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P
Savvy August 2019

Getting Ready but don’t want mil there

P, on May 8, 2019 at 3:22 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 28
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My mother and law and me have a tense and distant relationship. I have been with my fiancé for eight years and she has never liked me. She says very weird things to me ALL the time. Like just a couple days ago she was going on about how she loves my FH’s brother’s gf. They are both 18 and she is talking about how she can take wait for them to get married and how along she gets with her because she is traditional (I’m not traditional). She then asks questions about the wedding and when we show her things we are doing she scoffs and says things like “oh I would never do that” (in a very nasty tone). They also have racist tendencies. I’m Hispanic and my fiancée is white and they made me order for them in Spanish at a Mexican restaurant even though the waitress spoke English. They even asked me if what we were eating was traditional Mexican food even though I’m not Mexican. They then said that all Hispanics eat tacos. Which is not true at all. The entire experience was demeaning. Later on, the dad started yelling at me about how he hates Obama and about politics. He always does this to me. Worst part is that these are just examples from one week and it’s been eight years of this. My FH thinks that they are ridiculous with how they treat me. I could go on forever about weird things that they have said and done.

Regardless, she seemed hurt when she found out that she wasn’t invited to the getting ready room. My mom and her do not get along and she has made weird comments to my mom too. I love my FH so much and I want to make life easier for him. That’s the only reason I’m considering having this witch there. I’m just afraid that she is going to say something weird on my wedding day or do something to ruin the mood. What would you do?

28 Comments

Latest activity by Jessica, on May 9, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I wouldn't invite her. I can't imagine she is surprised she wasn't invited after the way she acts.

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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Not only would I not invite her to get ready with me, I wouldn’t be spending any time with his parents either. They’re racist behavior is disgusting and the fact that your FH allows that- has not set boundaries that it’s unacceptable and you won’t be spending time with them unless that changes- is just as bad.
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  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
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    I personally wouldn't let her in. I get along with my FMIL for the most part, but she's not going to be getting ready with us. It will just be my bridesmaids and my mom (in and out). If she asks why, I'd let your FH handle it as it's his mom. He should be standing up for you anyway. He needs to tell her that her words are hurtful and she needs to stop. This is only part of the reason she's not included in getting ready - you want it to be a happy time and not just want to punch her.

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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Their* racist behavior
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  • Amber
    Devoted April 2022
    Amber ·
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    I wouldn’t invite her to get ready with you. Do you really want that added stress on the morning of your wedding? You should be trying to relax, get ready and enjoy time with those closest to you. Sounds like she’ll just cause you added stress and drama. This isn’t the nicest thing to say, but given the comments FH’s family has made to you, I’m just going to say this: Nothing will change how she feels about you, whether you invite her to get ready with you or not. I’d tell her that the room isn’t big enough to accommodate everyone or something like that.
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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
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    First of all, sorry you are around people like that. I would never let that person get ready with me on my wedding day. You should be doing your best to be relaxed, not tense! I didn't invite my FMIL to get ready with me and she didn't ask. I agree with Mandy. If she tries to insert herself, FH should handle her. I hope it works out for you.
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  • Katie
    Devoted September 2020
    Katie ·
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    I don't think you should have her in the back getting ready with you. IMO that's for your bridal party and your family, inlaws aren't automatically included. In fact, maybe she should be with her son while he prepares for the wedding.
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  • OnCloudRawls
    VIP June 2019
    OnCloudRawls ·
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    I wouldn't want that negative and draining energy around me!!! I wouldn't invite her!

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  • P
    Savvy August 2019
    P ·
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    My FH and I never go see them because of how they act. And then they get mad that we don’t and blame it on me. They think I’m creating separation but they are doing it to themselves. FH doesn’t like to be around them either. He has told them a million times in private to stop bringing up politics and race with me but it continues. I really don’t think I’m going to invite her to get ready despite her taking it so personally. It’s so sad because I wish I could. It feels wrong to start a marriage out with so much tension. Wish we could all get along but I guess after eight years nothing is going to change.
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  • Jessica
    VIP October 2019
    Jessica ·
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    Nope. I would not let her around me on my wedding day. So sorry girl!

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  • Farrah
    Devoted September 2019
    Farrah ·
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    I wouldn’t invite her to get ready. My FHs mom and I get along okay (she’s not around that much), and I don’t plan on inviting her to get ready with us. It’s basically about you. if you have to even question it, just don’t invite her.
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  • C
    Super July 2019
    Crystal ·
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    I would not have her in the room. This is one thing I would put my foot down on. You do not need that negativity.
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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
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    That's a real shame! They've had their opportunities to forge bonds or even be polite. They dropped the ball. Do not feel bad for the mess they have made for themselves!
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  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
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    It's not common to have the MIL in the room getting ready with the bride and her party anyway. Don't even think twice about it.

    As for the family's racist behavior towards you, next time it happens, your FH should say something to them right then and there and if they continue, get up with you and leave. No more talking to them in private.

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  • Alicia
    VIP August 2019
    Alicia ·
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    Wow. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such ridiculously racist actions from your future in-laws. I think you should definitely not invite her. Your getting ready time should be exciting and happy, not full of rude scoffs and remarks!

    My FMIL and I have a great relationship, but our getting ready area is small, so I'm still limiting it the people around me, and she isn't going to be getting ready with us.

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  • Trista
    VIP September 2019
    Trista ·
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    If it were me, FMIL would be feeling lucky to even be invited to the wedding at all. My FMIL was a little weird about race when FH and I first started dating because they are black and she wanted her sons to be with black girls. But that didn't last long once she got to know me. I have zero patience for people being racist. Do not let her get ready with you.
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  • Vicki
    Dedicated September 2019
    Vicki ·
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    Clearly she doesn't care about your feelings, so why do you need to be sensitive to hers? I totally understand not wanting to start a marriage with that tension, but they are causing it, not you. Try not to let her get to you and I hope she doesn't say or do anything to ruin your day!
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  • Rachael
    Expert October 2019
    Rachael ·
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    Not only would I not invite her, but I've never heard of the FMIL being present for the bride getting ready unless she's extremely close to the bride, which clearly is not the case with the two of you.

    Her feelings are hurt in this, but what she isn't seeing is why you wouldn't want her there. She has hurt your feelings and treated you poorly for so long, no one would want her there if they were in your position

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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Yes, this! I have "trained" my FIL what I will not put up with (his misogyny and racism) by leaving the room when he starts off on one of his rants. I cannot control him. But I can tell him what I won't accept and then follow through by removing myself from his presence. I haven't had to do it often, but I just had to do it again recently (he's getting older and grumpier) and it was a good reminder for us all.

    I also wanted to say that you are not "making your FH's life easier" by allowing his mom to trample all over your feelings. She is who she is; nothing you do or don't do will change her. It's not your fault or your responsibility.

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  • Maggie
    Super April 2020
    Maggie ·
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    Don’t invite her! If she questions it again you can simply state that you want to get ready with YOUR wedding party and that you don’t want any added stress. Or if you want to go the higher road simply tell her that you think it would be more traditional if she stays with the groom until the ceremony
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