Ghosted by Moh… skip toast?

I’ll give some (VERY LONG AND MOSTLY ABOUT COVID AND DEPRESSION) back story just because I really need an outlet to vent, and then I’ll end with my question! So scroll to the bottom if you don’t want the full history lol.


I have moved SO many times that it’s been difficult for me to keep close friends. However one friend has remained constant in my life since high school, although we’ve had varying degrees of closeness over the past two decades. About 7 years ago she went through a divorce and heavily leaned on me for emotional support, and we became the closest we’d ever been, calling each other our “ride or die.”
Fast forward 2 years from that, and covid hits. I was one of the very first people to test positive in Los Angeles, before the shut downs had even happened, and I don’t think people really understand the trauma this induced for us “early birds.” I lived completely alone in my tiny studio apartment, and received a letter from the department of health telling me I could not leave my residence until I had been symptom free for three days. And I was sick for TWO MONTHS… bed-ridden. Doctors did not even want to talk to me, they said “there’s no medication and no treatment. If you start turning blue, go to the emergency room.” And the panic ensued, there were no delivery options (Uber eats, instacart, DoorDash, you name it they were all either shut down or backed up for months) so I had NO WAY to get food other than my family driving 6 hours round trip to drop some groceries on my porch once a week. My apartment building said I couldn’t use the laundry facilities either, so for two months I had no clean clothes. The news kept repeating that mild cases last about 2 weeks, so as I neared 8 weeks I was certain I was going to die (I have an auto immune disease). I started having severe panic attacks (for the first time in my entire life) to the point that I called 911 more than once because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and was unable to tell if it was panic or covid. Even after I recovered, having gone through something this traumatic and now living in a world turned upside down and in complete isolation (if you didn’t live in a big city during the early stages, you might not realize how extreme it was…NO ONE was going outside and if they did EVERYONE was masked and terrified. I didn’t find out the rest of the US was still just acting normal until I left LA). Needless to say I fell into a deep depression, became suicidal, and only snapped out of it when my cousin took his own life. I realized that was going to be me next if I didn’t get help.
Why is this backstory relevant? The entire time I was going through this severe depression and panic attacks, this “best friend” was complaining that I wasn’t being proactively social anymore…despite me communicating VERY clearly that I was suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts, completely overwhelmed by the thought of even getting out of bed and taking care of basic hygiene let alone able to be social. None of that seemed to be a good enough “excuse” as to why I wasn’t reaching out and why it would take me longer to respond. But after a while of me explaining it wasn’t personal and I was miserable, she finally seemed to ease up on me…and I thought it was her just understanding and respecting my situation, but now I am not so sure.
It’s taken me 2 years to pull myself out of this dark emotional place in my life and to feel up to socializing again. I’ve slowly started reaching out to her, and things felt…a little off? But she also kept saying she’s gotten so busy with work and house hunting that I chalked it up to that.
When I got engaged a month ago, I wanted to FaceTime her directly to ask her to be my MoH since we live about 4 hours apart now (felt she would appreciate that so much more than just a text), but after weeks of asking when would be good for a call and her never having time, I finally just filmed a video of me opening up her “will you be my MoH” gifts and asked her via video. Again ended the video saying I would love to find time to talk whether on a call or in person! She responded via text that she was so honored and excited and would love to be my MoH (and that she’s never been anyone’s MoH before). But still did not give any indication of having availability to meet up or jump on a call.
About a week after her initial excitement and “yes” response, she started making really weird excuses for why she might not be able to come. First she said it’s her son’s bday that weekend and asked if I could move the date. The wedding is 9 months out, and kids are USED to celebrating their birthdays early or late due to it landing on a school day sometimes, but regardless I still asked my coordinator if we could move it and no other options she had that month or the next we’re going to work for my sister (whose son is my ring bearer). So I tell her sorry I can’t move it. A few days go by and she says not only is it his birthday, but she has custody of her kids that weekend. Again…she has 9 months to figure this out. I ask if she can coordinate to switch weekends with her ex and she says she’d have to get a court order for that and they will only do it for family (and I’m not family). I tell her that my sister will be there with her kids and she is welcome to bring hers (she knows my sister and both her sons because she was their school teacher). She says she doesn’t want to have her kids there because she’d want to be able to party. I tell her my sister is Mormon and would be leaving early in the evening since they don’t drink or party, and could take her kids with until the morning for a sleepover with her kids. She says she doesn’t feel right making her kids go with ha stranger…again, she KNOWS my sister and her kids, and imo if all the kids are hanging out the whole wedding then they won’t seem like strangers by the time the evening comes, but I keep this to myself. I ask if her parents can watch them and she says her mom is rude and would make her feel bad for “missing time with her kids” (again we went to high school together, I grew up being over at her house, her mom loves me, and there is no way I see her saying with 9 months notice “you can’t go to Valerie’s wedding because you can’t miss even one weekend out of the whole year with your kids.” It’s clearly a very idiotic excuse). Finally I ask if her bf can watch them (he has kids too and they all just moved into a house together), and she says he definitely would but that she doesn’t want to go without him. I finally just tell her that I realize there may be a slight inconvenience with any of the available options, but that it would really mean the world to me if she could find a way to be there. No response for over 24 hours before she finally says she’ll keep me posted.
Another week after this and now she’s full-blown ghosting me. I tried texting to say NOTHING about the wedding and just “I know you’re super busy so no pressure, but would LOVE to find time for a call and hear all about your new house!” Crickets. It’s been almost a week and no response.
The only thing I can come up with (because she’s refusing to communicate to me wtf is up) is that she got tired of my depression during covid, decided I’m a bad friend, and moved on emotionally without telling me. I feel like I’m being punished for experiencing depression so severe that it almost ended my life.
Ok, now for my question lol. At this point I believe I will most likely not have an MoH. My other two bridesmaid/bridesman love me to death, but do NOT want to give any speeches (very shy lol). My fiancé’s sister is his “best woman” and giving his toast…and I feel like it’s going to make me really sad not to have the same for me because this whole situation has broken my heart and is very distressing. What would you folks do- cut the toasts altogether, ask his sister to somehow do one for me too even though we just met lol, or maybe ask my sister to do it even though she’s not in the bridal party? Does that matter? (She does not want to be the MoH because she already was in my previous wedding and also is Mormon and doesn’t want to be involved with things like bachelorette parties or staying at a reception where people are drinking etc). I’m just so sad about this.