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Super June 2018

Frustrated with bridesmaids

FutureMrs.V, on April 16, 2018 at 12:55 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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Before I rant, I want to make it clear I will not be kicking anyone out of my BP, nor do I expect my BM to have "duties".

I feel like when you ask your BP to be your BP, you're letting them know they are very important to you. They are the people you want standing next to you when you marry your partner. I have 8 BM. 7 of which I am close to and one I have drifted apart from. My friendship with the one was growing when I asked her to be a BM and since has just kind of went away a bit. We had a conversation about something that happened that made me uncomfortable and she apologized and made it clear she would love to be a BM still. We moved on from that and we are fine, but still not close. That was my mistake in the first place. 6 of my BM are awesome and have been so helpful. I had my bridal shower yesterday and they partnered with the moms to make it wonderful. The BM I'm not close with was working because she couldn't take off. Like I said, I'm not super close with her so it didn't really affect my day. She's getting married to FH's BM in August and I'm not in her BP (she has a smaller BP than me). The other BM that I have felt kind of hurt by is someone I've been friends with for ten years. She even asked to be a BM when she found out FH and I got engaged. She couldn't come to my bridal shower because she had work which I understand. She hasn't communicated with me much at all and made some rude comments when I went with her for me to pay for her dress. She said she thought I would be a bridezilla and that she knew my parents were spending a fortune. It just made me feel bad about myself because I've tried so hard to make sure the girls felt like this was an honor and not a chore. Like I said I have 6 girls who have been incredible, but it's hard not to dwell on the two others as well.

Is anyone else feeling a little hurt by their BP? How are you dealing with it without causing any issues in your friendships?

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9 Comments

Latest activity by FutureMrsC, on April 19, 2018 at 11:50 AM

VIP September 2018
Michelle · on April 16, 2018 at 1:00 PM
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I would say the comments are just words and I would brush it off. I understand how it feels bc my photographer is also my very good friend and was my roommate for a long time- he made a “joke” once where he called me a bridezilla and I snapped about it. So I know that is hurtful. I would focus on loving and having fun with those BMs who are there for you instead of worrying about those who aren’t.
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Champion June 2018
muriel · on April 16, 2018 at 1:25 PM
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Everyone reacts differently. Those comments would be a non issue for me.
It really sounds like you haven't moved on. The first BM apologized and you supposedly accepted. The second BM was actually complimenting you when she said you weren't being a bridezilla, backhanded though it may be.
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Super June 2018
FutureMrs.V · on April 16, 2018 at 1:31 PM
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Thank you both for the advice. I've been trying to focus on the women who have been there for me. My other MOH who is my sister is in another state, so I think that is taking a toll too. She missed my bridal shower as well and we both were very sad about it. I'm just going to try to make the best of everything. My bachelorette party is the 28, so I think that will help too.
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Super February 2018
Married and Loving It! · on April 16, 2018 at 1:34 PM
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I was in a similar situation- I just let it go, and realigned the thoughts of our future friendship. I am fine hanging out as her husband is a good friend of mine but we will have a superficial relationship and it be close girlfriends like I thought we could be. I didn’t expect anything from her after that as she made every event about herself- going and spending time with her friends who lived in the city I did my bachelorette party and inviting them to go out with us- girls and guys. I would have said they could come because I am a believer in the more the merrier but felt caught off guard and she only went to spend time with them. Just hang in there- and keep your expectations low.
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VIP September 2018
rica · on April 16, 2018 at 1:40 PM
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I think you’re doing the right thing by not reacting. I also think it’s okay and normal for you to feel hurt. I asked my little cousin to be a bridesmaid thinking she would love all of it as a 17-year-old. It’s amazing how much a teenager was able to hurt my feelings with her non interest though. Not anything to react on or do anything about, but disappointing at times. All I can say is focus on the great memories you’re making with your other bridesmaids.
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Master September 2019
Mrs. H · on April 16, 2018 at 1:45 PM
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I have 6 people in my BP, including my MOH. I am different levels of close with each and every one, but I am experiencing some friction with one of mine as well. Her and her bf (who is one of FH's GM) have been together for about a year longer than FH and I have been; they have a kid together, and they've had a ton of ups and downs this past year - including finding out that he was essentially cheating on her for several months. Well she stayed, and they're trying to work all that stuff out now.
As happy as she is for me, she has come out and said that it's hard for her to be around all the "engagement stuff" because she really wants a ring from her boyfriend. I put together a little BM "proposal" box for her and never even so much as received an official "yes" or "thank you". I know she is still in the BP because she has asked about dresses, but it's still put a strain on the friendship.
Long story short, I understand completely where you're coming from. I would continue to go about everything the way that you have, and if anymore nasty comments are made, I would address them on the spot. Good luck!
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Dedicated October 2018
Maria · on April 16, 2018 at 1:56 PM
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It is super hard when people are making comments like that. My mother keeps calling me a bridezilla, which I asked my FH about and he said I haven't been, and it is super frustrating. The only advice I can give is let them do their thing and you focus on yours. But I know it hurts.
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Super October 2018
FutureMrsN · on April 16, 2018 at 4:19 PM
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It's really hard when people who are supposed to be close with you say things. Sorry you're dealing with it.
I do understand. I have 7 in my BP and 2 FSILs. I am not close with 1, but didn't feel like I could ask 1 and not the other. The one one is the only one who hasn't bought her dress, is having a shotgun wedding in 3 months and keeps commenting on how it "must be nice to have a big wedding - type of comments"..even though we waited 2 years and are paying 100% ourselves, and then received our STDs and promptly went online and ordered the exact same invites and sent them out to her wedding. With half information and typos.... sometimes you just have to look the other way.
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Savvy August 2018
FutureMrsC · on April 19, 2018 at 11:50 AM
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This comes obviously a couple days after you posted your discussion but I felt I had to share. I've been frustrated with MOH, basically from the start. We have been friends for over 10 years now and we honestly talk every day. However, I learned very quickly to stop sharing details about my planning or how much things cost. We are very close, like sisters, so I didn't think it would be a bad move to share those things with her. She always made comments that I'm spending too much money (I'm rather frugal too) and that I didn't need to worry about engagement photos or getting ready photos. While that might not have been important in her eyes, it's something that I wanted. She also made comments on how it's her "responsibility" to throw me a bridal shower and that it shouldn't be all of my mom's doing. Mind you, we are month away and she has not lifted a finger. Both my mom and MIL have been incredibly helpful in the whole planning process and have taken a lot of stress off my plate. But, it still sucks when your MOH/best friend has side comments and could really care less about much of anything going on for my special day. I know she doesn't have to be involved in everything (and at this point I don't want her to be) so I've learned to just let it go.
Sorry this was a super long comment...
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