Future fil is actively dying and my wedding is in one week

This is one of those circumstances where people can understand the bridal couple pushing back their wedding. I know you said FiL wouldn’t want you to postpone on his behalf but it’s not that simple. He wants everybody to celebrate his life and be happy and carry on but people are going to be sad. It’s sad when somebody dies. Relatives are going to be broken hearted, no matter how joyful the occasion immediately following it’s still going to be fresh on everyone’s minds.
Postponing a wedding is hard, I know it is. I’ve had to do it too. I’m having a rushed wedding because my own father has Cancer so believe me I have an idea of the amount of pain and confluct you’re in.

It’s your choice to make, I’m just gently reminding you that no one would blame you if you postponed given the circumstances. Good luck hun, I’m sorry for your pain.

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Thank you for your reply. While I don't expect people to not be sad, I just don't want it to be the focus or theme of the day if we were to have it. I know that people dying is sad, we're having such a hard time already and he is still with us.

As far as postponing, when did you decide to postpone yours? I just can't fathom doing it a week before the wedding and honestly don't think we'd be able to afford to have do all of this over again anytime soon as we've been saving for years and we have contracts that do not allow us our money back. Had you paid for everything when you postponed your wedding?

Thanks Again!

View Quoted Comment I think that’s understandable. Of course you care but who wants a somber wedding? I don’t think you could take a heavy subject off people’s minds to drink or dance, it’s earth shattering that he will die.
We postponed our wedding after paying for our venue, photographer and my dress so we sadly had to give up those deposits, we lost thousands so our new wedding won’t be as expensive. We were in a bad car accident, life changes in the blink of an eye you know? We just couldn’t focus on the wedding after that, and for health reasons we postponed for a couple years.
Some vendors will agree to work with you if you’re just willing to push it back instead of cancel. Because your wedding is so close they might charge for this but it’s still generally something you can salvage. If we had postponed our wedding only 6 months instead of years this would have been an option for us, you would have to check your contracts.

You should talk about this with your FH. He may end up agreeing with you. But if FH feels very strongly about doing the song then I also wouldn't push the issue. I actually don't think you should push the wedding. I think a wedding is actually something people may look forward to, help breakout of a sad mindset.

I went through the same thing and I personally am not drawing attention to it during the recpetion because I know I would lose it. But this is also my mind-set 2 yrs (3 by the time the wedding happens) after his passing. This is all happening during this process and his headspace isn't going necessarily have the more reasonable options at the forefront of his mind (my opinions based off experience).

Just try the best you can to relay your concern is for his and your guests' mental headspace and how his dad would want everyone to be celebrating. There's unfortunately no easy way to kind of relay this but I think being honest yet understanding is the best way to try and go about it I wish you both the best of luck. And sorry about your future FIL.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, I understand where you're coming from. We just lost my husband's brother to cancer in April and it happened quickly (less than 6 months from diagnosis) and then once the doctors determined treatment wasn't working he went on hospice a Wednesday afternoon and had died by Monday morning. We were devastated for weeks especially when the first holiday (Easter) came and he wasn't with us. We still cry.

I could completely see your wedding being the way you described it - a mini funeral. It would be too soon and too raw for everyone especially once you add in the special songs, etc. in memory of him. I really hate this is happening for you, but I think it would be best to postpone the wedding unless you don't mind it being a sad event for most people.

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Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I just looked through them, and for all of our vendors but our photobooth, we are required to cancel/switch dates by a certain time and none of them are within that timeframe. We would literally be out about **** and I can't even begin to imagine how we could recover from that and re-pay/do it all again. :-/

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I'm sorry for your loss and appreciate your advice. I plan to just highlight the fact that his dad didn't want a funeral because he didn't want it to be sad and that we can't make our wedding the funeral that he doesn't have. When I type it out, it sounds harsh, but I feel like this is the best way to get through to FH and see what I'm talking about. His father absolutely does not want us to mourn in front of our entire reception hall to a sad song. I know this for certain and if he was responsive at the moment, he would for sure tell FH so... but we're unfortunately past that point. I am just ready for this whole thing to be over.

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Oh wow, I am so sorry to hear of your loss! That is awful. I am just worried about not being able to afford a postponement. Since it's only a week away, we owe all of the vendors besides the photo booth. We're also not in the time window for our vendors to be able to change dates. So I just don't know if we can actually postpone without being completely broke.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. Its very sad but unfortunately life doesn't stop for the world only for those who are living in the situation. I remember wanting to just elope with my FH just so I could have my dad experience it but he reasoned with me and somehow I listened. Which is why I recommended just talking to him. He just might need someone else's perspective. Have you thought of alternatives you would recommend (i.e. a memorial table) instead? Or do you want to keep the memorial to the ceremony portion?

The only thing I could think of is if he really wants to do the song memorial is to try and have the music build up to more bright and cheerful songs and hopefully people will start to cheer up after a bit.

^^cant figure out how to update post on mobile but wanted to state my FH reasoned with me about eloping not my dad

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Thank you. A lot of vendors would probably be willing to work with you since you have a very compelling reason. However, if it is not possible, then perhaps you and your FH will be able to agree to keep the memorial to a minimum at the wedding because I do think it will cause a downward spiral of people becoming sad. My heart goes out to you and I hope that whatever you decide you and your FH will have comfort during this difficult time.

