L
Just Said Yes September 2021

Frustrated step mother

Lori, on September 15, 2021 at 12:47 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15
Saved
Reply
I have been struggling with my heart since I found out that my 2 biological children were not invited to my step son's wedding. I have been with his father for 20 years. My children are hurt as they just lost a brother, if I don't go my husband says he won't go. In torn between both of my children that I love very much my husband. In hurt that my children were not good enough to include. I said something to them it was the limit of people. But it's not like I had 6 kid's. And they included their other step sibling from a previous marriage on the mother side. I feel like I was not really wanted to go in the first place. I don't want to go but i know it will cause problems with my husband and hurt him. Am I wrong. What advice is out there.

15 Comments

Latest activity by Lori, on September 16, 2021 at 10:31 AM
  • B
    Dedicated June 2023
    bevbabe ·
    • Flag

    Are they close? Do they get along? Were they raised together? Maybe he has a close relationship with his other step siblings. Also how old is everyone here? Your husband should go no matter what.

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Expert October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag

    You're definitely being vague so it's hard to be able to know why your step son may have done this. The questions bevbabe asked are perfect. Also, how is your relationship with him and how has it been for the last 20 years?

    Your husband should be going regardless. I understand that you two are a united front, but this is his biological son's wedding and he should not be choosing to skip it because of step children. All that will do is cause more issues and could possibly end up with you having no relationship with them.

    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Lori ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    They are all the same age's 29 and 30s. And the were all raised together. When my son died we were all devisted they lost their brother. I lost my son, over n over we were told u still have a son there's no step nothing family is family. My husband is very upset as he raised the kids to be brother's n sister's. We never thought they were not close or didn't get along till now this just changed everything with the whole family


    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Lori ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I told him he has to go. He said he won't go without me so i feel like I'm forced to go somewhere I don't want to
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Devoted May 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    Pretty wierd. I would have your husband ask why your kids weren't invited. As a stepmother, I wouldn't go if my kids weren't invited too.

    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    That's very strange. I get how you would feel. Do you think this has to do with other family members or something, like the step-sons mother? Is she threatened by your relationship with her son? Not trying to accuse anyone, just it does seem very odd.

    • Reply
  • Candace
    Devoted March 2022
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry for your loss. This is obviously hurtful to you on top of your grief. When your husband asked about it, did they say how many guests are invited? The only reason I ask is that maybe it's a very small ceremony and he has a close relationship with the other step-sibling. I admire that your husband didn't want to go without you. I do feel like if both of y'all don't go, he will resent you. Does your stepson know how hurt you are?
    • Reply
  • I
    Expert August 2021
    Ingrid ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry this is happening. Wedding should bring family together, not tear them apart. This seems really strange to me. . .of you've been married for 20 years that means the kids have been each other's lives since the age of 9. . .


    Has something happened between the "kids" to have this happen? I would have your husband talk to his son to get the real reason and make sure he explains the possible consequences for this decison.
    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Lori ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree he should be at the wedding. In not trying to be vague. Buy there is really nothing to tell. We have always got along i guess I'm so surprised by everyone asking about step and biological. We never looked at thing's like that. His kids were my kid's my kids were his kids. They were all 6 and 8 when we got together. We were always a close family. I thought they liked me
    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Lori ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes its 100 people due to covid but that's his sisters. They should come before a friend. He told him how he felt and how it's wrong. He blamed it on the future wife to be. So they already know how yo play like they married.
    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Lori ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    That's how I feel. Especially cause we are all a close family. At family cookout and gathering at holidays it's only his family here as my family is all in the south. So that's all we have
    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Expert October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    The reason we ask those things is because there's been many posts on here where the issue is because the step siblings aren't close and the family isn't really a cohesive unit. That combined with you not including a lot of detail makes people wonder if you purposely left things out to make yourself sound correct, which is another thing that happens often, so it's not just pointed at you.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope you guys are able to work something out. By your other comment about him and his fiancée knowing "how to play like they're married" it seems as though there's obviously resentment from somewhere about a topic not directly related to these invites. I agree that maybe something happened between him and his sisters or his fiancée and his sisters that you're not aware of that could've caused this as well.

