Giving the potential bridal party an option

What were the choices that you were considering giving them?

View Quoted Comment

I wanted them to consider being my MOH/BM.

View Quoted Comment Oh that’s what you mean - I think that’s fine to ask them. If they can’t do it then they’ll certainly let you know

View Quoted Comment

Thank you. I wasn't sure if it was out of line to ask them to consider instead of just asking them and having them feel guilted into doing it.

When I asked each of my girls I did this-I didn’t want anyone saying yes because they felt obligated to because it is a lot and some people are more comfortable just being guests. I’ve been in situations like this where I felt very uncomfortable and didn’t have as much fun so I never want anyone to feel like that. All of mine said yes and I’m grateful but I wouldn’t have been offended if they hadn’t wanted to.

I did it like that as well because all my ladies are spread out. 1 in NorCal, 1 in SoCal, 1 in Utah, 1 in Indiana and 2 in North Dakota and the wedding is in South Dakota. I just asked each of them and said I know it’s a lot of responsibility and can be pricey as everything is from a far so I totally understand and have no hard feelings if they aren’t able to! It all worked out just fine

Thats actually a really good idea! Not everyone likes being in weddings since they can be expensive and time consuming. But most brides go into it thinking if someone says no they cant be friends anymore. So I am sure they will appreciate you giving them the option but I’d also be careful with how many you ask cause if they all say yes you could end up with a huge bridal party lol

I called each girl individual before I sent out cute "proposals". I just talked to them about what I predicted the costs would be, where/when the wedding would be, etc. so they could think about it and make sure they wanted to do it. They all said yes, then I sent out cute proposals in the mail.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks.

Ive already created a plan if everyone does say yes

View Quoted Comment

Thats a great idea too. I am going after the element of surprise with the proposals since I have so many girlfriends that are or may be expecting to be asked so I am putting the consideration note into their individual boxes and am not asking for an out loud at that moment "yes".

MOH are not captains of a team. They do not have any extra responsibility for organizing, or even paying a share, of showers or bachelorettes, unless they volunteer. Maids or Matrons of Honor are usually chosen either because you feel closer to them, or, though maybe not closest now, you have a long and enduring friendship. A MOH may not do any parties at all, and still be a good MOH. And any very close woman friend, or sister or cousin, may volunteer to give a shower, whether they are in the wedding party or not. Sometimes none of your wedding party has time, money, or interest, but non Bridal party friends do want to. And it works fine, those getting dresses or having to pay travel, do not have shower expenses too. Or a couple not BP work with 1 or 2 MOH or BM. Some media and sites have added lists of duties, not at all traditional, to MOH, so like TV, they are captains of a Bride team. But read on WW. Brides who do that often end up in a mess. BM who want to be in the bridal party will often not know the MOH well. And they signed on to spend time with you, and often do not cooperate, or get upset when they feel bossed around by MOH. Or MOH think they can make plans, and expect all will pay shares. Only to have people say, You planned it without our help, you pay for it all.
There are no set responsibilities MOH has that bridesmaids don't, outside TV land, except where they stand. It is an honorary position. Both need to get the clothes, and be there an hour before the wedding, or for set posed pre- wedding pictures. Everything elseis things anyone does or does not volunteer to do. You don't have to have any MOH, or you may have one or two. But it is no honor at all to be told, pick the level of honor according to what you are willing to do for me. That is actually considered not nice at all. Honor people as you wish,BM or MOH, when you ask. Party planning and such are not something brides are entitled to, and they do not go with the title. And when people volunteer, all who plan will work together to decide the kind or location of the event ( home, yard venue) and what they do ( ? cook or cater, games.)
And the budget each is willing to go with. And then, how many they can host, of the type party they want, for that budget. It is a cooperative thing that the bride does not assign, or do herself. You only decide, who gets which title as an honor.

View Quoted Comment

As I hear ALL that you are saying the question is moreso asking them to consider being in the bridal party period not a specific position just to get from what I gathered of your response "parties to equal loyalty or title".

Again I dont want anyone to feel obligated to do something they dont want to do or cant so I am asking them to consider being a part of the party.

I am so not concerned with parties, showers and "shows of loyalty". I dont want anyone to feel forced because I asked, that is the actual question of if it proper etiquette or not.

View Quoted Comment This is really nice, talk first, so people have a basis for deciding. They do not feel pressure with this kind of gift after accepting.

View Quoted Comment When you said consideration of their roles, and I wanted them to consider being my MOH/ BM, I thought you meant you were going to tell them what the role of BM was, and the role of MOH, duties you thought they should do. Then ask them to consider if they wanted to be a BM OR MOH, choose between them.
I misunderstood. You just want them to feel free to say yes, or no to being in your WP at all? Not feel pressured?
That is exactly proper etiquette. What is not proper is people with this fad of gifts and a suprise, that so many do before asking . Or, people who start with a list of duties as the proper role. So yes, this is the nice way to stay friends, even if they feel unable to do it. No sense of letting you down, beyond a little disappointment . Sorry that I misunderstood.