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Savvy June 2018

Group bm bridal shower gift

JuneRis, on January 20, 2018 at 8:18 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15

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So some of my bridesmaids had a meeting with my mom this week and they discussed my bridal shower for ideas and such. Half of my bridal party couldn't attend because they're either out of state or lived hours away. Three of the girls talked about doing a group gift and then letting the others know so they can contribute. My mom didn't tell me anything other than that the group gift was wedding stuff. Since I'm an out of town bride, I have always felt tempted to make sure I'm on top of our planning. So all I said was that a lot of the small things I would actually prefer to buy myself such as the garter. I've already looked into several options. My mom basically made a noise that revealed that this was one of their planned gifts. I then brought up that I'd prefer nothing to say "bride"or at least go overboard with the whole labeling day of items such as a robe. Well, once I said that she made another comment that this is exactly the kind of stuff they are planning to get along with a few other small things.

Since I'm out of town, my bridal shower is not going to be the typical bridal shower where I sit down and open gifts. I will have a small registry through Amazon so items can be shipped to us, but we'd prefer most gifts to be gift cards, etc. I also planned on adding a somewhat big gift if the bridesmaids wanted to get together on a gift.

I have no issue with a group gift. I personally don't like them, but I wouldn't demand that they get individual gifts. I don't even want to choose my gift. My issue and this probably goes back to friendship issues that developed over the last few months, but no one is even checking with me to see if I have this small stuff. They're not even trying to get details out of me, so how are they going to get these small wedding items without even checking? Is this the norm? I've known these three girls since high school and one of them is my MOH. I don't plan on wearing a robe on the day of because I have so many other robes from other weddings, and they are just sitting in my closet. I planned on just doing a simple button down or a cute loose shirt. Plus, I truly planned on getting most of these gifts and tbh, these small items are the fun purchases that I'm looking forward to. I don't want it taken away from me if that makes sense.

I talked with one of bms that wasn't at the meeting about this and she is going to speak for me once the wedding group gift is brought up basically saying I have this stuff. I also want to indirectly teach the other bms and my moh that they shouldn't assume I don't have these items if they're not even going to check with me.

Do I just need to let go? What about my preferences?

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Vivian, on February 3, 2018 at 12:30 PM

Master May 2018
Forestwed · on January 20, 2018 at 8:45 AM
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You don’t have any input in the gift they get you. Graciously accept it then you can decide whether you use it or not.
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on January 20, 2018 at 8:49 AM
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You need to let this go. How would you even bring this up? You aren’t supposed to know anything about it.
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VIP October 2018
Sara P. · on January 20, 2018 at 8:58 AM
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Yes you need to let this go. As with any gift giving/receiving scenario, the giver didn't usually know and doesn't usually ask if the receiver already has XYZ.
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Super October 2018
Stacey · on January 20, 2018 at 9:47 AM
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My mom just gifted me a clutch she wants me to use the day of my wedding. She doesn't know what my dress looks like and it doesn't match at all. lol. She also got my sisters (BM and MOH) clutches to go with their dresses, which I haven't even picked out yet. I get it, it's awkward, but they are excited for you and it would definitely hurt their feelings if you start telling them what they can/can't buy.
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Savvy June 2018
JuneRis · on January 20, 2018 at 10:23 AM
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I appreciate everyone's input so far and thank each of you. Again, it's not that I'm giving a full list of items that I don't need/want. That's not my intention but maybe it's coming off that way. All of this was just naturally brought up in a conversation and it revealed itself. It's just that if their planned gifts were for the wedding itself.. why doesn't anyone have the thought: "Does she have this or did she plan on getting it?"
I'm just a very practical person especially when it comes to money, so I would hate if I bought these items already and then these items were gifted to me especially by my own bridal party members since they should be the ones more in the loop of the wedding of what's needed/not needed. I suppose this is what is irking me the most. Still, I'll just let go and accept it all with a smile.
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Master July 2017
Going to the chapel · on January 20, 2018 at 10:36 AM
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If it's such an issue with you, turn down the offer of a shower.
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VIP September 2018
HowCo Industries · on January 20, 2018 at 10:58 AM
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What a perfectly lovely phrasing. I could not agree more.
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Master July 2018
Cuoghi · on January 21, 2018 at 1:05 AM
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Its a gift! They shouldnt have to check with you. They aren't employees, they are your friends!
Be happy people want to give you a gift and you have loving friends and family. Be appreciative!!!
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Champion June 2018
muriel · on January 21, 2018 at 1:10 AM
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I would speak up, but it would be to tell them to PLEASE not buy me anything, not because they don't know my taste or what I have or do not have, but but because I think it is ridiculous to expect BM's to buy shower gifts at all. They are already spending enough on your wedding with dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, travel, hotel, using vacation time at work etc etc etc
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Super October 2017
Emily · on January 21, 2018 at 6:15 PM
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They are probably excited about this. It's always generous for anyone to give you any gift. What you don't like, don't use. I would probably put the robe on for one quick picture or glass of champagne and then move on.
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Dedicated September 2018
AG · on January 21, 2018 at 7:29 PM
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I don't know how far out your shower is so I don't know if they've already bought you anything, but maybe you could have your mom say that you casually mentioned that you were excited to go pick out the small things yourself, and that maybe they should think of something else? That's probably what I would do! I get where you're coming from, I'm really picky and like choosing things like that myself as well!
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Savvy June 2018
JuneRis · on January 21, 2018 at 7:36 PM
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My shower isn't until April so they were just in the planning process I guess, but my mom let them know that I "bought"some of this stuff already. From what I've heard, they now went a different direction so they don't give me repeat gifts. I'm just stepping back entirely now so I'll be surprised and I'll enjoy the gift or gifts no matter what it is 😊
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Devoted April 2018
Vivian · on February 3, 2018 at 12:30 PM
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Glad it worked out!
Have to say though - it sounds like maybe the real issue is that you're hurt that they aren't bothering to communicate with you and be involved in what you've done already and are planning to do. That's definitely something that should be addressed if it's the case. I'd suggest really thinking about it and figuring out if you're hurt, and then finding a nice way to bring it up to them (say how you feel, don't attack them or accuse them).
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