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Beginner May 2021

Frustrating times with Future Fam

on April 3, 2021 at 1:22 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15

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Hi WW,

I’m having a difficult time with my future SIL. There’s now been more than a few instances where I’ve had to talk to her about her participation in my wedding- she’s a bridesmaid. Her birthday is a few days after our wedding and she came out to my fiancé that she’s upset that we won’t be there for her birthday, we’ll be on our honeymoon. Then when she planned their dad’s birthday, she planned a camping trip the Saturday before our wedding. Of course, not thinking that we’d be running around getting things together. When I confronted her she denied not being upset about her birthday. Then, when deciding for hair I asked my bridesmaids to send me photos. I’d explained I wanted something simple and not too intricate. Well everything she sent me was way over the top. So I went out of my way to send her multiple photos that were closest to what she wanted. Long story short, she sent me around 18 photos to counter the photos I suggested for her. We finally decided on a hairstyle. Then the next morning, she says she wants a different one- that she could do the hairstyle herself. She came out to my fiancé that I’m being difficult and that I’m disrespectful in the way I talk to her, that I called her selfish and that she’s had a bad experience so far. And that she doesn’t want to pay the money for a silly hairstyle.
I feel like I’ve been super accommodating and thoughtful. I’m so stressed out with the wedding in a few weeks, that I don’t have time for this. But she’s going to be family. It’s incredibly frustrating and silly.
Anyone gone through something similar?

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Lady, on April 5, 2021 at 10:04 AM

Champion December 2022
Michelle · on April 3, 2021 at 1:51 PM
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Unfortunately this happens when you choose people you are not bestest friends with. Have her step down immediately because she refuses to be supportive and respectful. The fact she is family is moot and I would be cutting off all contact with her..jointly with your fiance. Because she is blatantly disrespectful.
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Expert September 2020
Amanda · on April 3, 2021 at 3:10 PM
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Regarding the hair, are you paying for it? If not, definitely let her choose the style and even if so I don’t think that’s a hill worth dying on. As far as the rest, I also think you should let it go. You get one day for your wedding, and maybe night before. You don’t want to burn bridges with your future in laws. These aren't things that either of you are completely right or wrong on.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on April 3, 2021 at 3:16 PM
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She’s allowed to feel how she wants to feel about you missing her birthday. I don’t understand why you confronted her about something she confided in her brother about. Especially since it sounds like you two aren’t even close. I also don’t see why it matters when she planned her dad’s birthday. If his birthday is near the camping trip, it makes sense that that’s when she’d plan it.

