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Devoted September 2012

Future mil is so "stressed" out over our wedding that she's not planning ;)

The Sealpups, on August 19, 2019 at 9:08 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 21

I have been the planner, coordinator for everything for our wedding. I am very organized, detail-oriented, specific, and on top of my things. Despite all this, I am stressed out but it's worth it. I like to be prepared and when someone starts to criticize or question us, I am 10 steps ahead; yes, FH & I both came from those kind of families, however, I feel like since my parents are older, they stopped caring so much, just worried. FH's parents are very negative, judgmental, and criticizing is their pastime haha

We are having a Catholic wedding around noon, which ended up perfect! I've been told that because the chapel is older, there's no air conditioning. The weather will be HOT in the afternoon. Within the "catholic gap", we've arranged our guests to go on a free boat ride near downtown (very well known tourist area), right after that, they will have cocktail hour at our venue and dinner to follow.

We have arranged our rehearsal to be at 4pm the day before (for an hour) and dinner at 5:30PM. It won't be longer than 2 hours. FH mom was texting us saying, "Your rehearsal and dinner is too late! Don't you think everyone will be tired?" I usually hate statements like that because she's obviously talking about herself but projecting it and making it seem like she cared about other people. And how does she know "everyone" will be tired? Did she take a survey? hahaha

From the feedback I've been getting, no one has had a problem with it. I know other catholic weddings where our rehearsals and dinner would be later that afternoon - some ceremonies in the morning, some in the afternoon. People get it. And people understand that it's a busy weekend to begin with. Funny because his mom is just walking down the aisle - that's it. She's not doing a reading, she's not doing a speech. She just has to show up, walk down the aisle, and show to dinner and eat or get drunk if she wants to haha whereas I have to get up at 5 in the morning to do hair/makeup. And again, my bridesmaids are more than okay with it. I don't know why she's so "stressed out" about being so tired. How is it any different than going to a yoga class the next morning or going to Sunday church? She said it was so "early" - the drama lol

There's one issue. The other issue is that she jumped at wanting to take over rehearsal dinner. I was happy with just a bbq and she looked down at it as if was not "good" enough. We have a total of less than 40 people at our wedding - because it's a Catholic mass, we have our readers, communion ministers, godfathers, grandparents (yes, we're including them!), our bridal party, flower girls, ring bear, and parents. She freaked out over the number of people & wanted to cut the list in half - exclude half the people and just have the wedding party go to a restaurant.

The food/restaurant is not what's important to me - what's MOST important to me is that people who are participating are included in dinner and are fed. I want them to feel appreciated because they took the time to celebrate with us, when they didn't have to. The type of food is not what's classy - its how you include people and show your appreciation, so if it's pizza, bbq, drinks - I'm good with that. I have 2 bridesmaids who are flying in from another state - (one of them just had a baby 5 months ago!). I want their spouses to be part of rehearsal dinner. FH's mom is against having spouses. Doesn't even think the flower girl and ring bearer are necessary - just so they can "save money" :/ I talked to FH and he started crying about it. Seems as if he is torn between wanting to have people come but then pissing his mom off. I told him that I would find a venue near the church and just order pizza. Just gotta confirm it. Sucks because I need to be planning last minute wedding stuff but I'm taking time to plan a rehearsal dinner that his mother volunteered to do. She just wants to pay and be done. And honestly, if we do get a nearby church venue, I will probably clean and set up because FH's parents don't want to.

Anyhoo, I don't know if I have a question...just venting. Sorry

21 Comments

Latest activity by KiwiDerbyBride, on August 21, 2019 at 3:53 AM
  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
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    Sorry you are dealing with this! Maybe the two of you can find some compromise. Thank her for offering to host, but let her know how important it is for you to have everyone involved at the rehearsal dinner. If you can, maybe offer to cover half? That way she doesn’t have to pay for everyone and you don’t have to plan something else. It is not unheard of that a rehearsal dinner is only the wedding party, but ultimately this is your wedding. You and your FH should sit down with her together and go over this. And no, 5:30 is not too late, that’s actually pretty early for dinner! If she really pushes back, then I think you will have to thank her for the offer but say you’ve decided to plan something yourself that works for your vision. If you want a BBQ, go for it! Good luck.


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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    This sounds incredibly frustrating! FH needs to stand up for you, no questions asked

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  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
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    She's totally in the wrong to want to exclude spouses - you don't split couples up. Stand up for yourself and ask your FH who he'd rather piss off - you or his mother, and tell him to think very carefully about his answer. He needs to back you up.

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  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
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    My rehearsal starts at 645 cause I did not want to take anyone out of school or work. My niece who is in 4th grade lives two hours away, and that is rehearsal. Dinner starts at 8 something. I think your time is fine.
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  • Anna
    Super April 2020
    Anna ·
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    I am also getting married in a catholic church. We're not even having a rehearsal dinner cause rehearsal happens to start at 8pm. We'll be too tired to go eat. Imagine how your fmil would act if she found out it was that time? That would drive her nuts lol.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    Can you afford to pay for the rehearsal dinner yourself?

