Jennifer
VIP October 2021

Frustrated

Jennifer, on July 28, 2019 at 8:32 PM Posted in Wedding Attire 0 22
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Okay, so this is the thing:
1) I went into David’s Bridal with 3 of my 4 Bridesmaids.
2) I went into the store saying -I want the gowns to be long. -I want them to be Sangria. -I want them to Not be strapless.
3) My MOH had a surgery she elected to do shortly before the appointment, set for 2+ months, so as she was unable to fly out, from MI to VA, for the appointment.
4) I have tried to be extremely easy going on what I expect the girls to do. Aside from MOH, who claimed at the time of my asking her to want/be able to do decor DIY, bridal shower/parties.... I basically expected the other girls to show up for the dress fitting, have lunch after and hang out to have a fun day/evening.
5) I walked out of David’s Bridal with ALL the 3 bridesmaids Happy! They are all in Long, Wine, Strapless( see #2!) and they looked good. And are able to rewear the gowns, as they are “Special Occasion” & not bridesmaid.
6) I paired 2 colours with the Wine. Quartz( a dusty lilac purple) and Chianti( a lighter, slightly pinker/dusty than the wine) for my MOH. Or Wine also.

Now here is the issue:
1) I have changed what *I* want 3x, and only one time for FH- whom I feel is the ONLY person I Should change it for! Then his mother was “offended” at a colour choice so away it went, then the girls all got wine- 3x changed.
2) MOH has informed me she HATES the two colour choices. And refuses to wear them.
3) MOH has said the fact she’d be in Wine and sleeved is NOT enough to “set her apart from the other girls. As SHE is MOH”- yet she has done NOTHING to help, or what you’d think of as MOH things..
4) She suggested she wear a champagne( hello that is the colour of MY gown!) or ivory gown!!!!
5) When informed her that she was NOT wearing a champagne or ivory( so she could dye it later) she said Navy or Dark Green. I went back to #1 & said “NO! I have changed the colours and I refuse to totally deviate from what *I* want! If that makes me a Bridezilla so be it!!” And “Dark green and wine is perfect for Christmas! Our wedding is September( of 2020) and that won’t work. I dislike navy blue, or it would’ve been on the colour palette to begin with( and shut FH mother up!) and not the plum( looks terrible with the Wine) and the samgria( looked terrible on the girls!)”...
6) She had complained about the Plum and the Sangria, that was the second colour choice after FH disliked the lilac and the peach.

Given all the negativity MOH has been doing for some time- ya’ll know my previous posts- I am sooooooo tired and done, and want to tell her to come as a guest- if at all.
FH says keep her. My Best friend( who would’ve been MOH- but lives in WA & asked me to have someone closer-and current MOH WAS- Before she married and moved!- be MOH) says let her go, as does my mom, and a couple friends who I’ve spoken with recently.
My health has taken an unexpected turn and I’m undegping more tests to see why, family( FSD) drama has amped up closer it gets to Wedding, school, etc- and FH has sooo much work stress that just getting him to give me a guest list is pulling teeth, let alone having him help plan anything.....

I’m at a loss as to what to do. Especially where she’s concerned- I can’t handle the negativity and drama from her too.
I’m feeling like I’m being “Bridezilla” for telling her that she can wear one of the 3 colours I’ve picked- Wine, Chianti or Quartz.

Please help me figure this mess out!

22 Comments

  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    You're not being too bridezilla. You clearly told her what her options were and she chose to argue.
    Kicking someone out of the bridal party often ends the relationship. If you're comfortable with that then go a head. If you want to keep her as a friend then tell her no and keep at it.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    She and I have been friends for about 2.5yrs now. And for part of that she has not been a very good friend at all.

    Ever since I got engaged she’s has been bossy, demanding and expects me to allow her to run my wedding how she wants it. I wouldn’t even want my best friend from childhood- who’s the WA bridesmaid to be like that!

