Haley
Expert October 2020

Groom Struggling with Change...?

Haley, on February 4, 2020 at 12:47 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
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So I'm sure all you lovely ladies have met at least one old man in your life with the philosophy of "all women are crazy, they take all their husbands money, control what they're husbands can/can't do, getting married was the worst thing I've ever done, man you better watch out as soon as you get married she will suddenly try to change everything about you" and blah blah blah.....


My groom is 27 and we are the first to get married in our friend group. We've been together 10 years. Most of our friends either have girlfriends they're busy with, work overtime, or have quit drinking totally. He is kind of the last one to really hang onto this "friday night is exciting" thing. Which doesn't reallllly bother me, except it leaves me by myself on a lot of friday nights because he thinks you should do ANYTHING on a friday because "it's a friday".

Since we are in such a transitional period right now, I've felt myself shifting into 'married-mode'. We are trying to prepare our house to be sold, plan a wedding, and live our regular daily lives. FH works a lot of overtime and then wants to kick back with a beer or take a nap. Which was fine when we were 21 or 22 or just not having all this going on in life.

I'm afraid to overwhelm him with conversations about how we are getting married soon and he needs to start transitioning into making what WE are doing his main priority and not just what his plans are (like actual work or his hobbies).

We've been together 10 years like I said, so I already know who he is and I love him. But how can explain that I expect him to shift his priorities because we are getting married without sounding like one of those "crazy wives" the old miserable men talk about that claim women will just try to change everything about you as soon as you're married?

18 Comments

Latest activity by Jai, on February 5, 2020 at 12:38 PM
  • Izzykern
    Super April 2021
    Izzykern ·
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    Hi! I think “married life” is whatever you make it! It shouldn’t mean that you have to completely stop drinking and stay at home all the time, but it can if that’s what you guys want it to be. It’s very couple specific I think. — if he wants to still go out and do those things, you should maybe compromise and get the best of both worlds😊 but in my personal opinion, it isn’t a good idea to force the “married life” facade onto anyone. It is whatever you want it to be
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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    I agree with you! It is just frustrating me sometimes because he has this mentality that he can't do ANYTHING on weekends that isn't "fun" or whatever. And at this time, we have a lot of work we need to do around the house to prepare it to sell. And he's like "sorry, that's a weekday thing, not a weekend thing" and then he works overtime until 8pm on weekdays so he doesn't actually have time to do the stuff.

    He used to say "doing stuff inside the house like painting is for married people, I'm not doing inside stuff until we're married"....like what? haha. "Inside stuff" is for adults who live in houses?

    Anyway thank you for your response. I don't disagree at all.

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  • Samantha
    Dedicated May 2018
    Samantha ·
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    My husband and I are similar to you two in that he always goes out Friday night and sometimes once in the middle of the week, whereas I prefer to stay home and watch Netflix after work. But I understand what you're saying about priorities and I think it's worth having a discussion with him about, but I would think about what your exact expectations for him are beforehand. Maybe it could be a compromise, like every once in a while if you're sick or otherwise really want him home with you, he will be there if you ask.

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  • Vannesa
    Expert October 2021
    Vannesa ·
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    I agree with PP that married life is what you guys make it. But it sounds like he's making excuses to not do these things. It sounds like he still wants to be in that frat boy stage. Going out every Friday gets old for some people and others just want to live in the moment. Maybe sit him down and make a compromise before getting married and you going crazy over it?


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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    I don't care that he goes out. It bothers me that I feel like we have stuff to do around the house (even small stuff like take the trash out) and he's like "thats a weekday thing".

    I feel like if I "suddenly" ask him/tell him that needs to do stuff around the house on weekends too, he will feel like I'm "making" him change. When in reality I just feel like we are growing up and need to be better about these things in general.

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  • Dayna
    Expert September 2021
    Dayna ·
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    I've had to have a similar discussion with FH because he will often get really caught up in his hobbies and lose track of time or forget about things that need done around the house. He usually has the mentality of "I'll do the fun stuff now, and the chores later" while I prefer to get the chores out of the way and then relax after. I think the easiest way to approach it would be to make a list of things that need done, and ask him to set aside a specific amount of time on the weekend that you can both work together on it. Like "hey, I know you want to go out on Friday night, so how about Saturday morning we get up, make breakfast, and dedicate 6 hours to tackling the things on this list." If he knows he will still get to spend the rest of his weekend having fun, he might feel more inclined to dive in.

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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    That is a good idea. That's exactly how he is. He works really hard and then wants to spend the rest of his time doing what he wants. Which is fine except that leaves me to do all the things no one wants to do around the house and I work a full time job too so that sucks for me haha

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  • Samantha
    Dedicated May 2018
    Samantha ·
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    Yeah I see now that the issue extends farther than just him going out. I think he probably needs to understand that doing only fun things on weekends is unrealistic for an adult. If you have any big house-related or life-related project going on, chances are you're going to have to use at least part of your weekend on it. Whether you're married or not has no bearing on that.

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  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
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    There should be some balance. He can go out every weekend AND do work around the house? The reality of adulthood is that things have to get done. Not tomorrow not next week but right now.
    Painting is for married ppl?))) It made me laugh but i guess that's the issue right there - it's not about marriage it's about "growing up". I hope it makes sense. He needs to know what it is like being a partner and what your expectations of a partner is.
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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    Yeah that's what I'm saying. He doesn't actually go out, he is in the garage working on his "projects" haha. But yes, he thinks a lot of these chores/home improvement/whatever are for people who don't have hobbies or "for married people" and I'm like no, they are for people who just have stuff that needs to be done whether you WANT to do it or not.

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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    Trust me, I laugh too when he says "that's for married people". SURE haha.

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  • Jennifer
    Master September 2018
    Jennifer ·
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    I HATE when men call a woman crazy that usually means that she didn't put up with his crap. I think baby steps with men are best as well as open communication. Let him know your expectations without sounding like you are trying to mother him or teach him.

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  • Rae
    Savvy June 2021
    Rae ·
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    It sounds like he has some closely-held preconceived notions about what it means to be married. I think it's time for pre-marital counseling. It can definitely help lay out expectations and make sure you guys have effective communication.

    If he's getting home at 8PM on weekdays then weekdays are for resting and weekends are for chores. How can he possibly get anything done on weekdays?

    Also, those old guys that say getting married ruins your life are out of touch. Sure, getting divorced ruined THEIR lives, but an ex-wife can't really "take all your money" if she makes her own money, court doesn't work like that anymore.

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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    I'm thinking that too.


    They are definitely out of touch and he tells them so. He doesn't really think that but I hear it more and more as our wedding approaches and I just have to roll my eyes.

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  • A
    Super February 2020
    Andrea ·
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    We had a lot of conversations when I used to feel like I was being left alone every Friday night. After a lot of back and forth eventually he understood that I wanted to spend at least one weekend with him. He's been so much better and takes into consideration my feelings and if I want some us time. I know it sounds daunting, but you need to have that difficult conversation with him.

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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Our communication was off track, but once we attended couples therapy we worked through the same issue. My FH liked to do a few single things and we kinda butt heads because he had a single mentality. After talking about it honestly and openly, and with a third party we agreed that shifting from being engagement to marriage, is different. Compromising will be your best friend. Sometimes it is hard to be on the same page.
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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    That's what I'm trying to get at too. There is a shift that happens when you go from single to dating, dating to engaged, and engaged to married. And I don't want to pressure him into stuff or seem like I'm suddenly nagging where I wasn't before, but priorities and relationships shift with each new step in the relationship.

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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I agree. It will happen. It just takes a long conversation lol
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