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Dedicated September 2022

Future In-laws - our wedding seems like a second priority/obligation?

S, on March 28, 2022 at 4:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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So our wedding is in Europe, and both of our parents have contributed equally financially to our wedding. We've planned a rehearsal dinner/welcome dinner for all of our guests the night before the wedding, and my mom kept asking if we needed her help at all on anything. We've rented out our whole venue for 3 nights (rehearsal dinner, wedding day, and day after) and most of our guests are able to stay there with us, so if any of our family wants to get there early, they are able to do so. My mom even said that she wants to fly in early to help with any set up that might be necessary, which is so so sweet. She did in fact end up booking her flight to get there early and will plan to help us with set up the day before and the day of the rehearsal dinner (we're having vendors do everything for the day of the wedding, but in an effort to save some cost we are planning to decorate on our own for the rehearsal dinner). Even a few of my girl friends have reached out asking if I'll need any help while there. My soon to be in-laws, however, ended up booking flights that get in in the evening the night before the rehearsal dinner, and they were doing a whole song and dance about whether they will come to the venue that night or come the day of the rehearsal dinner - they even said that they wanted to do sightseeing on the day of the rehearsal dinner and make it just before. We convinced them to check-in the night before the dinner (and we're covering the cost of their stay), which they seemed happy with, but my FMIL said "We're going to spend the next day sightseeing so we won't be around for rehearsal dinner preparations" which got me feeling some type of way... I'd shared that my mom is coming early to help with set up, so they know there's some work to be done on our end, but it doesn't seem like they feel like they should contribute any more than they did by contributing financially. They even said that they want to leave the day after the wedding to go to a different city. So we're covering the cost of their lodging for a total of 4 nights (1 of which turns out they won't even stay the night of, but there's nothing we can do because we had to pay to fully book out the whole venue), and it's for my FH's whole immediate family: his parents, his sister & brother in-law + new baby, and his other sister & her boyfriend (whom they've requested separate rooms for, so that's a total of 4 bedrooms). I'm also struggling with how they booked a flight that gets in reallyyy close to our wedding date and am worried about (1) what if something happens and their flight is delayed or they miss a connection and (2) they will be so jetlagged for our wedding that I don't know if they'll even be able to enjoy themselves. The way they've planned their trip is a little unusual for them because they typically like to travel in a really relaxed manner, and my FMIL can be set off veryyyy easily - it's happened on trips and around big events before, no one really knows who or what pissed her off, but she gives everyone the silent treatment and it can last for days. Financial means are no concern for them at all (they were recently talking about upgrading their flight tickets to business class), so that's not a factor here. They ended up picking this late flight because their son-in-law had scheduling constraints with work, and they really wanted to travel with him and their daughter because their newborn baby will be 2 months old at that time and they want to help them (really there was no scenario in their mind where they would travel earlier because they've been completely set on the idea that they MUST help with the baby, which seems a bit extreme to me). On top of this, my FMIL has traditionally been super hands-on involved with planning things - she planned a significant part of their daughter's wedding and festivities, and she's planning her baby shower now. I am just finding myself feeling like my FH and I are sort of out on our own island when it comes to his family and the level of support they've offered us for our wedding - like their primary objective around our wedding is to help their daughter with her baby, and our wedding seems really secondary. Am I crazy to be feeling off-put by this? I know I'm super blessed that both our parents contributed financially and that we're blessed to be able to have the wedding of our dreams. I just thought there'd be a greater sense of community and support from my in-laws. This was a total vent session, and I greatly appreciate this community just letting me get that off my chest haha

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Grace, on March 29, 2022 at 8:08 AM

