Gender neutral pronouns at wedding?

Hey
At my job they taught us to use pronouns such as:" them and they"...

Depending on your officiant, they probably have a ceremony package that includes this. Our officiant gave us a package that include several options for ceremonies. I would definitely ask them.

I think the most important thing to do will be to find and choose an officiant who understands and respects your wishes and will be mindful to incorporate gender neutral pronouns during the ceremony. Plus, a quick Google search for “gender neutral wedding ceremony” will give you some ideas that you may like and may be helpful.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I did plan a meeting to talk with my pastor who is LGBT friendly already

I think the best way is to address you and your partner (soon to be spouse) by name, and then at the end your officiant can say, “I now pronounce you married” or something along those lines. Although I am heterosexual I don’t like the idea of “You can kiss the bride.” I was trying to think of something else to say like “You can kiss each other,” Or “You may now kiss your spouse.” Maybe it’s a lot of thinking going into it.

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Agree with this! I am LGBT+ but not out to my family and can pass as straight since I'm a girl marrying a guy lol but I prefer to have wording that includes both individuals like "you may kiss each other" since it's not a one way marriage lol! I can't speak for you though, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable!

PS: so great that your officiant is LGBT friendly! I was glad to find one here in Texas where its not so friendly to us

Brilliant suggestions from the prior posters already! I just wanted to say I'm glad you are making your wedding ceremony fit and represent you and your future spouse, instead of just a cookie-cutter template! Best wishes for your planning and for your marriage!

View Quoted Comment Our officially planned to say “you may now kiss your bride” and I asked him to change it to “you may not seal your vows with a kiss.”

I agree with other PP to discuss this with whomever is performing the ceremonyThey'll definitely be able to help come up with something for the ceremony.

And reach out to your DJ or whoever is doing introduction so they are aware

My sister just got married and is lgbtq. They wanted a very gender neutral ceremony as well. Their officiant used partner and spouse in place where bride or groom would go and it was very nice! I would work with your officiant to come up with your vows. At the end it was ‘ I now pronounce you a married couple’ and ‘ you may now kiss the one you love’ im sure you’ll be able to find just the right words! Good luck

I’m glad you have an officiant that is supportive, I’m sure they will be able to help you with a template and create a beautiful ceremony for you! Google has helped me a ton with writing a ceremony and vows, there are tons of examples that I feel can easily be tweaked. I hope you are able to find some good resources as well.
As far as family, it depends on how much of an explanation you want to give, but I don’t really know that any is necessary. Your wedding ceremony should reflect the two of you, after all it’s the outward expression of your love and commitment and no one should be offended by that. Thinking about our ceremony script the only time personal pronouns are used is when the officiant is asking us questions for the “I do’s,” generally he’s referring to us collectively, and a LBGT friendly pastor may already have an alternative for you without having much rewriting. If someone (especially family) is bothered by the way you identify, that’s absolutely their issue not yours. Try not to over think it in regards to explaining (easier said than done for me!). No one should nitpick the words that are being used to join you and your spouse. Best wishes to you both!

View Quoted Comment Thank you everyone for the support! These are really great suggestions. Now I know what to say when I go into the meeting with my officiant

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We joked with this at our elopement. Our officiant said to me "You may kiss your husband!" :-D

OP, as others have suggested, your officiant is probably your best resource to work out how to honor who you really are without rocking the boat too much (unless you decide you WANT to rock the boat. In that case, rock on!). Unless your family is expecting a super traditional ceremony, there is a TON of room to customize a ceremony script to your liking.

Definitely choose an officiant that has experience with LGBTQ+ couples. Our officiant had done several same sex weddings and sent us the "script" she typically used and we loved it. So an experienced officiant should be able to help with this.

That being said, I like the idea of addressing you and your future spouse by your names instead of gender pronouns. Then at the end of your ceremony you can have your officiant say "I now pronounce you married!". My wife and I did that instead of "I now pronounce you wife and wife" which we thought sounded silly .

You can definitely change the wording to suit you and your future spouse! A lot of wedding verbiage is sexist anyway.

Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded spouse*?

Do you take Melissa, instead of "this woman"... (I guess the easiest way is just to avoid pronouns and other gendered words all together.)

You may now kiss each other.

I now pronounce you married.

Introducing for the first time as a married couple, Melissa and Spouse. (First names only).

Even if you're changing your name in a way that's reminiscent of a typical heterosexual marriage, I'd avoid anything that forces you to use Mr./Mrs./Mx./Whatever

*I was going to say partner, but partner was used euphemistically to refer to gay couples for a long time, so older relatives will probably be suspicious/confused if you go that route.

DH and I are straight and cis, and our officiant used a lot of gender neutral wording. Partly because we asked him to, partly because of our crowd, and partly because I get really spiky about the patriarchy. (...Obey is not a word in my vocabulary.. not that DH would even try... And he's the cook in the family.)

An officiant that you mesh with will totally work this out for you, and you can apply the same care to your invitations, programs, or other paper goods.

The "vendors" tab at the top of the page can help you with officiants, or you can poke around your local LGBTQ+ groups. I know my area has a LOT of civil officiants who are part of the community.

Also, since I didn't take his name, our DJ just announced us as our names, but as "appearing for the first time as newlyweds..."

It's super easy to take out the gendering, and most people won't even notice.