Gift "expectations"

Some of the people who declined our wedding invitation sent us a gift, and some did not. We didn't expect anyone to give a gift for our wedding, so it was a pleasant surprise when we received a few gifts in the mail! I don't think that it's expected to send a gift if you can't attend, but it's certainly a kind gesture if you're able to do so.

The only people that ended up sending gifts were a few older relatives. I don’t think this is the standard any more with recent generations.

I honestly don't remember if any of our quests who weren't able to attend sent us a gift.

I don't think that's actually an old school vs. new school thing. Traditions around gift giving have always been regional, cultural, and have evolved with the times. I have declined wedding invitations in my life for a variety of reasons, and whether or not I send a gift depends on how close I am to the couple and my life situation (including financial) at the time.

I mean this with all kindness: removing all of your expectations around gifts (who, what, how much) will free you up to just enjoy getting married and celebrating without worrying about that part of it at all. Lots of people will give you gifts; some people may not. You will have a lovely wedding no matter what.

According to my spreadsheet (created for thank-you card purposes), some of my guests who declined sent checks, others did not. Gifts did not correlate with age. I remember the handwritten notes of well wishes more than the amount given. Worth noting, I did not have a registry, nor bridal shower or bachelorette party. My wedding required travel by my side which was difficult for some during another Covid surge.

Most of our “declines” did send us a gift. I think maybe only one or two didn’t. I’m finding this rule of etiquette is still seeming to hold up very well. This could be because the days of huge weddings with guests that don’t know you as well (parent’s friends, acquaintances, long lost friends, etc) are becoming a thing of the past, so all are close to the couple and therefore feel that they would still want to give them something to celebrate.

Some of our declines sent gifts, some said they'd send something but never did, and some didn't send anything or say anything about it. I've never been invited to a wedding (at least as an adult) where I didn't know the couple well enough that I wouldn't send a gift, but I suppose I'd at least pause and think about it if I were invited to a wedding where neither of us were close to the couple.

Etiquette only requires that you send a note of congratulations and well wishes if you can't attend. But if you are close to the couple getting married and can't be there for whatever reason, I don't see why you wouldn't be moved to send a gift. We always send something either way. I don't base how much I spend on whether or not I get a meal and drinks out of it, either.

View Quoted Comment “ according to my spreadsheet…”. I think we are kindred spirits. 😂

I took a look back my spreadsheet and it was basically a 60/40 split with more declines sending gifts than not. The majority of the declines that did not send a gift were younger (my cousins vs. my parents relatives/friends) so it might be a generational thing? We weren't expecting gifts from declines, so it was a pleasant and appreciated surprise!

I think I still count as “new generation” (millennial), and I was taught that you send a gift if you decline. I definitely would if I had to decline regardless of closeness only because that’s what I’ve been taught.

Thanks everyone! I wasn't "Looking for gifts", I was just curious as to what is happening "out there" nowadays. We just moved, and although the new address is on the invites, I don't know how many people actually took notice. So, part of me was worried that any cards/gifts wouldn't make it to the new address (even though we changed it at the post office)

That is so interesting. The etiquette we were raised with by strict much older Southern moms and grandmothers who follow Miss Manners to a T (which still do ) was that if you were invited to a wedding and declined, you would mail a card at most. No cash, only a heartfelt note inside. If you did attend, then you bring along a physical gift with you to the wedding. That is how our families and friends have done weddings as long as we can remember and how ours was done too. We did not receive gifts in the mail from anyone who was unable to attend because that is not what they are accustomed to by the etiquette in their social circle.

Yes and no. Yes it’s an old school practice but it’s no longer a requirement.
We are not asking for gifts but asking that people donate in our name to charities we support.

In our case it was hit and miss. Some people who attended didn't bring any gift, including most of my husband's family and most of his groomsmen. It really didnt bother us though, we were more concerned with celebrating our marriage, and we still got most of the stuff on our registry from those who did gift.

Wedding gifts are never supposed to be an entitlement from the point of view of the couple receiving them so it's considered rude to expect anything at all, especially overtly. That's why old school etiquette dislikes the entire idea of registries and why modern etiquette still regards any link to a registry on an invitation to be a faux pas. As a guest, modern day sources would say it's mandatory to send or bring a gift. Traditionally it's "only" considered very customary, the thought being gifts are supposed to be given voluntarily, out of sentiment or love, not obligation. For all practical purposes most thoughtful people who care about a couple getting married will want to send a wedding gift, especially if they are close enough to be invited and attend.

But since gift giving in general is voluntary, no etiquette has stated that one can or should not give a gift for a wedding you weren't invited to. It's just that it's not obligatory. Again, if you are close enough to the couple getting married to be invited to their wedding, I don't know why you wouldn't and there's no reason at all why you shouldn't.