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Just Said Yes August 2020

Getting married month before bride's cousin

Shane, on December 8, 2019 at 7:10 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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Hi everyone. So this has caused quite a bit of drama for my wife to be. We got engaged a few months ago and decided we want to get married next year. We decided on April and paid deposit but when we shared news with girlfriends brother he said it would be extremely difficulr ro get time off work as its his busiest month of year. We panicked at first but then decided we'd change dates. The only time we could change it to was August as place was fully booked until then (very popular venue). It had to be either midterm April or summer as a lot of my siblings are teachers so only time they could attend as they live abroad (Australia, middle east etc ). Luckily they were able to change the dates without charging any extra fee, however it was a month before gf's cousin. I also should add it is only our immediate families going to wedding. We are having a party when we get home for all our friends and extended family but its a low key event in local pub, probably a bbq. That will be two weeks before hers. My gf's cousin has not had the reaction we were hoping for, either has her mother. She said we should have asked, it's bad manners, that they planned theirs for ages and we cut in front. Are we being rude here? Never thought it would be an issue until their reaction.

21 Comments

Latest activity by Jennifer, on December 10, 2019 at 2:13 PM
  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    No. You're not being rude. Technically, getting married in April, when you had originally planned, is still getting married before the cousin. Who cares? The world doesn't revolve around her. She chose to wait longer to get married. You didn't. You moved your date for family to be able to attend. That was important to you and your date now is the only way you could have made that happen. You cant please everyone.
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  • N
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
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    The timing sucks but it's not rude. These things happen all the time. I think that you did the best you could to include those that mattered to you and secure the venue you wanted. Do the guests have to travel from out of town twice in the same month for the weddings?

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  • A
    Super February 2020
    Andrea ·
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    I don't think it's rude. You guys are planning for that date and it shouldn't be an issue for her cousin. The later date shouldn't even affect you and your FW, it's not like it's a week difference - it's a whole month!

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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    I don’t know what they’re upset about. Having a wedding doesn’t mean life stops and nothing else can occur in the same month. You have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to be sorry for.
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  • S
    Just Said Yes August 2020
    Shane ·
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    GF's immediate family going to wedding have to fly to different UK from Ireland. We paid for their flights and they will all still be going to her cousins wedding. The party/bbq when we get home is just a night out really in local pub so only about 15 minutes drive for all of the people who would be invited to both. Should be an inexpensive night out for everyone as we are paying for food and first drink etc . If anything her big day will look even better in comparison to our low key event.
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  • N
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
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    Ok, think you will be fine then. Let her cousin have her moment and move on with planning your big day!

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  • Rhianna
    Devoted April 2020
    Rhianna ·
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    You're not being rude. You are planning YOUR wedding for the time that is convenient for YOU and your immediate family. You certainly don't have to consult with anyone on when you and your fiance get married.


    Plenty of people got engaged after us and are getting married before us, that we're invited to. They didn't have to ask us first. We have 6 weddings to attend in 2020 plus all the pre wedding festivities (bridal showers & bachelorette parties) and I would NEVER expect anyone to ask me if they can get married on a certain date.
    The point is, everyone has major life events going on and you need to do what's best for you. Nothing else matters.
    Congrats!
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  • Danielle
    Devoted May 2021
    Danielle ·
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    No, you’re not being rude. You clearly were trying to make it work for everyone (which is very considerate!), unfortunately you can’t please everyone. We are in a similar situation, my fiancé’s cousins are getting married in September and us in November... we have so much in place and done on our check list and they haven’t even started! We haven’t even told them because we don’t want them to feel “one upped”... I feel your pain, hopefully they understand it didn’t come from a bad place
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  • Danielle
    Devoted May 2021
    Danielle ·
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    Also want to point out my cousin will most likely have the same reaction as your fiancées cousin, she’s older and I’m getting married before her... people just want a reason to be upset
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  • Destiny
    VIP May 2020
    Destiny ·
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    Cutting in front ? seriously is she 5? she needs to adult up and put her big girl shoes on and get over it. we're having our wedding at the beginning of may and a family relative of fh is at the end and she just lold n said cool see you in may! NOT RUDE AT ALL!

