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Beginner October 2019

Future sil isn’t participating as Bridesmaid

Bambi, on May 28, 2019 at 10:29 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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I’m in a pickle, we are 4 months away from being done with the terror that is wedding planning (cue excitement and fear). My FSIL (almost Hubby’s little sister), has been a thorn in my side, she will come to the meetings, participate, seem excited and sign up for tasks. HOWEVER, after the fact she doesn’t follow through, she still hasn’t purchased her dress (they were supposed to have them by the end of March), as we get closer to the wedding, and I’m trying to lean on the ladies (2 are his sisters, one is mine and the MOH is my best friend), the more cold and distant she is getting. We have planned the bachelorette party weekend as a spa retreat that comes to about $209 for the entire weekend per lady. She is now stating that she can’t afford that and is unwilling to save up (it’s in two months). As she’s still not purchased her dress , and is unwilling to do the Bachelorette party- is it rude to ask her to step down and have her sit with the family? I chose my bridal party because I wanted a small, family affair, this is not what I was expecting within my own family dynamics. What should I do?

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Latest activity by karen, on May 28, 2019 at 3:18 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on May 28, 2019 at 10:33 AM
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She isn’t required to participate in the bachelorette party or attend meetings or do anything else but get the dress. I’d expect it to completely alter your relationship with his family if you ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid. If she doesn’t get the dress she can be a guest, but other than that you shouldn’t be asking her to step down.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on May 28, 2019 at 10:35 AM
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It sounds like you're asking a lot of your bridal party ie. attending meetings and signing up for tasks. This seems like more of a salaried position than an honor. I'm not sure there's any way to kick her out of the bridal party without damaging your relationship and possibly relationships with your other in laws as well. She's not required to attend any bachelorette party, let alone a $200+ plus event. If she can't afford it, let it go. Let her know that if she doesn't have her dress when the wedding day arrives, she can sit as a guest. It sounds like lowering your expectations would be beneficial for everyone involved.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on May 28, 2019 at 10:48 AM
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Asking someone to “step down” from your bridal party is something you do when you’re ready for a friend to be out of your life entirely. It is not something you can do to someone who will be your sister in law without starting MAJOR drama and entering into a marriage on rocky ground with the in laws. It’s a terrible move. Just reset your expectations — hope for the best but don’t expect anything from her. If she gets the dress, great. If she doesn’t, *then* she can sit with the family instead of standing with the bridesmaids.
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Beginner October 2019
Bambi · on May 28, 2019 at 10:50 AM
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I should clarify, as this came across Bridezilla-y.
We have choose to do 2 sit in meetings as a group because of the girls, as they wanted to sit down with notes. The dresses are picked off
Amazon, for $23, I’ve purchased the jewelry for them and found $15 shoes. The bachelorette party is where I will also be altering each of their dresses to better to reflect their personalities. (I’m a seamstress as a hobby) and will need them there for fittings. The cost includes room, food, spa and wine tasting. And we planned on carpooling to keep costs down. I’ve also planned on paying for their robes for spa/alterations , their hair for the wedding and gift cards at the end.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on May 28, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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It might actually work out that she’s a flake. Y’all may have a better time if she doesn’t go on the bachelorette weekend. If she doesn’t get her dress, she doesn’t get ready with you & will attend as a guest. It’s disappointing she made such an initial fuss but she may end up removing herself which may be better anyway.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on May 28, 2019 at 11:03 AM
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None of this matters. If the dress is on Amazon it’ll take a few weeks at most (if not prime) to come in. You can figure out a time to do her alterations that doesn’t require her to spend another $200+.
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VIP August 2013
MAMW · on May 28, 2019 at 11:07 AM
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Even with your clarifications, I still agree with the other posters that you should lower your expectations and definitely not kick her out.
If the dress is off Amazon, then it shouldn't take too long to get delivered so I wouldn't worry about this 4+ months out. Also, can you alter her dress at another time or let her go to a seamstress of her choosing?
And I also agree with others that she doesn't have to come to the bachelorette. While I think that $200-ish dollars isn't too bad for what you have planned for the weekend, it still isn't your (or anyone else's) place to tell someone that it is a good price for them.
Not all of my bridesmaids attended my bachelorette or shower, and everything was fine. Of course I wished they could have been there, but my wedding didn't always fit in with their plans and what they had going on in their lives.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on May 28, 2019 at 11:17 AM
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Can she afford the dress? Has your fiance talked to her on why she is waiting to get it? That seems early for an October wedding, my girls ordered them by April for our July wedding. I wouldn't worry about the bachelorette, she just can't go, not a big deal! All my BM weren't able to make my party.
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on May 28, 2019 at 11:17 AM
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I would say bachelorette partys are optional.
When my brothet got married, i didnt attend my sister in laws party- i had just had a medical procedure and i couldnt afford.
I think $200 per bridesmaid is alot to ask. And eventhough you said she had 2 months to save...you dont know her financial situation and cant assume she can save that within 2 months.
Also i think asking her to step down eventhough she seems less then interested in your wedding.. i think would alter your relationship with now and in the future.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on May 28, 2019 at 11:57 AM
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I want to second everything Caytlyn said. And also, "she will come to the meetings, participate, seem excited and sign up for tasks" sounds a lot like a job and not at all like an honorary position for a loved one. I read your second post and I still strongly urge you to reconsider how you are reacting to all of this.
Pick your battles, now and throughout your life, and you will be much more content.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on May 28, 2019 at 12:33 PM
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If you're not close consider it a blessing she can't come to the spa. I personally think $200+ is way too much money to expect someone to pay for and you should let that go.
I would remove any expectations from her from here on out, at the least.
Overall your fiance should ask her why she didn't get the dress by the deadline. See what she says. Talk to your fiance and come up with a new deadline she needs the dress by, and have your fiance tell his sister she needs her dress in her hands by that date or she cannot be a bridesmaid. Frankly there's no excuse for not ordering it on time and not telling the bride.
I disagree with others saying all bridesmaids need to do is buy a dress and show up, where I live being a bridesmaid meaning volunteering for a job to help prep. I have noticed on WW that different regions have different customs on that though.
Your husband should deal with his own sister
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Master October 2017
karen · on May 28, 2019 at 3:18 PM
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As long as she can get the dress, keep her in. Just accept she will not be at the bachelorette. You can help her with alterations some other time. If your concern is that if she doesn't come, her sister won't either and the weekend will fall apart, just accept it. Please do not force the younger one into things that just do not work for her.
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