Super September 2022
Ashlee · on March 28, 2022 at 5:09 PM
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I think it's okay to feel hurt, or slighted in a sense but you planned your wedding as a destination so it seems that they're treating it as a destination and vacationing as well. It's okay to be upset that it seems secondary to the baby and that it's not being treated in the same manner as their daughters, but I wouldn't take it to heart too much. No one is ever going to be as interested in your wedding as you are, but also it's different to be the Mother of the Bride versus Mother of the Groom, so that could be part of why theyre seemingly treating it different than their daughters. Also, I wouldn't feel too upset, they're excited about their grandchild (sounds like potentially their first grandchild) and want to help where they can. I think if you want their help, or you want them there more, your FH should be the one to ask them as it's his parents and they may be open to that.
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Dedicated September 2022
S · on March 28, 2022 at 5:19 PM
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Thanks so much, Ashlee. Yes, it's their first grandchild and they're really excited. I also do see the logic of treating the wedding a little differently from being the mother of the bride versus mother of the groom - this could definitely be contributing to why it feels "different". And yes, we totally want everyone coming to be able to treat our wedding as a vacation - I think in my head I was just expecting that for those particular days, our parents would kind of focus on the wedding and then they have all the rest of their trip to spend vacationing. It's a little silly because with their other daughter and her boyfriend, they were really encouraging her daughter that her bf did not need to come (they don't seem to like him much, but they've been together for 5 years, so we couldn't not invite him) - the logic they used with her was "It's a wedding, not a vacation, so he doesn't need to come". By that logic we would have thought they'd treat other aspects in the same way (wedding, not a vacation) lol, but yeah... agreed that it's my FH's place to ask, but he's the type that wants to feel the least burdensome on people, so he doesn't really feel comfortable asking. Which I'm sure will be okay as I think we can manage between the two of us and my mom
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on March 28, 2022 at 5:47 PM
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I can appreciate your feelings here but I don’t think your in-laws have done anything wrong and I think you’re feeling let down by reason of your expectations of them. They’ve already helped out with the financial side of things and are under no obligation to offer to arrive early or to set up. Your FMIL may have planned her daughter’s wedding (in part) and perhaps she realised how tedious it is, or that she doesn’t today have the time or energy to offer it.
I don’t really see why it’s an issue that they plan to travel after your wedding and otherwise want to help their daughter and her very young baby. I mean the fact that they have in part catered their travel plans to ensure they can help with the baby is pretty admirable to me and I don’t think it really does anything to detract from your wedding.
I think you are comparing yourself and your wedding to their daughter and her wedding and I can understand why (sometimes it is easier said than done not to) but I don’t think you have factored in the differing circumstances and are otherwise getting upset because you’ve set expectations which they haven’t met.

Let it out of your system, take a breather, and focus on what they have contributed to the wedding rather than what they haven’t.
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Dedicated September 2022
S · on March 28, 2022 at 5:57 PM
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Thanks for your perspective and the advice - I know I just needed to let it out of my system and refocus my mindset. There are certainly differing circumstances and I understand that. My FH and I both were honestly surprised that they are cutting it so close with their flight as this could certainly affect their "mood" or even set them up to miss some part of the celebrations. We also had both hoped to spend the day after the wedding with our families and do some sightseeing together. My FH had already communicated all of this to his parents, but it seems that they're quite set on their plans so we're just working on finding a way to make peace with the situation and move forward
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on March 28, 2022 at 9:39 PM
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Even if your wedding is in Italy, you get one day. Well a night and a day if you include the rehearsal dinner. I'm not sure why your guests should need to spend more time than that if they have other things they want to do.
I don't get how you're not being supported? They contributed financially and are going to Italy to be part of things.
I'm confused about the flights? Are they getting in the day of the wedding or the day of the rehearsal dinner?
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Dedicated September 2022
S · on March 28, 2022 at 10:48 PM
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I’m not talking about guests. I’m talking about our parents who are our co-hosts. I just came on here to vent a little as I was feeling frustrated, but I appreciate your perspective.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on March 29, 2022 at 8:01 AM
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It's a common disappointment with weddings, but not even parents, co-hosts, or future spouses will care. That's why you hire vendors. I think it would be easier for you to just accept your FMIL has anxieties about travel and let her deal with it. Moreover, your wedding weekend shouldn't revolve around one guest and a potential silent treatment. It's okay to be confused and disappointed by your FH family, but their family dynamics needn't be dissected. They are still coming to celebrate your nuptials at a very high anxiety time to travel to Europe.
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Super February 2022
Grace · on March 29, 2022 at 8:05 AM
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It is unusual for the grooms family to be involved in the fine details of the day-of preparations, at least to my knowledge. My MIL offered to help but also repeatedly told me how happy ahe was that her daughters were already married and that she didn't have to plan another wedding. Your FMIL may feel similarly. Have you explicitly asked for their help setting up the venue, before or after they booked their tickets?

They are still traveling there in time for the rehearsal and wedding day, which is all you can expect now. I am sorry this isn't living up to how you imagined it working out. It is okay to be feeling hurt and upset.
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Super February 2022
Grace · on March 29, 2022 at 8:08 AM
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I forgot to say, my MIL did host the rehearsal dinner but she did all of the planning for it too, just checking with me for approval on things. Is it possible your FMIL is confused about if they are the hosts for the rehearsal dinner or not? Perhaps she is giving you push-back because she is annoyed about something you haven't realized?
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