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Dedicated September 2019

Future Mother In Law Inviting Too Many People

Teresa, on January 24, 2019 at 11:52 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14
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Hey Guys!

Looking for help on how to handle this issue: My Future MIL wants to invite twenty more people than what the budget will allow. Here's a bit of backstory...my FH comes from a poverty stricken background while I come from a Middle Class background. He lived the first half of his life in a small trailer with no bedroom. He slept on the couch. His entire family has implied that the wedding reception i'm holding is "too much" and "too expensive". Just a note...,my mother has contributed $7,000 to the wedding fund and i'm trying to stay under that budget with pretty good results...until now! The extra people on her list is going to get us $2000 over the budget and I am not happy with that. My FH is angry at his Mom for not understanding the budget but also semi-annoyed at me...he thinks having a pizza party would've allowed him to invite more people. (ugh) FMIL hasn't offered up any extra money and has even threatened to not come to her only son's wedding! Granted the people she wants to invite are aunts and uncles whom my FH hasn't spoke to in years. FH wants to only invite his close friends instead. Any ideas on how to handle this situation without blowing a gasket over all of this drama?

14 Comments

Latest activity by Teresa, on January 25, 2019 at 2:34 PM
  • M&M Bride
    Super September 2018
    M&M Bride ·
    • Flag

    Is your FMIL paying for any portion of the wedding? If she isn't then she shouldn't get a say in the guest list. If she is then you might need your FH to talk to her to explain the extra costs associated with the extra guests. It's more than just the food cost, it's also additional invitations, centerpieces, linen, ect.

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  • Mrs. J Robinson
    Super March 2019
    Mrs. J Robinson ·
    • Flag
    I’m going through the same thing now. My FMIL has added sooo many people to the guest list that dealing with our guest list just unbearable. From someone who is going through the same thing, my advice to you is If she is wanting to invite extra people y’all have to be stern and let her know that SHE will be the one to pay for them to be there. Usually the venue charges per head for anyone extra, so she needs to commit to paying that. If not, then they aren’t invited. Your wedding is about spending time with the people who you’re close to you, don’t let her ruin that for you guys
    • Reply
  • MAMW
    VIP August 2013
    MAMW ·
    • Flag

    I would make sure that your FH is the one doing all of the communicating with his mom about this. She can think your wedding is too expensive but if she's not paying towards it then it doesn't really matter.

    Your FH needs to be firm - "Mom, the guest list is finalized, and we will not be discussing it any further."

    No mention of costs, just one sentence. I personally wouldn't tell her that she can have the extra guests if she pays, unless she is ready to put the money in your hand immediately. If she pushes, he needs to tell her that if she continues to try to get him to change the list after he's already told her he won't be discussing it further, that he is going to leave.

    If she chooses not to come to her son's wedding because he won't go over budget by a significant amount, then that is her choice. I would think though that once you guys call her bluff, she'll be singing a different tune.

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  • O
    Dedicated September 2019
    Oregonbride ·
    • Flag
    Are you keeping the wedding small? Our wedding is 50 to 60 guests. That's it, and we were very firm about only inviting immediate aunts and uncles. As a compromise, we offered to hold an informal reception/dinner party for his extended family (they live in another state) at a later date when we could afford it and they could all make it.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    VIP August 2018
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately you are just going to have to tell her no. She needs to be told that you have a budget and a guest list and those people don't fit on either of them.

    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    Given his background, I'm surprised that your FH hasn't immediately told his mother no way. Since she isn't contributing financially, she really has no say whatsoever as to how many guests and who you invite. But since she is his mother, FH should be the one to address this with her. You both just need to put your foot down, kindly but firmly, that our number is XX, and we will not go over that number. BTW, $7000 is not a huge budget, and I think you're doing a great job staying under that number. It might seem huge to someone who grew up poor, but if you look around, you'll see people spending a lot more than that.

    • Reply
  • M
    Super November 2019
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    Sit with both of them and explain that the budget doesnt allow for more people. If shes not satisfied with that answer and still wants to invite her people, tell her to cough up the extra money. If she cant or she refuses, tell her too bad.
    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I would either talk to her or have your fiance talk to her. If they weren't on the original guest list you created with your fiance, then they can't be invited unless she pays X per person. Then calculate exactly what each extra person costs you.

    • Reply
  • Kirsten
    Dedicated June 2019
    Kirsten ·
    • Flag
    Oh I'm sorry you have to go through this. I would say you have to talk to your FH and have him talk to his mother. I had to have my FH tell his mother she wasn't coming to a few appointments. She just assumed she could come because she called and got them set up for us. I did not ask her to do this and I was actually a bit irritated she did because I said I was going to call myself. So I understand what you are going through. My FMIL has people on the guest list that neither my FH or I have met and live out of the country.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Dedicated March 2020
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I don’t have any future in laws as they are both deceased. But my mother, my FH and I are contributing to the wedding my FSIL gave us money to put down on any vendor we wanted. I would tell her no, it’s over your budget. I think the whole thing about not showing up is unnecessary drama and I think it’s a bluff. This is your day not hers. Don’t let her make t about her. You deserve to have it the way you want it!
    • Reply
  • Tara
    Master May 2020
    Tara ·
    • Flag
    Simply tell her that she is welcome to invite whoever she likes if she’s willing to pay the difference above your budget.
    • Reply
  • Alejandra
    Super March 2019
    Alejandra ·
    • Flag

    No pay, she got no say! Tell her to put up the money for all of the guests she wants to invite. During our 1st wedding planning conversation my FMIL told us that we needed to start asking people to pay for the things for our wedding. Now this is big in the Hispanic culture to have "Padrinos" or "god-parents" and I am Hispanic but that was not what I had in mind because as we all know if you pay then you have a say. Plus I didn't want our wedding to be a product of what other people felt was good enough for us but what we thought was good enough for us and our guests, once we shot down that idea she didn't have any other to give me so that was that. Sometimes, especially during wedding planning, you have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated September 2019
    Teresa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    No she has no offered up any money.

    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated September 2019
    Teresa ·
    • Flag

    Thanks so much guys!

    I will talk to the FH and tell him what the deal is going forward. I'll leave it up to them...if they want to invite extra people then they can pay for those people.

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