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Future mil withdrawing wedding $

SLB2021, on April 25, 2021 at 10:32 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13

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Hey everyone! So my boyfriend of 2.5 years family is pretty nuts.. I love him and see a future with him so I’m asking this question to future proof the inevitable. This is towards his future sister in laws situation but I can see some of this happening to me when my time comes.

I’m pretty close with my bf’s future sister in law who is marrying my bf’s bro in the fall. I’ve seen everything unfold from his side of the family and what taking his parents money for a portion of the wedding really means. Future MIL is forcing a religious ceremony on them when that’s something my future sis in law isn’t comfortable with. MIL threatened to not invite her side of the family for a “big party” then. ALSO, This past weekend my bf’s mom went to an unplugged wedding where she claims she didn’t see a sign. The MC called her out to put her phone away and she DID NOT like that (as exclaimed in text with all of us). My bro’s future sister in-law said that’s pretty normal and she will be having an unplugged wedding this fall as well just as a heads up. Bf’s mom then replies to her saying “noooo why???!! Family gets an exception. Mama does. Otherwise we are withdrawing our financial support.”...Like WHAT?!
Anyways, how do you decline money from your future in laws for your wedding without being rude? I’m already thinking about how she is handling my bf’s brothers wedding and can’t imagine how it’ll be when her last son (my bf & also the oldest) gets married. I refuse for someone to hold money over my head and make a day about a couple, about them. Also, I want an unplugged ceremony as well and refuse for her to be in the front row looking tacky with her phone out. Any advice here?

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13 Comments

Latest activity by SLB2021, on April 26, 2021 at 10:15 AM

SLB2021 · on April 25, 2021 at 10:35 PM
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My bf’s future sister in-law said that’s pretty normal***

Sorry if that was confusing ^
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Legend July 2022
Lisa · on April 25, 2021 at 10:40 PM
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I wouldn't stress about this now, since she hasn't offered money for your wedding yet. Once you are officially engaged and beginning your wedding planning, if she offers money, then your fiance could reply to her with something along the lines of, "We really appreciate your offer! It means a lot to us. However, we prefer to finance our wedding ourselves, so thank you for your offer, but we respectfully decline."
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Dedicated June 2019
Melanie · on April 25, 2021 at 10:49 PM
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I agree with Lisa on this. I also want to add, in terms of the unplugged wedding, maybe have an usher/s telling everyone to put away and turn off their phones as well as a sign. I wouldn't stress about it now though.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on April 25, 2021 at 10:53 PM
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You have to be blunt. Say you will be planning a wedding that fits your vision with the money you have.
Honestly it sounds like they need to set serious boundaries with mom and if she continually refuses to respect that, go no contact with her but don’t cut off other family who isn’t an energy vampire.
Best of luck!
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August 2020
JM Sunshine · on April 25, 2021 at 10:55 PM
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I couldn't agree more!
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Super February 2022
Grace · on April 25, 2021 at 11:10 PM
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If your family are contributing to your wedding then you can just tell her that it is covered and you dont want to offend your parents by taking her money too (definitely an excuse I have heard before). This may or may not work depending on where you live and who traditionally pays for wedding expenses in your respective cultures.

If you and your bf are paying for everything yourselves, just tell her that you have it all budgeted out financially and want to keep things simple anyway so no need for additional funds! That would just be unnecessary since you already have enough for exactly what you want. (This only works if it is actually true, otherwise she will bring it up for years that your spurned her kind offer and suffered because of it).

Regardless, be fully prepared for her to complain about everything since she will not be getting her way.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on April 25, 2021 at 11:10 PM
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It's fine to politely ask guests to limit phone use, but to have the MC call people out for checking their phone is rude and extremely over the line. Your FMIL was spot on. You never know why someone is looking at their phone, you don't get to require that people cut themselves off from the outside world for your event. (Actually one of my past discussions about a phone bowl covered a lot of this)
But how do you decline money? Just say no thank you. That's it. "We would really prefer to pay for the wedding ourselves so we can make the decisions that work for us. Thank you for the generous offer, we just can't accept."
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August 2020
JM Sunshine · on April 25, 2021 at 11:26 PM
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On a side note, I hated most of the pictures our photographer took and was so grateful for the ones my MIL took. They actually were the ones I used to make my album. I certainly understand not wanting any pictures posted to social media, but I so appreciated all of the candid raw photos.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on April 26, 2021 at 9:05 AM
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"We appreciate the offer! However, we have set a budget so that we will be able to finance our wedding ourselves."
I would not say anything about "we're doing this so we can have it our way" because that leaves room for offense to be taken. Simply leave it at: you will be financing it yourselves.
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on April 26, 2021 at 9:59 AM
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I wouldn't stress about this until you get engaged and actually encounter this problem.
However, you can easily just say you are not interested in her financial assistance. That is not rude and there is no rule stating you have to accept her money.
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SLB2021 · on April 26, 2021 at 10:06 AM
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Thank you everyone! I love the insight and different opinions. This is something I definitely don’t have to worry about yet but it’s a reoccurring theme being in this family so I wanted to get everyone’s opinions! Thank you!!
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SLB2021 · on April 26, 2021 at 10:11 AM
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Good point!! My family won’t be contributing a lump sum but would be happy to take care of something small for the day. My parents paid for their own wedding and my dad has been laid off during the pandemic with no sight of going back to work so my mom is the sole contributor and they struggle without saying they struggle. I wouldn’t expect them to pay for it although that’s kinda wacky here in the south and people don’t understand! I’d rather keep it simple and do it ourselves than take $ from just one side anyways. Seems fair to me. I am fully prepared for her complaints! Lolll
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SLB2021 · on April 26, 2021 at 10:15 AM
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Very true! I saw another idea somewhere where they announced the ceremony will be unplugged but let everyone know there will be a time to take out your phone during the ceremony for a minute to capture a pic they want and thought that could be a good compromise even. Just limit the time so phones aren’t in the photographers pics or the video.
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