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Kaleigh
Just Said Yes May 2016

Got Married (eloped) 5/21/2016 planned a reception 5/19/2018 & decided to cancel... need help

Kaleigh, on February 8, 2018 at 11:48 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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My husband and I eloped 5/21/2016. We had been together for 5 years and we got engaged 12/19/15... we knew we wanted to get married... I really wanted a backyard wedding in our parents yard as we didn’t not have a house yet we were still renting...
we decided to plan our wedding fairly quickly because my health insurance was up May of 2016.
I am a floral designer myself ... so May was not ideal for me to take off. But we felt ... I need the health insurance... we are getting married anyways.. why not.
So we had a very intimate backyard wedding... my dad set up a tent and got some light catering.. I wore a pretty white summer dress I found at target lol and I changed into jeans shortly after. We wrote our own vows but did not exchange them at this wedding.
Now I didn’t make a big deal out of this wedding because I had plans for a big wedding next year.. we actually went and picked out my real wedding dress 5/20/16 and I bought a backless Victorian gown and was very excited about it.
After the 21st it was like that was good enough... the ppl we loved were there... we had a intimate bon fire afterwards... and my husband and I always talked about that should have been the only one...

family members were extremely offended they were not invited... it was a lot of drama. I suited there was another wedding and he one at my dads was for “health insurance” when really it was the only wedding we wanted and it was perfect.

we started planning the second wedding with a venue in the woods near my parents house and were going to have the ceremony off a hiking trail. Very beautiful. My husbands parents gave us $5000 as a wedding gift to help pay. Which covered all the deposits and my dress.
Then down the line we moved in with my brother because my condo lease was up and we planned to live with him for a year while we got married and looked for a house afterwards....
only thing was we found our dream house a little early... decided to postpone the wedding another year and go for the house..
we ended up loosing all our venders because of the move out of state... lost all the desposits and basically had to start over.
We should have just mailed out letters or a cute post card that we eloped but I am so overwhelmed mentally with pleasing others that I let it consume me.
So we are in our new house and started planning wedding again... this time in our own back yard. On 5/19/18 instead of 5/20/17 and it has just been a stressful nightmare for my husband and I and have almost torn us apart multiple times.

We have already paid caters and rentals the only thing I have not paid in full is the dj and caterer.
i sent out invitations about 2 weeks ago when I should have sent them out in November.. something kept holding me back.. I actually felt sick when I put them in the mail.

I have alwasu known in my head this second wedding is for all the wrong reasons... to please others... show off in front of ppl I don’t like in a amazing wedding dress.... and it just doesn’t feel right as I’m growing older.
I have been so stressed I came down with depression... I was passing out in my yard last summer fromsudden panic attacks..I am seeing a therapist now for depression which is not like me..

now im supposed to have this big fake wedding with a bunch of ppl I don’t care about or want to see. Like abnoxiois family who has taken me down and made me feel like crap my whole life.. my husbands ex / stepsons mother..

all the reasons sons for this wedding is not right and we don’t want to go through with it.. it’s strained our relationship.. it’s made me see what is important in life..
mans it’s probably been extremely annoying with all the postponing and replanting for everyone else involved. I must have changed the dates 4 times. So this large story is only a minuscule of it all...

in a nutshell I told my husband I wanted to cancel the wedding 2 nights ago. He agreed he’s never wanted it and has tried talking me out of it since the very first wedding..but I just didn’t listen.

Now im in this mess. I made my decision and even showed him my wedding dress to make it official no turning back.

Now I’ve been in bed 2 days extremely sick and I can’t even keep down water. I’m assuming for the 2 years of stress.

I want to know what do you do? A letter a postcard?

How is do I tell ppl I don’t want a wedding that I’ve been skiing up people about for 2 years... that’s pretty much paid for...
and avoid the embarrassment of people things we are separating or having financial problems?

I am just beside myself and i cant find a situation like mine in the internet.

Please help public opinions..

-Kale

21 Comments

Latest activity by Erica, on February 15, 2018 at 5:54 PM
  • Forestwed
    Master May 2018
    Forestwed ·
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    It doesn’t matter what other people think. Do what’s best for you and your husband. You don’t need to have another wedding/celebration especially if you’re only doing it for other people.
    • Reply
  • joey
    Expert October 2019
    joey ·
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    If it's causing you this much stress just cancel, hopefully you don't have a lot of money tied up in it already. Don't worry about what other people will say, take care of yourself.

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  • Casey
    VIP December 2018
    Casey ·
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    How do your parents feel? Personally I would be really upset if, after $5,000 wasted and another year and another wedding planned, you changed your mind again and cancel everything after invitations are sent out. Isn't there a way to make the best of a situation and get to wear your beautiful gown and have a celebration with your husband and family?

    You have to do what's best for your relationship, but you also have to understand your actions have consequences. You changed the wedding date four times (even if for valid reasons), and now you're cancelling after invitations are sent out? There's no "right way" to do that, unfortunately.

    I hope everything works out.

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  • Red Queen
    VIP May 2018
    Red Queen ·
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    Why not just throw an awesome party, since it's all paid for, but NOT a wedding? Don't wear your dress, no vows, nothing like that. Just great food and music.

    Seems a shame to waste that.

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  • An
    Super September 2019
    An ·
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    Yeah agreed, I would try to pay them back at least if you haven't done so already. I also like the idea of just having a non-wedding related party depending on how much you have put down and how much more it would be just to finish paying the caterer. I'm sorry this has negatively affected your mental health.

    To answer your question, I would just send a postcard that the wedding has been canceled. It sounds like most of your guests know that you are already married so you won't have to explain that part of it. If people get upset there is nothing you can do except try to put yourself in their shoes and be as understanding as possible.

