Future mil making wedding planning a nightmare

Has he tried talking to some other family members himself instead of just relaying info through his mom? I bet they would be understanding and still come next year if he just talked to them himself. It doesn't have to be his mom's way or the highway. And his mom doesn't have to be the in between between the rest of the family.

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I really would like him to talk to them directly, but I'm having a hard time convincing him to do so. At this point, maybe I should talk to them? Or be the one to talk to his mom?

I’m so sorry you are having to make these decisions. I must say it makes me angry that FH’s mom is saying no one will want to come if it isn’t your real wedding. That’s ridiculous. I agree with PP, have FH reach out to some other family members and talk to them. Let them know the situation and see what their thoughts are with celebrating with you at a later date.

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I hope that would work. It really is sad to me that she keeps saying it. FH is heartbroken and feels like he is missing out.

I had to accept that I have extended family who won't come because they are feuding with my parents, so I understand how he feels, but I hope his family will come around.

Not sure of family dynamics of course, but I would think most people would want to come for a celebration. Who is going to say no to a chance to eat, drink, and dance, even if it is not a wedding? Of course people say no in general, but typically I'd think people wouldn't not come just because it wasn't the real wedding. Most should be understanding of the circumstances you are in right now given COVID. I think it is pretty unreasonable for FMIL to be upset about not having a big wedding this year... like, this is not a thing that is legal in most states right now??? I would reach out to any family members you know and/or are comfortable with and say hey what do you think if we did this?

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That's the crazy thing to me too. FH says they hate to travel and would only do so for a wedding (of course, I haven't heard this from them directly, which I need to). He also says that he agrees that a celebration is less important than a wedding--when I wholeheartedly disagree! I am so excited to celebrate with my friends who have eloped during this time because we didn't get to celebrate on their wedding day. I am still honored they included me!

And they know people having big weddings, so FMIL is convinced I could do it. Even though we really truly cannot.

Oh honey, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with other comments, I bet his family would be more than happy to celebrate with you guys next year. Is there anyone in his family that you feel comfortable talking to one on one, to get some feedback?

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I don't know many members of his extended family well, except for his grandparents. He definitely is more familiar with my extended family. Maybe FH would let me email them? I don't want them to feel put on the spot by calling out of the blue. I asked my cousins about coming, but my mom was the one to ask my aunts and uncles.

I am sorry. The problem isn't your MiL. It's your future husband. You and he need to be able to have an open dialog about important, time sensitive decisions. There are many creative ways to celebrate with family if they can't be physically present for a wedding. Zoom an elopement, have immediate family only, mail out marriage announcements, etc.


I'd recommend couples counseling, but he may benefit more from individual therapy. It's one thing to grieve a postponed wedding, it's another to freeze up entirely

This is an FH problem, not a you problem. This is an FH needs to sit down with his mother and be like, REALLY? They won't recognize that the world stopped and this is our only option?

His mother sounds controlling... and manipulative, as well.

You two need to figure out what *you two* want, then tell the family, and after that... it's all on them. And what they decide reflects on *them*, not you.

But your FH needs to talk to his mother... and his family... separately...

Don't let her control your decision making. Give her this one, she'll try making them for the rest of your life.

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I really appreciate this comment. He has told me before that he struggles to make decisions quickly and often let's things pass by instead. But he thinks it is a good thing because he is never rash. Which it is...to a point.

He is definitely affected by the stigma around therapy, so I would probably have more success starting with couples therapy so we were in it together.

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I think you are totally right. I hope FH can be brave enough to talk to everyone about this.

Unfortunately, these family differences/drama tend to become apparent during wedding planning and they likely won’t go away over the years. Your FH taking a stand and defending your decision as a couple now will be uncomfortable but will set her expectations early and potentially prevent other controlling behavior in the future (details about a home you buy, decisions related to your kids, how to all it holidays between your families, etc).

You guys definitely need to do what's good for you.

But your fmil is right about the more mature members of the family not being interested in just a party. At this age we are not party animals anymore but we are still romantics who love to see a couple making a commitment to love and their futures. Personally, I would not travel for just a celebration unless it was my own child. It's not your fmil's fault that her family may have the same attitude. I think more than anything else she's just trying to make sure you have realistic expectations about what the people she knows will or won't do. I think you need to realize she is offering information that should help both of you decide what your priorities are. The people who don't come are not going to be bothered by missing your us-centered celebration. Will you be okay with having a much smaller party than you currently had planned?

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Thank you for your honestly. I am comfortable with having fewer people come, but most of my family will come because they couldn't be at my ceremony and will want to celebrate. My family is definitely on the party animal side all the way up to my grandparents, while his really doesn't travel or like big events. They also pity my misfortune at being engaged during a pandemic and would come to make me feel like I didn't totally miss out on a normal wedding day.

It's just hard because to be able to celebrate with his family we would have to delay our wedding for a year. We would love everyone to be able to be at the actual ceremony, but a vow renewal is really the best that we can do to make everyone feel included in our marriage.

I recommend you sit down with FH and write out your non-negotiables vs like-to-haves for your wedding and/or separate celebration. As sad as it is, most of us Covid brides won’t be able to have them all, but looking at each issue individually will help him see the options rather than staring at an insurmountable problem. Consider things like likely attendance (of friends/immediate family/ extended family), the ability to greet/thank people who attend, and value of being married now vs next year.
For us, we decided that postponing has little impact to our insurance or family planning, so it is worth waiting for both vows and reception so more extended family will come. Hopefully giving it some structure will help him move in the direction of a decision!