    I’ve told her that she can pick, one of the three colours, and as long as it is long and not super sparkly I’m good. Her reply, as it was in a text because I didn’t trust myself to not tell her she was no longer in the wedding, was “I guess I’ll see and, maybe, make it work”....

    I guess I’m at the point where the friendship is dying, in part due to her new husband and her move, and the negativity and bossy/demanding about MY wedding, and am ambivalent about her. Sadly.
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag
    It is your wedding. Don’t let anyone dictate your decisions. You and your FH get to decide what you want. If she doesn’t want to wear any of the options you’ve given her, then she can remove herself from the wedding. I wouldn’t remove her completely from the wedding unless things get hostile between you two. I would, however, see if one of your other bridesmaids is willing to help out with the MOH duties she should be fulfilling and isn’t. But again, she doesn’t get to make the final decision, you do. She can suck it up and pick a dress or she can leave.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Thank you! I begin to doubt myself sometimes & think I’m being too mean, or demanding, lol! I didn’t think saying “Pick a dress in this colour that’s long & looks good one you/you could rewear, and is about $200” was being That bad! Hell I even paid for my FH nieces dress, as she is a recent nursing-college grad, because it was a special occasion and $270.

    I will have to FaceTime her and tell her that “I think she can be a bridesmaid, but that given her health, recent marriage and move that the MOH position is too much & if she wants to be in the wedding she can be a bridesmaid. Or be a guest.”

    Then it’s a question of do I make the 21yo FH niece( and really piss his already hateful 22yo daughter off), Washington State friend( long time one) or FH secretary( who is such a good friend to both of us) the new MOH?? And if the MOH now drops out altogether than I have 2 ladies, and one guy, who’d take the position- knowing the whole thing already and having volunteered for the bridesmaid or MOH spot, should I need it.
    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    • Flag
    It is your wedding you can choose color and dress as long as it is in the girls budget. It is a little early for the to be buying a dress as the sizes can change a lot in a year however.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Whe we had first gone in it was to get the sangria, as I was told it was going to take 10+ months to get in. Then it was also to see what they liked and how well they all worked together, as the girls are soooo scattered through the country: WA, MI, NY & MD, with me in VA & wedding in NY.
    They all went with Wine, and 2 of the 3 did “special occasion” so they had the option of holding it off- and putting sizes down- or buying now.
    All 3 feel comfortable with their weight, and haven’t been fluctuating in it, and decided to buy now. MOH is fluctuating weight wise so she should hold off, even if we were getting along fine!
    Thanks for saying it was my choice. I tried to pick colours that would work for them all. And that’s why I told MOH the 2 and the wine. All 4 of the girls are dirty blonde to blonde and one is almost the same skintone as MOH and the 3 colours looked fine on her... sigh.
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    I actually chose not to have a MOH for this very reason. I have 2 bridesmaids and a bridesman who are all considered equals in the wedding party. The girls are all wearing the same color but in a dress they chose (I told them color, store, & floor length, they chose the rest) & we picked the guys suits. To me, this eliminated any MOH drama. I didn’t think I would have any, I just honestly couldn’t choose. And based on a lot of threads on here, it seems MOH drama is very common. So I think worst case scenario, if she drops out, just don’t have a MOH unless you really think you need one.
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    It’s your wedding you can chose the color. My color is plum, and no one has complained about it. My BM & MOH picked out the dress style, I simply said - I don’t care, pick any long plum dress that you like. They all wind up liking the same dress (which was $180 silky trumpet dress). I tried to talk them out of it. saying it was too expensive for a one-time dress & even offered them to change the dress color to black (that was the original color I was going to pick) since they could wear the dresses again, but they were adamantly against it.
    i mean this website is all over the place with MOH/BM responsibilities but the one thing that everyone agrees w/ is that they have to buy the dress & show up.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Thank you!!!!! I like the NOT having one! Lol!
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Sounds like you have been as reasonable as can be! And like I have been....

    I only expected my MOH to do DIY, etc because she had OFFERED, prior to my asking her, to help me. And now she criticizes Every. Single. Thing.