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  • RZ_ToBe
    Master July 2018
    RZ_ToBe ·
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    I agree with just having a party to celebrate.

    I'd be really upset if I gave someone 5 grand, saw it wasted, only to see it wasted yet again with your dress never being worn. At least make their efforts known in a toast.

    Don't waste all that money in vendors either. It would be such a shame to not only waste In-Law's money, but a ton of yours as well. And stop worrying about other people! You'll never please everyone no matter what you do, so you need to move on. There are always people upset about not being invited to a wedding.

    So take a hot bath, relax, and look forward to having a party!
    • Reply
  • Kaleigh
    Just Said Yes May 2016
    Kaleigh ·
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    The $5k was a wedding gift from the first wedding to us.. they didn’t really care wht it went towards. Yes they feel bad that it was wasted and we made countless mistakes... but they are the ones who have also been pushing the “cancel the wedding” idea with my husband whom never wanted it. I’ve just taken a long time to realize I only wanted it for the wrong reasons.
    I am extremely upset about cancelling but I think it’s the right thing to do aside from invites going out.. and yes most of the wedding is paid for catering/rentals I just have not paid for the dj and my cake yet...
    i looked at my contracts with rentals and catering I can be refunded everything except the $1000 deposit.

    I am just having a very very hard time with this and need some non family advice.
    I can’t find any reference online how to write a letter that your cancelling even though your already married.. and your not separating.. not having financial issues...just decided you don’t want to the wedding.
    Mum completely consumed with embarrassment and confusion.
    Idk what to do.
    • Reply
  • RZ_ToBe
    Master July 2018
    RZ_ToBe ·
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    You can either send out cards that say "we appreciate your love and your support, but we have chosen to cancel our wedding because we feel the magic of a wedding is not there. Please understand and respect our decision. Thank you for your time."

    Or... like I said, just throw a party. It doesn't need to be a wedding. Just celebrate with people and enjoy your efforts. Make a toast at the end saying you appreciate people coming to celebrate you and your husband or just continue to party.

    Don't overthink this. You're already married, which is the important part. Just relax and see if your husband just wants to cancel or have a small party.
    • Reply
  • E
    Super October 2017
    Emily ·
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    Send an announcement that the event formerly planned will not occur as invitation states and that you and your husband appreciate the well wishes for your marriage. Then answer or don't answer your phone as you see fit. Maybe your therapist can help you draft up something. Stick to facts. You don't have to explain or apologize. The event is cancelled, you appreciate well wishes. The end.

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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    It's not a wedding; it's a vow renewal. Cancel it; neither of you want it, and it's making you sick and unhappy. Also, it's a fraud (which may be why it's making you sick and unhappy). Hand write a plain note to everyone invited saying that you are sorry to say that your vow renewal of xxx date has been cancelled. (If you have received gifts, return them with another grateful and apologetic note.) Do not try to explain, but the apology in there is important. There is no cute way to do this.

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  • Kaleigh
    Just Said Yes May 2016
    Kaleigh ·
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    I’m really appreciating all the feedback from everyone. I need all the different honest responses from people I do not know. It’s really helping me.
    Thank you.
    • Reply
  • Cassidy
    VIP October 2017
    Cassidy ·
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    I can’t understand why you wanted to have four weddings. I don’t think it was a good idea on having a second wedding because you said the first one was perfect. Like If you had a second wedding, I’d be like who do they think they are that we want to go to a second wedding of theirs? Weddings are meant to celebrate the beginning of a marriage and you’re already happily married. Nobody cares and would go to your second wedding. Also, it’s causinf you anxiety because you have more important things to deal with than having a wedding you keep cancelling. No one wants to go.
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  • The Nuptials
    VIP July 2018
    The Nuptials ·
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    I think you need to go through with some sort of event. You had time to get out of this, plenty of time but pressed forward.

    Dont wear the dress if you don't want to. Tone down the 'wedding' if you wish and just have a party celebrating your love.

    i would really be scratching my head if I received a 'oops never mind' postcard in the mail. At this point I don't think it's worth the drama for all the back and forth. I think the drama will bring you more stress!
    • Reply
  • MelisM
    Expert January 2019
    MelisM ·
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    If it's causing you this much stress I would cancel it. You would only be out $1,000 and that is not horrible considering. I agree with the others, I would ask your therapist to help you draft up a letter and send it out to the guests because they do need something more formal of a notification since you already sent out the invites.

    I would also inform your parents before you send anything out so they are prepared for phone calls from the family.

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  • Alysia
    Devoted September 2018
    Alysia ·
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    You're already married, and the planning is stressing you out. I hope this doesn't come off as snarky or rude because it's not meant to be, but you should cancel the wedding and stop planning wedding parties.

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  • K
    Dedicated June 2018
    Kelli ·
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    Don't worry about what other people think. Do what is best for you and your husband. It should not be causing you this much stress and emotional upset. Yes, you made mistakes, Yes you wasted money. Call it a loss and MOVE ON. FORGIVE YOURSELF. its not the end of the world.

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  • Patrice
    Dedicated March 2018
    Patrice ·
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    Since you pay for everything already I would do a vow renewal which would be nice for you and your husband to remind you guys why you guys got married in the first place since this whole situation has cause problem in your marriage. Because that's alot of money to waste and you can also change the dress and make it be a fun time for everyone


    Good luck
    • Reply
  • Cassidy
    VIP October 2017
    Cassidy ·
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    Also there’s no letters that explain your situation online templates because well, people don’t do what you’ve been doing.
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  • Erica
    Expert August 2018
    Erica ·
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    I'm so sorry. Hope you feel better. Honestly Follow your heart. Don't do things for people specially if it straining your relationship or if it stress you out. You can always concern or just have a random family reunion instead of a wedding. Sending a notice out would possible be the best bet.
    • Reply

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