Hello everyone,
I am recently engaged, and we are looking at a summer 2021 wedding in Denver. We would like to do a Sunday. We had been together for four years and have lived together the past two. One of my hesitations in getting engaged was that the wedding would get out of control. I do not want a big wedding, and I always thought secretly that she did. We are both 40 years old and getting married for the first time. She comforted me, and said that she would keep my fears in mind and that we could have a really nice wedding without it getting out of control. I come from a small town with blue-collar (and wonderful) family. She comes from the city with wealthy parents that are attorneys. She is also Jewish, and I am Christian. This is the first wedding for her mom (her two sisters never married), and I was afraid it would get out of control and too big. They have unending financial resources, and I think want a big fancy wedding. I told my fiancee many times that I had this fear. I want my family to feel comfortable at the wedding too. I didn't want a big wedding and would have been just fine with family and 10-20 friends, but I knew this was important to her so I backed off. We talked about around 100 total people at the wedding. I have a small family, and since I have only been in the area for a few years, I do not have a large group of friends that I would invite. I thought I would maybe have 20-25 friends and family attend. I told her I thought it could make my family uncomfortable if her guests were 3 or 4 times the number of mine. It was also important to me that we honor both of our faiths in the wedding, but it was important to her to have a rabbi officiate which was ok with me.
Fast forward to our engagement, which was really nice. Both of our parents were very excited and happy. Then, just two days after the engagement, she tells me that "Oh, I emailed my mom a list of venues". I was under the impression that we would look at venues together and discuss, again because I wanted to be sure it wasn't over the top and so my family would feel comfortable. I see the list and it is all high-end $100 per guest-plus places, Four Seasons Hotel, etc. Again, one of my fears. Then a couple of days after that she tells me that her mom has forty of HER friends flying in to Denver for the wedding. She had called all of them the day after our engagement and invited them. What happened to 100? And, my fiancee has probably 40-50 friends that she will invite. So, now I worry that my guests will be dwarfed by her number of guests. I just love my family and I want them to feel comfortable. Is it asking too much for me to want a wedding where my family will fit in?
We are supposed to look at venues this weekend then set a date once we find one. Am I crazy for feeling as if my fears are coming true? I had a feeling this would happen and I repeatedly told my fiancee prior to our engagement that this was a fear I had. I also wanted us to pay for some of the things, as we have the financial resources to do so. She keeps imply that her parents want to, and her parents have no limit to what they will spend. I am afraid that once things get going with the planning, they will start paying for this high-priced things and it will turn in to "well, they're paying for it." We have money, but we cannot afford a $150 per guest reception. But her parents can... And, I think since they're bringing so many of THEIR friends in, they'll want to spend big $$$ to impress...
Any advice, and has anyone else encountered this? I love my fiancee and we have so much in common, we just come from completely different backgrounds. So far, I have been really disappointed that she hasn't respected my wishes at all. She says, "I have envisioned this for years." Am I asking too much for things to be a little more down to earth so my family and friends feel comfortable? Thank you all in advance.