    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Lori ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    No it's just the invite. This has hurt us very much as we believed we were a part of the family and if there was a limit of 100 people family should be first in my book. As for the comment I blame my husband for thing's I don't want to take responsibility for. This was a huge shock to us. I only have my children here since my mom passed away and after the passing of my son 3 yrs ago it was hard on all of us including his two son's. They got part of his ashes as so did my girl's. I don't separate because of bloodlines. I love their father and took that as a part of him from the beginning the kid's always got along there has never been anything to be vague about. We were always family. Again its a shock to all even his father wonder why he didn't invite his sisters. If it was the amount of people that fine then explain they can't do a plus one. Its family. My cousin is getting married the fallowing wk. And had no problem with inviting family first then friends. It just baffling to me.
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    You are dwelling on the family concept not the relationship concept , so I’ll say this: it doesn’t seem like it’s about blood lines (bio family versus family by marriage), but is likely about the actual relationship. To you, 100 guests may seem like a lot, but to a couple with big families and a large social circle, it can still be very limiting and require lines to be drawn. Everyone has their own line, and family isn’t necessarily automatic just because they’re related. This is as true for a step sibling as it is for a bio sibling. There are plenty of couples who don’t include certain biological family simply because they are not that close. You keep saying “but they’re family” and that’s definitely true, but they may be deciding not to invite all their family. I’m not saying it doesn’t stink, but it is their prerogative. Often on Wedding Wire there are posts that come up about how to determine who to invite, who to cut from the guestlist. Some standard criteria that come up are: have you seen this person in the last year ? Do you reach out to them personally ever beyond holiday gatherings or liking Facebook posts ? And one of the most important, because it’s not fundamentally different from the basis of a wedding reception: would you invite this person out for dinner? Not every person would have an automatic yes to that for a sibling. So some people invite based on actual closeness in person over closeness on a family tree. I’m not saying that it doesn’t stink that they weren’t included, and I understand the girls feeling hurt absolutely — I would too, frankly. Just pointing out that it isn’t always as cut and dry as family should be invited first always and no matter what. Every couple has their own metric. Sometimes it’s not even an even playing field (controlling partner). But it probably wasn’t meant to be malicious. And it’s up to you really to determine whether or not you want to let this ruin your relationship with him. My bottom line is just to realize he’s not saying the siblings aren’t family— and it’s this idea that I think is making it so personal to you. So, it’s just important to consider that he’s not saying they’re not family, just that their relationship isn’t as close or strong as the others on the guestlist.
    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Lori ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Basically yeah i / we do put them at the top of our guests list eveytime. When we have family get together or celebrations yes we invite them every time. Birthday Xmas labor day 4thof July so out of the past yrs 8xs we have all been there together as a family. Its always me or my husband mom throwing the get together. The kiss never do. So when her brother came to ger and said hey we getting married on the 25th of September.... She replied with a OMG thats so awsome you picked a date? He said yes. She asked about the save the date if they were going to get sent out as she has to request the date off, he replying only for people who live far away. We are just telling people close to save a stamp. She automatically took it as her save the date.. Maybe she should of asked??? Idk no they don't call each other every day but it's making me feel out of place knowing my kid's were not good enough to go. So I was I just invited cause it was the right thing to do? After all I asked about what I should wear and I was told it didn't matter. I could go on and on about the details of this whole thing. But as far as the relationship between every one prior to all of this i didn't think there was any issues, until now that is. Now I'm 2nd guessing the whole 20yrs were they just smiling at me and talking behind my back this whole time? Was I ever part of his family in the first place. All this makes me look at everything a whole lot different. As far as the ex their mother. We really didn't have any issues she's remarried happy. We talk get along. Maybe it's not the guy who plans the wedding and it has nothing to do with him in the first place. Idk. But i do know its a week away and I was wearing pants and a blouse now I'm asked if I found a dress. Ugh
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics