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Savvy April 2023

fsil boyfriend drama

Eden, on March 24, 2023 at 1:17 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 25

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I cannot believe that here I am again posting for third party advice on another issue brought up by my FH’s family… I have already cried and I’m just not even feeling excited about my own wedding anymore. His sister broke up with her live in boyfriend of barely a year about a month ago. Right about the time that we found out they might be breaking up is when I was having the invitations made. I asked my FH to confirm with his family and I even confirmed with them about wether to put her soon to be ex’s name on the invitation. The answer was to no and to make sure it was sent to his parents house and not their apartment together. Okay so done deal. She breaks up with him and there was a lot of drama, moved out of their apartment and everything. Fast forward ONE month later my FH finds out from their dad that my FSIL and her ex are back together. Mind you my FH cannot stand her boyfriend and his parents don’t like him either after he showed his true colors during their breakup. Now within this same conversation with his dad about finding out their back together he gets asked if her ex can still go to the wedding and that his parents will pay for him. We are ONE MONTH out from our wedding btw. We simply say no. There’s too many details that have already been finalized as well as both of us just not even wanting him there. We think it’s ridiculous to expect us to just accommodate the change so quickly after all of the drama that took place during the breakup. His parents admitted that they do not like him and are only pushing it on us because that’s what his sister wants. I cannot believe this has become my reality…

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25 Comments

Latest activity by Theresa, on April 26, 2023 at 9:41 PM

CM · on March 24, 2023 at 1:46 AM
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I get you don’t like him, and can see treating this as a tenuous relationship if they are only recently back together and taking their time to figure things out but if they are living together again and she’s committed I think the most gracious and appropriate thing is to include him.

With a month to go I would think there is still plenty of time to accommodate him. RSVPs are typically due about a month out. If your deadline was much earlier you’ll likely be dealing with other last minute changes as well. What kind of details are there other than perhaps seating?
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 24, 2023 at 1:51 AM
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Last I heard, she had already signed a lease on a different apartment so I have no idea what’s going on with that
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on March 24, 2023 at 6:49 AM
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Ugh. Your FSIL’s relationship sounds complicated. I completely understand yours and FH’s family’s feelings about it. However, I don’t think this is the hill you want to die on. Is it annoying? Sure. Is it worth added drama and possibly ruining your relationship with future in-laws over? No. I’d just bite the bullet, be the bigger person, and extend the invite.
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Super October 2023
Alyssa · on March 24, 2023 at 6:59 AM
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I understand that invites and head count was done, however you have a full month it's not too late to add on one more person. To save face you should invite SILs boyfriend, it would be hard to celebrate in another couples happiness when they dismiss your own relationship.

You however don't have to include him in any family photos.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on March 24, 2023 at 7:43 AM
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Agree with those above. Logistical issues: Most venues require final catering numbers 1 week before so the timing may be fine. 60" rounds (common) are comfortable at 8 ppl, 10 max, with even numbers preferred. Unless you paired FSIL with another single, this should not be hard to add one person. Or just change escort cards.
I would suggest focusing on yourself and your FS, and you'll find the joy in marrying your person.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on March 24, 2023 at 9:42 PM
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For better or worse, right now he's her boyfriend. You'll need to invite him as her partner. I know it sucks, but that's the etiquette.
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Just Said Yes June 2023
Donna · on March 27, 2023 at 6:48 AM
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What it comes down to is you invited the sister with a +1. Whether she brings the ex or a friend or a random date, should not matter. The status of her or any other guest’s relationship doesn’t make a difference. If your husband‘s best friend from childhood was going through the same stuff but you didn’t know it it wouldn’t make a difference. So basically what I’m saying is it’s none of your business what her situation is. You invited her with a plus one because she’s a sister and it really shouldn’t matter who the plus one is. But you could certainly have her father, ensure that the boyfriend knows that his best behavior is expected And let him know that if he acts in any way inappropriately at the wedding, then he will be removed
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CM · on March 27, 2023 at 8:34 AM
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Wedding invitations are not transferable. The then BF was not invited as a +1 , he was properly invited by name as a guest of the FSIL. A separate invitation was even sent to his parents home, though I’m not sure why as they lived together at the time, Arguably it would be rude to uninvite him under those circumstances but if he understandably sent regrets after the break up and they are taking things slow, I don’t agree that she’s entitled to bring him at this point.
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:07 AM
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His name was never on the invitation. I was told at the time of the invitations being made NOT to put his name on the invitation by my FSIL and her mother. When the invitations were being made she was just about to break up with him.
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:09 AM
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I never invited him. His name was never on invitation as told NOT to put it on there by my FSIL and her mother. I’m sure he’s never even seen the invitation anyway because I was also told to send it somewhere else and not to the apartment that my FSIL and her on again/off again bf lived at.
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:11 AM
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Why is she so entitled to have him there? It’s an intimate ceremony and reception of no more than 40 people. I’m also worried about him attempting to be in our professional family pictures.
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:13 AM
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I’m not even sure they’re living together. She had moved out of their apartment right away during the breakup and signed a new lease for a different apartment.
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:14 AM
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I just feel sick at the fact that she and her mother feel entitled that my FSIL should have him there.
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:17 AM
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They’re are making it so hard to focus on each other when they’re causing so much drama for my FH. Yelling and screaming in his face even!!!
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:18 AM
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His name nor “a guest” was never on her invitation as I was told NOT to put his name on the invitation because when they were being made it was also when they were breaking up.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on March 27, 2023 at 9:26 AM
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Why are you screaming? Let FH handle it. You can't be mad at boundary-crossers when you join in their drama. And it doesn't matter anymore if his name was on the invite or not because you can't ask others to witness and respect your relationship if you don't respect theirs.
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:27 AM
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I am not the one screaming. His sister and mother were screaming in my FH face about it
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Savvy April 2023
Eden · on March 27, 2023 at 9:29 AM
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And how is his sister and fmil respecting my FH and I’s relationship and boundaries with all of the drama they are causing. I mean I’m not even excited for our own wedding anymore. I will not even see them again until probably the wedding day because I just am staying away from them.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on March 27, 2023 at 9:32 AM
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Your triple exclamation points say otherwise. Eden, we support you. Just step back from their mess. You can't teach others boundaries when it's clearly generational. Hopefully your FH is more willing to work on communication in his life with you because clearly he's not learning it at home. Soon you will be married, and you will be a new family. One more month . . .
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CM · on March 27, 2023 at 9:44 AM
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If he was never invited at all then you have less of an etiquette issue. A lot of people view any relationship at all as requiring a mandatory wedding invitation, but I think this is more of a gray area.

That said, IMO the bigger issue is whether it’s really worth all this drama or a potential rift with the in laws. I wouldn’t worry about things like family photos. Photographers know how to manage people and even if he were to barge into a few can get any major shots without him in it as well. When we were married one of our siblings brought a spouse who turned out to be a soon to be ex. It didn't affect us in the least.
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