can mend this and maybe talk to her about how you feel while being sensitive to her health. I think expressing that you wanted her to stand by your side and that you were excited to share this moment with her might help. It's an honor to be a part of someone's wedding and not everyone has that view, but maybe she would understand more of where you are coming from, especially if she means a lot to you. Just some thoughts!

Honestly I'd try to mend it. I suffer from depression and anxiety so I understand how she's feeling. I had so much anxiety about trying on wedding dresses (also because I'm on the heavier side). I don't think she's being flaky I just think she doesn't know how to tell you when a situation makes her uncomfortable. Just talk to her and maybe you can fix it. I understand you wanting her support but sometimes mental health issues makes it hard for people especially the socialization aspect.

It sounds to me as though she has always felt you to be a personal friend, and you have acted like one. The mistake has been in assuming that because you like each other 1:1, she wants to do group things, be friends with your friends, something she shows no likelihood of ever having wanted, given her social anxiety. Talk with her, or write her a note. Say that you still consider her a personal friend. But that you realize that though you meant it as an honor when you asked her to be in the wedding, you never though about the fact that all the group things would be torture for her. Then let her off the hook. Say that if she wants to get the dress on wedding day, and stand up with the group but nothing more, you will be happy to have her. But if she would rather skip it, and one night just go out the two of you as friends, no group stuff, all you really want is to be personal friends. ... Knowing her history, why did you expect someone who always quacked like a duck to want to join the dogs in their den? Forget that.

I'm sorry your friend is doing this to you. I do think you should try to talk to her because you've been friends for so long and it seems like she's really important to you. (Ideally at some point you'd be able to talk her into therapy because she's clearly not okay, but that doesn't need to happen during your engagement.) I don't think you should expect her to be in your wedding. Not because she shouldn't be able to do this for you, she absolutely should. I just think going back and forth with her on everything will take away more from your planning and from your day than it would add.

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This is really great advice and I will definitely message her with something along those lines, I do want to add though that I know she is capable of doing these things. She is a NICU nurse, has a full time job, and has gone out with other friends and gone on trips before. Its not like its something she can't do.

View Quoted Comment Many very shy or anxious people learn to role play very well. The key to behaving in this situation is: nurse, part time mechanic , fabulous cook. Who is able to extend just minutes past role to the personal, then retreat. Til over time, she/ he becomes desensitized to the situation. Does it a little longer, or adds a new person or dimension over time, and becoming good at it brings it's own new roles. Advising someone else, demonstrating. With no personal risk. But in a free floating anxiety produced by a crowd of 3, not a crowd to anyone else, the thought alone, a week or a day in advance, sends that person burrowing in to the familiar for comfort, then unable to pull out. ... Until recent years, being a BM or MOH was an honor most shy people could get through. Volunteer to do something like address invitations, or cook for a shower, and show an hour before the wedding, or earlier for pre wedding photos in set groups. Nothing " social" if you prefer to shrink in to the kitchen or back study. Much praised for being the helpful working behind the scenes. Now, so many bride's expect participation in a group communication chain, meetings, rah rah get to know the WP social things, spa days, group shopping, more showers in venues, more larger than 20 people, and where 20 years ago Bach parties were rare for women ( bridal luncheon, or brideaid evening , if no shower,) then many years or a single dinner and drinks. Now, often mini vacations. Socially, extremely demanding, in a limited time period, and every get together has unfamiliar content ( shopping, planning, strip club?) That being functional in a known job, or hobby, does not prepare one for. Maybe she hoped, I can do this. And has failed in the first 5 things she committed to do. Now not just anxious, but a 4 time failure. Life is harder for some people, in basic social interactions. 🙂 Just preserve your friendship. You know, she might never even have tried, for anyone else.

I guess that's the dilemma you have to consider, on whether you think her actions now are significant enough to damage the relationship.
One of my bridesmaids has schizophrenia. I've been friends with her since high school, and she was diagnosed later in adulthood. She didn't tell any of her friends for years - and we just thought she was "flaky" or not reliable. She did finally start talking to us one at a time, once she was able to really discuss how the disease was affecting her. It made me adjust my expectations of her, but also honestly it has adjusted how I judge others. They may not be able to tell you their struggles yet.
She isn't going to be able to come to my wedding at this point, but it's 100% perfectly fine with me. She supports me, and understanding why she can't come is me supporting her. Best of luck.

I agree with PPs that you should try to mend things. You need to accept your friend for who she is and will need to adjust your expectations of her in light of her behavioural patterns.

I personally if I were in her situation would seek help for the anxiety because it seems to be stopping her from doing everyday things. But, that is something only she can attend to and you can't force on her.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but...

An anxiety disorder is not a get out of jail free card for unreliable and flaky behavior. If one has a health issue, particularly a mental health issue, that interferes with one's daily life and impacts one's relationship with others, one has a responsibility to seek treatment for and manage that. "That's just how I am, deal with it" is not a healthy response to this type of issue. Not to the person with the disorder, not to OP, not to the BMs, not to the other people in the person's life.

Your friend does not have an obligation to do things that make her uncomfortable, but she does have an obligation to be up-front with you about what she can and cannot do and ensure that her anxiety is well-managed.

I would never drop someone from my life because they had an anxiety disorder. But if they had a stubborn refusal to even attempt to manage that to the point where it was significantly interfering with our friendship...then I might consider it.

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Yes, I agree. As someone with severe anxiety disorder, I would not jeopardize a friend’s wedding (or life) to cater to my needs. While she may have an excuse for some of this behavior during your friendship, it sounds like you have a very one sided friendship and she is using this as an excuse. This is your wedding, and she needs to be upfront about what she can realistically do and honor her commitments. Mental health does not excuse poor manners. You’ve been more than understanding. Give it time, but don’t chase her. You’re not in the wrong here.

So my life long best friend and I parted ways right when I got engaged.. Sometimes big moments bring out the worst or the best in people. Very similar situation.. She suffers from a lot of mental health stuff (which I had always been supportive of), terribly moody, and commonly flips out when things arent her way. The last straw was her giant fit on the night I was going to ask my girls to be bridesmaids that she didn't attend. I had to cut her off for a while and are just now attempting to have a corrigible relationship a year later because our families are close. It was hard but ending that toxic friendship was a breath of fresh air for me! I agree that the relationship sounds very 1 sided and toxic.. Think hard but if it is causing you stress let it go!