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Savvy October 2019

Future Bro-in-law’s Ex in Wedding Party?

Shelby, on July 30, 2019 at 6:23 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17

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I made a post on here a few weeks ago about my fiancé’s brother and what I was hoping would not happen, did happen. Long story short, my fiancé’s brother was engaged and his fiancée and I became good friends, enough that I wanted her in my wedding party so I asked her to be a bridesmaid back in January. Fast forward to this last Saturday, she broke things off with him because he started doing drugs again, stole prescriptions from her family, and got kicked out. I told her that I still want to maintain our friendship and that still I’d love to have her as a bridesmaid for the wedding, but that the choice was hers and I’d understand if it was too awkward, and to just let me know. I haven’t heard back from her yet. I still have my MUHA invoice to pay off, and all four of my bridesmaids are having services done and she’s expecting 50% of the total invoice ASAP including their services, plus I’m in the process of purchasing BM gifts and budgeting for bachelorette activities and rehearsal dinner stuff. How long should I give her before I ask for a definite answer for if she wants to be my BM or not? I want to be sensitive to the situation but I don’t want to pay extra for someone else if I don’t have to. I’m about 12 weeks out from my wedding and I’m in a little bit of a panic. TIA!

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17 Comments

Super October 2019
Devin · on July 30, 2019 at 6:33 PM
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I’d reach out at least a few days before you have to pay for the hmua.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 30, 2019 at 6:33 PM
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Since you're only paying 50% of your HMUA invoice at the moment, I would imagine you could wait until the final payment is due, or whenever your contract says is the deadline to make changes. I would budget for her to attend the RD, then if she backs out, it will be a pleasant (financial) surprise. If it was me, I would give her until a month or so before the wedding. That gives you plenty of time to get her gift. She's going through a lot and it's only going to make it more difficult if she needs to give you a final answer right away.
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Savvy October 2019
Shelby · on July 30, 2019 at 6:47 PM
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This is where is gets complicated. Once I pay the 50% I can’t make any changes. And I was supposed to have 4 BM to guarantee my time slot and I need my MUHA early 😞 I need to know soon because my budget is a little tighter due to some extreme unforeseen circumstances this last month and now I can’t afford to spend extra money I don’t need to before the wedding. Again, I want to be sensitive but this may end up royally screwing me over for my wedding day....
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Savvy October 2019
Shelby · on July 30, 2019 at 6:49 PM
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I need to pay the MUHA when I get paid next... would a week and a half be long enough?
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 30, 2019 at 6:57 PM
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I think ask her next week. You're not being mean you just need to know, shell understand
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Super October 2019
Devin · on July 30, 2019 at 7:01 PM
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I’d ask her next week.
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VIP September 2019
· on July 30, 2019 at 7:03 PM
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This may be rude but do you really want that kind of person in your wedding? Drugs make people unpredictable and loose cannons. I wouldn't want you to spend all this money and risk her being a no show, drug overdose, or ruin your day. Sorry you are dealing with this hopefully you figure it out
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 30, 2019 at 7:15 PM
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The brother has a drug problem, not the bridesmaid.

OP, I’d give her a week or so and reach out and just let her know you need an answer.
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Savvy October 2019
Shelby · on July 30, 2019 at 7:22 PM
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If I had the choice, I would not have someone like that in the wedding party at all but he’s part of the family I’m marrying into whether I like it or not, and the rest of their family are incredibly
kind people.
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Master May 2021
Cristy · on July 30, 2019 at 7:23 PM
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She's not on drugs, it's the FBIL that she was dating who is on drugs.
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Savvy October 2019
Shelby · on July 30, 2019 at 7:32 PM
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Believe me, I wouldn’t choose someone like that as a bridesmaid lol. I’ve dealt with my fiancé’s brother enough over the past year to know the ugly side of addiction... he assaulted my fiancé last year before he went to rehab this last time. I’m reluctant to even have him at the wedding. My in-laws will have to babysit him and that bums me out.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on July 30, 2019 at 8:08 PM
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Do you have to name the people. Do they HAVE to be bridesmaids?
Could you just treat your mom if this girl flakes?
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Savvy October 2019
Shelby · on July 30, 2019 at 9:35 PM
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I already gave the MUHA the names of my girls but I did reach out to her earlier and ask her if I could transfer the service to someone else if one of my BMs drops out and she just got back to me and said it would be fine! So at least I have that covered.
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Expert November 2020
Cheryl · on July 30, 2019 at 9:45 PM
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This is a good idea.
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VIP September 2019
· on July 30, 2019 at 9:49 PM
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I'm sorry that should be the last thing you or anyone is doing at the wedding. Hoping this works out for you and your FH.
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VIP September 2019
· on July 30, 2019 at 9:52 PM
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Oops I totally read that wrong.
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VIP September 2019
· on July 30, 2019 at 9:55 PM
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Oops I read it wrong. Same goes for the fbil hope everything works out for them. That the fbil gets clean and sober and his girl will still be a bridesmaid
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