First off, I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. It’s never hard to lose a parent, but when you’re days from getting married it’s even harder. I can’t quite get the mental state your fiancés father is in right now, but if he is able to talk to you still I would try sitting with him and your fiancé and just hearing what he has to say about it. If he can’t communicate, I would still go to his bedside and talk to him.

I am a firm believer that in circumstances such as this, the human spirit can hold on and let go when they’re ready. So if he passes before the wedding, it may be his way of giving his blessing for the two of you to begin your life together without starting off with the sorrow is his death. If he hangs on till after the wedding, he has the will and desire to hang on. Unfortunately there’s no way to know for sure what will happen.

There’s no good answer of what to do. There also isn’t a right or wrong thing to do either. You’ll never be able to accurately predict how people will respond after losing a loved one, so I wouldn’t base your decision on that. Those who suffer greatly during the dying process are often able to find piece once their loved one is gone. I think the song your fiancé wants to play is a beautiful tribute to his father, and I’m sure the DJ will know how to tastefully transition into a lighter mood to start the rest of the evening. I also agree with the previous poster that people will also be looking forward to your wedding to have a happy occasion and will want to keep it that way.

Op I don't have anything to add other than virtual hugs to you and your fh. However the next few days go, know that we all will be thinking of you. Prayers to you and fh.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much. We’ve been spending all of the time we can with him and FH stayed at the home last night with him. He isn’t able to communicate anymore but he moves slightly when you talk to him so you know he can hear you.

I know that it will be hard if he goes before the wedding... but even hard if he doesn’t. Everyone ya told him that it’s okay to let go and that he doesn’t need to suffer anymore. I’m not sure how we’d be able to proceed knowing his father and brother are not present (because his brother will not leave his side until after he’s gone).

Do you think that the way the song is going to be used is possible to come back from? I was thinking instead of people standing on the dance floor holding hands and inevitable crying their eyes out, that we could do something like play the song during the ceremony when he places the vest in the open seat. I just know that FIL doesn’t want a funeral and when he could speak he was adamant about making his celebration of life an upbeat, happy day. It just seems like maybe FH is unable to cope with that idea and is making this an opportunity to have the funeral we will not be having for his father. I asked him about this and he isn’t set in stone about the tribute song at the reception, but he needs to have more than the vest. So I’m hoping the song with the vest will be okay?

Ugh this is just the worst

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much. ❤️

I'm so sorry you and your FH are going through this! There is no right or wrong answers in dealing with this and honoring him. I like the idea of putting his jacket on a chair for the ceremony. Instead of the song maybe your FH can make a toast to his dad and say something to the effect of 'he doesn't want anyone to be sad and as difficult as it is we are honoring his wish that we celebrate our marriage and have fun today'. Its going to be an extremely emotional day no matter what and people will be sad at points but will also enjoy the day. Make sure the dj keeps the music fun and upbeat. Big hugs to you and your family.

View Quoted Comment I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Are you having a rehearsal? Do you think perhaps your family wouldn’t mind doing this tribute in private instead in some form at, during or after the rehearsal? I’m a bit more private with my grief and would rather have that emotional build up and release as a small group rather than in front of a full wedding.

View Quoted Comment I love this idea! I never thought of the rehearsal...I will see what FH thinks about this!

So much sympathy for you both. I think his vest and a toast to honor him would be nice. You're right though that the song would damper the mood. It's an extremely heavy element to tie to your wedding. Your FH is going to be full of so many emotions that day, as well you and the rest of the family. I'm not sure how easy it will be to transition a room of grief back to more of a wedding feel after or honestly if it would from what you describe he wants to do. I think Rachel had a great idea the rehearsal dinner may be a good time and place to honor him more in-depth. I hope your wedding is wonderful and your family is doing well. May you find peace and comfort in each other.

I am so sorry for you and FH. Hugs and positive vibes coming your way for sure

This is hard and if postponing is not an option then I say let the memorial stand. It is SO HARD losing someone before a big event let alone just days before. I would suggest the song to be played when they place the vest BUT be okay if he wants to do it as the dance still. I know if I lost a parent before my wedding i would be pretty adamant about doing the memorial somehow like that.

I agree with an earlier comment about a good DJ will know how to transition a song and get everyone going. At my sisters memorial in January as sad as it was (it took me 30 minutes to even walk into the venue because every time I tried I started bawling my eyes out), we still danced because its what she would have wanted. We were close and loved doing the cotton eye joe and I was crying my eyes out the entire time but I danced my sad butt all up and down the front row because she would have wanted it.

My sister passed 8 1/2 months before my wedding and I know there are certain things I can't do to memorialize her because its still too fresh. I think I would sit and have a talk with FH and the rest of the family to be completely honest and see how everyone feels about everything. I know when my parents and siblings talked about it for my wedding we all agreed something to in our face would hurt so we won't be saving the empty chair idea but we all have her picture on a charm around our flowers and my mom chose a song she wants to dance to with me, my dad and my siblings in honor of my sister and while it will be sad I don't think we will have any issues re cooperating back into a happier vibe.

When someone passes theres always sadness so unfortunately no matter how or when you had your wedding there would always be the thought "He should be here". I am so sorry though, this really sucks.