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  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
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    My MIL is a genuine angel but my, now future step-mom (ughh she’s engaged to my dad) is very very very much like this.

    If talking with her won’t help can I recommend a rage playlist? I have a great one on Spotify if you need inspiration
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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Omg a rage playlist ,please!! I appreciate it!

    Also, i'm looking at my calendar and I'll be PMSing the week leading up to my wedding. Great. The rage playlist will come in handy Smiley smile THANK YOU!!!

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Of course. FH & I are actually more than okay having a pizza party. It almost makes me think that she's playing a charade so she won't have to pay for it. In the beginning, I was pretty sure I was taking care of it but I think she got excited about being in control of something, so she took rehearsal. Hated my idea of a bbq and now when she wants to back out, she can't. It's more of a control thing for her.

    She would prefer "catered" food but only to like 10 people but like i said - i would rather have "less fancy" food and include everyone who needs to be appreciated for their time and energy

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Yay catholic wedding! I am not alone! Wow. Rehearsal at 8? And seriously, she would go nuts haha no judgment from my end! I get it, girl.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I think you just need to have a serious talk with your fiance that it is super important to not exclude SOs and kids from the RD so his mother just needs to not host if she can't afford it (which is totally fine).

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    I'm considering this. Like I said, in the beginning, I knew it was going to be me paying for rehearsal. Nobody owes us anything nor are we entitled to have people pay for us. We're adults but knowing how FILs are, I knew that it would be my responsibility doing rehearsal dinner. They're the type who will buy the most expensive/fancy kitchen appliances, go to European vacations but if they go to a potluck (where people are expected to bring an appetizer, dessert, or dish), they'll bring napkins. Again, not that people need to go out of their way but they bring lower than the minimum

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    We did. I got out of work early to talk to him (night time discussions have been harsh with us) and he ended up crying. He opened up - he doesn't want to piss off my mom. I think this goes way back. The financial relationship he has with his parents hasn't been good. I know children, especially adult children are not entitled to their parents finances but he grew up having to pay for a lot of his childhood and he resents his parents for it. He knows to never ask them for financial help or gift them anything nice. With this whole wedding thing, especially rehearsal, I think those feelings are coming back. His mom wants the control of rehearsal dinner but refuses to do minimum. We're happy with the pizza idea bc it includes everyone but she would rather have select people go to a nice place :/

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I understand you being sympathetic to him feeling this way & being sad, that is horrible obviously & super sad. But he needs to (with or without you) be able to stand up to his mother and demand what you both want for YOUR wedding. If she gets her way on this, I can only assume it won't be the last time with other big events in your life (house, kids, pets, travel, moving, jobs, etc.) so it needs to be stopped now even if it pisses her off.

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Yeah, I totally agree and understand. I think opening up was that BIG thing to get things to turn in our favor rather than hers. I could've easily convinced him, we do our way and all that, but there would be resentment. We discussed that that church may have a hall to have it in and if it's available, we will take it right away. She has no choice.

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Also, do you have any advice on how to "man translate" why spouses come? I know why (Duh! it's rude if you don't) but my reasoning is that if we had our son and daughter be flower girl and ring bearer for my cousin's wedding, he would be hurt if he wasn't invited, even if he wasn't directly involved in the ceremony.

    Also - 2 of my bridesmaids are coming OOT. Their spouses made the sacrifice too to get the ticket, take time off work, etc... just for us. I get it. His mom talks in his ear and says, "why? they're not part of it directly"

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    Hahahahaha, love that! My husband assumed they came, just because he has come with me to rehearsal dinners and vice versa when we have been in wedding parties. I guess ask how he would feel if he was in a wedding party, you came to the wedding, but weren't included in the rehearsal dinner? I'm sure that would bum him out. It just seems odd to exclude SOs I guess. I get not included random plus ones, but the dinner is really a "thank you for being in our special day" so excluding seems weird. I've personally never heard of SOs not being included and we have been invited to 5 rehearsal dinners.

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Is it bad that I want to have my own rehearsal dinner in my hotel room with just my bridesmaids and spouses? My FILs and FH are being so greedy and selfish. T accommodate for everyone they’re thinking pizza but at the church parking lot!! Anywhere but the church parking lot. He doesn’t want to pay for a room bc he thinks it’s too much. I don’t get it bc a minute ago, he said he agreed with me on everything- including everyone being included. Now it seems the devil whisperer got to him and refuses to pay for a fee for a room.
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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    This is hard, it seems weird to do something without your fiance regarding the wedding?

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    It does but I hate that half the people we asked to attend the rehearsal won't be included to the dinner, all to have it at a restaurant. The pizza idea would've been perfect but they don't want to pay for a small fee for a room nearby and it's probably cheaper than having it at a restaurant.

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