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  • Simone
    Dedicated April 2021
    Simone ·
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    Um no, I don’t see it as being rude. Stuff happens; I would only perceive it as rude if you maliciously planned for it to be right in front of hers when you knew family couldn’t afford to make it to both weddings.
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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    I agree with PPs. You're not being rude! This cousin needs to grow up and realize the world doesn't revolve around her

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  • S
    Just Said Yes August 2020
    Shane ·
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    Thanks everyone for your responses. It looks to be fairly unanimous so we're less worried now. It's also worth saying that FW and her cousin aren't close and only see eachother when they both visit their nan or the odd family occasion, i've seen her about 3 times in last 6 years so the idea of getting her permission before to get married was never going to sit well with me. It's just unfortunate that what should have been happy and exciting news has turned out to be something that side of the family don't discuss for fear of starting arguements. Their mothers see eachother every Sunday when they all call to their own mother so hopefully this wont lead to them falling out. Anyway it is what it is.
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  • Crystal
    Devoted October 2020
    Crystal ·
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    A month before? No. The week before? Yes.


    I can understand the fear of maybe having your weddings compared, but if it’s small, (like it sounds) i don’t think you’ll outshine hers.

    My brothers wife, didn’t tell us her sister was engaged or that she set the date. When I went to tell the family, we both had the same date. So I’m out my brother and niece because his wife is self centered. (Note, we told everyone we were thinking fall 2020 and she said nothing.) that’s something to be angry about, not a month before.
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    Okay, I’ll play devil’s advocate. No, you’re not rude. I’ll say that up front. BUT - if I’d been planning my wedding for so long and suddenly someone in our family decided to have theirs a month before mine, I’m mature enough to admit that I am PETTY enough that this would really piss me off. Is it right or wrong of me? I don’t know. Feelings are feelings and they are valid. I don’t think it’s right of her to take it out on you guys, but I do think you could have taken a second to consider that it MIGHT bother her. Again, it’s your life and your wedding. You don’t need to bend to everyone’s will. But I would be just as angry if that was me. I’m surprised no one else here seems to think she’s having an even remotely normal reaction.
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    Again, the part where I think she’s being very immature and is 100% wrong is acting on her anger towards you.
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  • S
    Just Said Yes August 2020
    Shane ·
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    Thanks for your input here and i do appreciate your opinion. I think its because my gf and I are both very laid back and if it was the way round we would be happy for anyone. We probably did underestimate how much of a big deal this would be to them but we really didn't expect to fall out over it. Like i said before it really wasn't a choice of dates, it was either have it in August or lose deposit and my siblings couldn't attend. Also while the wedding is obviously important the idea of marriage for us was much more important, we want to start our married lives as soon as possible including starting a family so dont want to put this off any longer then next year.
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    I think that absolutely makes sense. And you’re absolutely right - the wedding is one day, but the marriage is what makes sense. I don’t think you were wrong or rude, but I also understand why she would be upset. I would be too. I just think she’s being very childish if she’s acting on that and acting like what towards you. I also think she needs to take a step back and understand that’s NOT the kind of people you are, which it sounds like she’s assuming you did it to upset her. She needs to understand you better and I think you may need to understand her a bit better too.
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  • Ivy ORP
    VIP October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
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    I think it is absolutely absurd that some people think anything up to 6 months either side of "their" day (yes, I have read that post too) is sacred and cannot be chosen by other couples. While I get that it may be difficult for some relatives to travel to both, there is no reason to not have a wedding an entire month before someone else's. Really, unless you were getting married the same week, there is no rudeness here at all.

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  • S
    Just Said Yes August 2020
    Shane ·
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    Thanks Ivy. I agree. I suppose we always hated the spotlight so it's a completely alien concept to us but i suppose there are people like that, we just didnt think she'd have such a high opinion of her own self importance.
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