As far as the hair thing goes, no I didn’t run into that. I didn’t even know how any of my bridesmaids were getting their hair done until the morning of the wedding when we started getting ready. I trusted them to be able to plan their own appearance without oversight from me.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on April 3, 2021 at 4:57 PM
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I agree that FSIL needs to be understand about you and FH being unable to attend the birthday events this year. I do have to agree with her, however, about the hair. I would be upset if I had to get my hairstyle approved by the bride and pay for a style I didn’t like. Unless you are paying for the bridesmaids hair and makeup, you do not get a say in it.
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August 2020
JM Sunshine · on April 3, 2021 at 5:04 PM
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I totally agree on all accounts!
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Master 0000
Judith · on April 3, 2021 at 5:49 PM
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Why never to choose a future relation, because you or others think it will build a good relationship for the future. I am so sorry for you. Had I wanted to get to know 4 of 5 of then FI sisters, whom his relatives were sure I would want, there would have been blood on the floor. She is simply out of line expecting you to delay your honeymoon for her birthday celebration days later. As long as all understand to are too busy for more than a single meal, you should be able to celebrate Dad's, though not on the camping trip. But as to hair? I had no idea what hairstyle any of my ladies, 4, or the GM, or Mothers would have, because that is their business not the brides. And when I am in someone's wedding I do it myself mostly, occasionally a hairdresser. but the only two times I discussed it with the bride, they wanted what I would not do ( cut, color to match) and lost the bridesmaids, including me.
People are not dolls. You can change robes for a ceremony, graduation or baptism or wedding. But each individual keeps her right to her personal looks, including hairstyle, with no review from you. You can pay for the hairdresser or not, but the SIL/ BM gets the style she wants, and does it herself if she wants to. Apologize about the hair, and say you realize her style can be up to her. But Whatever she plans for any birthday, she needs to understand you will not participate due to time constraints.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on April 3, 2021 at 11:39 PM
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I 3rd this! This is not the hill to die on and you do not get a say in her hair (unless you pay for it but it sounds like she has her own style in mind anyway and does not want to wear what you’re suggesting). A BM is not a prop. To smooth things over, I would extend the olive branch and say you’ve had time to think about it and she is right to want to wear a hairstyle she feels comfortable in.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on April 4, 2021 at 1:32 AM
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I think this is way over the top and really bad advice.
Do not kick your FSIL out of your wedding because you went back and forth about her hairdo. Why are you micromanaging their hair styles anyway? Absolutely none of this sounds like a big deal. I advise you to take a big breath and focus on something else.
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Devoted May 2021
Ally · on April 4, 2021 at 1:39 AM
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She was wrong to complain about you guys not being there for her birthday, but everything else is not something I would get into a big fight with her about. If you cant make the camping trip, just say that. I also would be annoyed if I had to pay for a hairstyle I didnt like, which is why most brides give their bridesmaids the option to get their hair done or do their own. And frankly Ive never heard of the bride choosing everyones exact hairstyle, maybe just say it has to be an updo or has to be down. That is 100% not worth starting off on the wrong foot with your future SIL
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VIP May 2022
Ava · on April 4, 2021 at 7:06 AM
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I totally agree. This is all very minor stuff, and definitely not worth ruining a relationship with your FSIL over. As others have pointed out, if you are not paying for her hair and makeup services then you do not get to dictate these items. I would speak to her ASAP and smooth this over.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on April 4, 2021 at 8:57 AM
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I agree with this. Couldn't pay for a hair style that I dislike
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on April 4, 2021 at 9:30 AM
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If you want her hair done a certain way, you need to pay for it. I don't even know hoe my BMs will be doing their hair because it doesn't matter.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on April 4, 2021 at 9:30 AM
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What has SIL done to justify going No contact?
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Expert May 2016
needmorewine · on April 4, 2021 at 12:00 PM
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"She came out to my fiancé that I’m being difficult and that I’m disrespectful in the way I talk to her, that I called her selfish and that she’s had a bad experience so far. And that she doesn’t want to pay the money for a silly hairstyle."
Is there any truth in what she's saying? Have you called her selfish and been disrespectful in how you've spoken to her? Have you had unreasonable expectations for your bridesmaids? You say that you have had to speak to her more than a few times about her participation in the wedding - how many times and about what? Why did you need to "confront" her about her feelings about her birthday? While it's understandable that you won't be able to attend when you have other plans, she's allowed to have her own feelings about it. There isn't enough information given regarding your future FIL's birthday to determine if there is anything nefarious with the plans or not. Is his birthday on or near the camping trip, or is that the date that works best for the majority of the guests? Is it really impossible to take a day or even part of a day to attend a celebration for someone else a week before the wedding? Other people's lives continue as usual, they don't get placed on hold just because you're having a wedding.
The hairstyle thing really is silly - on your part. If you insist she has her hair done by a stylist in a style she doesn't like then you need to pay for it, not her.
None of this seems to be worth getting that upset over, and it certainly isn't worth damaging your relationship with family over a one day party. It's important for brides and grooms to remember that your wedding is not the most important thing in other people's lives.
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Lady · on April 5, 2021 at 10:04 AM
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You don't get to dictate her hair even you are paying for it. Period. Other than that, she sounds a little irritating but you're blowing this all way out of proportion.
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