Paige
Just Said Yes June 2022

Giving The Bride Away

Paige, on November 29, 2021 at 11:49 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10
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So, my father is very alive and very much in my life. However, he has never been the type of father you'd look up to, he's the type of father that your mother warns you "just don't marry anyone like him when you're older". Without going into too much detail, he treated me very badly (emotionally and mentally- not physically) growing up and still has no remorse for any of it. And the thought of having him walk me down the aisle made me so angry that for a moment I dreaded even having the wedding. So my older brother has agreed to do it. He was more of a father to me and still the person I go to for advice.

My only problem is, 1)- it does make me sad that I'll never get to have a father-daughter first look and the other traditional things like that. It's silly I know, but I can't help but be a little sad.

And 2)- I have a gut feeling that once my wedding day is here, my dad will make it about him and how I caused a scene and embarrassed him by not letting him be a part of it.


My mom will probably try to guilt me into letting him be in the wedding and I know it's gonna make us fight with each other. But I can't budge on this. It'll just ruin my entire wedding for me. I usually just let my dad get his way because it's easier than having to deal with him, but this is my day. I just don't know how to find a balance between being civil and having boundaries or standing up for myself.

Is there anyway I could still have those personal moments daughters get, except with my brother? And I don't even know what to ask about my dad and how to deal with the whole situation.

10 Comments

Latest activity by Janna, on December 25, 2021 at 7:29 PM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Contrary to popular belief, in the modern generation/society, very few if see the bride’s escort as giving her away as property because she is independent. The escort is merely acting as someone supportive to walk her down the aisle, slowing her down or keeping her from freezing up which happens more often than not. Only in the movies does it have the connotation of the bride as properly transfer because that symbolism has fallen out of favor roughly a century ago. Basically just choose anyone you want to walk you down the aisle. Most people will not connect the two and those who do likely aren’t there in support of you.


    As far as the father/daughter dance, they are becoming less popular overall. A lot of people are more open nowadays about the fact that not all relationships are picture perfect and don’t want to pretend for pictures that something is what in reality doesn’t exist. Also, with many venues having extremely tight blocks of time available for the reception, couples are skipping spotlight dances to extend dancing time for guests. No one will be upset or think that you hate your parents by choosing to skip those dances, especially if there is no relationship and the parents are prone to theatrics if thinks don’t go their way. Mom has no leg to stand on to pressure you into this because she already got married. Many parents try to live vicariously through kids’ weddings because they didn’t get a say in their own so they get the idea that perpetuating the idea makes it acceptable and not controlling. Set boundaries and learn to maintain them as a team because they will try to pressure and dictate your other life decisions if you don’t set boundaries from the beginning.
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  • Samantha
    Rockstar May 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    Just make sure to tell your mom and dad before hand. Less likely to be a scene if its not a surprise. Just say, "this is what I am doing, and if you can't be respectful, we'll miss you at the wedding". Having special moments with your brother doesn't mean you're "replacing" anyone, just means you wanted these moments with your brother!

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  • Paige
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Paige ·
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    Thank you that makes me feel a bit better. I did forget to mention that I’m 21 and in Veterinarian school. And my fiancé is 20 and works a full time job as a certified welder. So my parents are funding most everything right now. Even though I’ve offered to get a part time job and my fiancé is more than happy to help with finances. I just don’t want him to have to do that. He works very hard every day almost and I just don’t feel like it’s fair of me to ask him to spend nearly every dime he makes on me. And I wouldn’t want him to. Plus my mother has always promised me that as long As I stayed in school she would be more than happy to pay for things. But she has been known to hold my tuition over my head recently and yea I could take out student loans but I don’t want to unless it’s absolutely necessary. They are a last resort. So I can’t exactly set that boundary like I would like to.
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  • Paige
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Paige ·
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    I’ve been very forward about it to my mom. My father and I aren’t on speaking terms really. We can be civil and he can pretend to be daddy dearest in front of people, but I just found it’s easier to say nothing at all.
    • Reply
  • Heather
    Rockstar November 2021
    Heather ·
    • Flag

    Paige,
    I'm so sorry to hear how your father treated you growing up Smiley sad
    If you feel like your brother played a more fatherly role than your own father then you can definitely designate him to walk you down! And it is YOUR wedding! You do it however you want it. If you feel comfortable skipping these dances then do it. If they throw a fit then they really are making it about themselves and not you.
    Make sure to mention this to your parents now just like what PPs mentioned so it doesn't become a surprise.
    But also keep in mind that if they are going to pay then they will definitely have a say. And as a courtesy they should, but to an EXTENT. Again it is still YOUR day. Maybe you guys can have a compromise. But if it disrupts how you TRULY feel then tell them NO. You HAVE to be firm because like you said it will ruin YOUR wedding. Make sure to have your FH there with you for support or even your brother. Having someone there with you will help.

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  • Taylor
    Devoted October 2022
    Taylor ·
    • Flag
    I don’t know how to answer your question but I will say I understand the father stuff. Mine wasn’t great or really there growing up and I dreaded having a wedding as a result. I will still be doing a father daughter dance since my fiancé will have one with his mother so I feel I have to but I’m walking myself down and my father with walk my sister who is my maid of honor. My father who isn’t a part of my life giving me away doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like the notion anyway
    • Reply
  • Rebelle Fleur
    Rockstar July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
    • Flag
    If you must include him in some way. You can do the first look with him and have your brother walk you down the aisle, as a compromise. This moment will just be between you too and it will allow him to feel as if he’s involved in some way without you having to feel like you are honoring him for being a “father” to you.
    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Beginner January 2022
    Amanda ·
    • Flag

    I am not having my father walk me down the isle either. Luckily we talked about it and he was ok with it, thanks to his wife (not my mom) saying she walked her own daughter down the isle. I am walking myself though. To help my dad not feel as left out/ hurt by my decision, I am going to have him come in and see me before for about 5-10 minutes. I figure during that time I can give him his boutonniere and his wife her corsage. Figure that way he can't have too much time to say something upsetting or ruin my day. Then he will go with the rest of the family and I can have some time to myself. I am thinking of still doing the father/daughter dance, but not with an emotional song. He really upset my sister minutes before walking her down the isle and I am not willing to take that chance.

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  • Paige
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Paige ·
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    Thank you I really like this idea. Over the holidays I’ve learned how to handle our whole situation a little better, and I think it means a lot to my mom. I hadn’t even thought about this before!!
    • Reply
  • Janna
    Savvy July 2022
    Janna ·
    • Flag
    My fiancé and I are going to walk down the aisle together. We’re doing pictures and ‘first look’ before the wedding, so we will have already seen each other. This is your wedding, you and your fiancé call the shots!
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