    Thanks!
    • Reply
  • A
    Expert January 2020
    Abby ·
    • Flag
    You are being so much nicer than I would’ve been. You are not bridezilla.
    If you no longer want her in the wedding since it’s only drama and arguments (about your wedding... which it seems she’s gotten confused and thinks it’s hers) then I would tell your FH that she is causing so much stress and frustration she is out of the wedding party.
    Mid you do that though be prepared to completely lose her. If you really want to be friends maybe just say “no you wear these colors that I’ve given you”. Which could still be a problem. If you don’t mind losing her then if kick her out. Do what you want it’s your wedding and your mental health.
    • Reply
  • CourtneyBrittain
    Master August 2019
    CourtneyBrittain ·
    • Flag

    I definitely don't think it's too bridezilla! I think you need to tell her, straight, that she can choose a dress within those limitations (which are very open in my opinion) or she can choose to come as a guest. You could say you have chosen your colors and that you and FH have decided these are the set colors so going outside one of those wouldn't work. While you appreciate her offering to do DIY things, tell her that if it stresses her out too much she can step down.


    Be ready though, often asking or hinting at someone to step down can end a friendship.

    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    We wen though this with grooms women so I know.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    I don't think you're asking for too much by choosing a color palette! As PPs said, proceed with caution asking MOH to be a guest instead!

    • Reply
  • S
    Dedicated October 2019
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag
    It's your wedding. Three choices is plenty. If she refuses than excuse her from the wedding party. There is no need to get sick over this.
    • Reply
  • Sara
    Devoted April 2020
    Sara ·
    • Flag
    You are not being a bridezilla. This is your wedding and the color choice is yours and your future husbands. The only thing my fiancé said was don’t make me wear pink so that made it easy lol. But again this is your decision, I would never have the nerve to tell a bride that I refuse to wear what she picked. Please believe me that I have a difficult time telling people I don’t like their ideas especially when it comes to those close to me who are genuinely trying to help, but I’ve had to learn during wedding planning that it’s okay to say, to your FMIL for example, thank you for the input but i think I’m going to go another way or I honestly don’t like that! Whatever works. This is your wedding and you want to look back and remember it looking exactly how you planned and wanted it to be. I can’t understand why a color was offensive to your soon to be MIL. It sounds like you need to be honest with your MOH and tell her you think it’s best that she attend as a guest to make everyone happy. Sounds like she won’t care if she hates the colors anyway. Your bridal party should NOT be stressing you out but instead helping you be relaxed and supportive! Good luck with everything, health especially! ❤️
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    Thank you all ladies! The fact that you are all saying what I feel is understandable and not out of the norm is sooooo nice! Thank you!

    I will have the convo with her about the colours and maybe the fact that being MOH, or even a bridesmaid is too much for her at this point.
    ( I lived 38yrs without her as a friend and so
    i can do it for another 38. Especially when she’s stressin me out so dang much!)
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    It can be so frustrating indeed when people aren't listening to what you want for your day. I get that they have to wear it but they have to remember that it's your day, not theirs.
    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    You're not being bridezilla at all!! If anything, you're too accommodating! Well, for my taste anyway. Maybe I'm just a b*&%h, but I would tell her that she can wear one of those colors, or she can wear whatever she wants and come as a guest, or not at all!! Just because she thinks she should be distinguished as MOH with a different color dress doesn't mean you have to agree!! This is your wedding! Not hers. Her suggestion of "champagne" or "ivory" for her own dress is ridiculous!! Sounds like she wants to be the bride again. Sorry chick. Not your turn.

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. But your health should absolutely come first. Please do not let all this other stuff make things worse. Take care of yourself, and all the rest will come together eventually. Luckily you still have lots of time. Good luck!!

    • Reply
  • Kiki
    Dedicated November 2019
    Kiki ·
    • Flag
    Honestly not sure who she thinks she is. If she doesn't like the colors too bad.. it's not her wedding. Not everyone is going to like everything. I wouldve told her to be a guest a long time ago. You don't want that negativity so close to you, even more so with your health.
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